Previously on Doctor Who:
Rory, Amy and the Doctor got trapped in a scary doll’s house, then they escaped. Get some hot TARDIS action now, or click to read Whocaps for episodes 8 and 9.

















My Verdict:
★★★
I loved how quickly the gang’s fun trip turned nasty, and it was good to see that deliciously dark side of the Doctor again. Fantastically acted too, but I just don’t especially enjoy the deeply emotional episodes. I know I’m in the minority, though, so feel free to leap in and tell me I’m nuts. Also: poor, forgotten baby Melody!

The Boy’s Verdict:
★★★
Fun, but I miss the cleverness, wit and wackiness of earlier episodes.


Did you enjoy the episode? Do you secretly wish they’d chosen kick-ass Old Amy instead of boring Young Amy? Leave a comment below! If you like stupid charts and Who-related things, you can follow me on Twitter.

Contains spoilers for the current series of Doctor Who

Previously on Doctor Who:
Amy’s baby turned out to be big-haired space vixen River Song and everyone was like 0_o. But you don’t have to worry about that right now. Read last week’s half-assed Whocap Lite, or watch the episode now. Go on; it’s called ‘Let’s Kill Hitler’!

Abnormally well-lit tower block, exterior

Hoodies! Oh, they’re just playing football. As you were.

OLD LADY: I’m old you know. And belligerent.

Cosy flat, George’s room

George is just the cutest little moppet ever. I want to put him in a shoebox and feed him milk-soaked bread. That’s normal, right?

GEORGE’S MUM: Night George! BTW, I’ve put all the deformed manifestations of your darkest fears in this flimsy-looking cupboard, so there’s nothing to be afraid of.

GEORGE: ...

TARDIS interior

Amy and Rory are really missing their child standing around drinking tea.

DOCTOR: Incoming! Apparently children everywhere were bored senseless by last week’s episode. It is now our solemn duty to scare the wee-wee right out of ‘em.

AMY and RORY: *yawn*

CREDITS

Abnormally well-lit tower block, exterior

AMY: *is world’s most jaded time traveller*

RORY: What happened to my Action Man hairdo? Continuity fail.

DOCTOR: Come on team, the under-tens won’t psychologically damage themselves, you know.

AMY: Excellent. You go on ahead, we’ll get the lift. DOWN ONE FLOOR.

VIEWERS: Idiots.

Transdimensional lift of doom

LIFT: *falls*

AMY and RORY: *panic*

Cosy flat, hallway

The Doctor knocks at the door, which is opened by George’s slack-jawed but kindly father Alex.

DOCTOR: Hello, may I come in?

ALEX: You from Sowcial Services?

DOCTOR: Er, okay.

ALEX: Roight this way, our moppet’s on the blink.

Abnormally well-lit tower block, exterior

OLD LADY: Pfft, look at this massive pile of binbags. There’s no such place as ‘away’, you know! #recycleMOAR

PILE OF BINBAGS: *ladychomp*

OLD LADY: *slipperflail*

Cosy flat, living room

ALEX: E’s scared of everyfink! We’re finkin’ of sendin’ ‘im away.

DOCTOR: Pants! By which I mean ‘What a very real and serious problem’.

A creepy old house

Amy and Rory awake in the dark.

RORY: OMG, are we at Dyrham Park?

ME: I THINK YOU MIGHT BE! Remains of the Day was filmed there, you know.

A GIANT EYE: Hello!

EVERYONE: Argh!

A GIANT EYE: Bye then.

SCARY SHADOW: *lurks*

Cosy flat, George’s room

DOCTOR: Now then, George, let’s have a look at your Cupboard of Doom.

ALEX: We put everyfink that scares ‘im in there. Scary pictures, glass eyes, peg dolls; just yer usual, everyday stuff.

DOCTOR: Yeah, what you’ve created here is a massive shuddering box of evil that’s going to kill us all.

GEORGE: *gibbers*

LANDLORD GUY: *enters* Also, where’s my bloody rent?

BERNARD DOG: *is amazing*

A creepy old house

AMY: I’m going to save us all a lot of time by concluding that we’re either really small in a normal doll’s house, or normal-sized in a massive doll’s house. Either way, we’re screwed.

RORY: I shall accept this information with nary a flicker of surprise.

WORLD’S MOST FRIGHTENING DOLL: Surprise!

URINE: *flows freely*

Landlord guy’s flat

CARPET: *slorp*

LANDLORD GUY: *sinks*

BERNARD DOG: *is ZOMG adorabubble snorglebuns!!1!eleventy!*

Cosy flat, George’s room

DOCTOR: Upon further inspection, this cupboard looks pretty normal. Ah well, panic over.

ALEX: ‘Ang on. Now I fink about it, George might be an alien interloper with the ability to make our worst nightmares flesh.

GEORGE: But to be fair, I’m still a total moppet.

CUPBOARD OF DOOM: Roaaaaar! *swallows the Doctor and Alex*

A creepy old house

Rory and Amy are creeping around with a wooden saucepan. Landlord guy runs up, scared out of his wits.

LANDLORD GUY: Help me!

HORRIBLE DOLLS: *pounce*

LANDLORD GUY: *morphs into a Horrible Doll*

RORY: Aaaaargh!

AMY: I guess we’d better run away or whatever.

A creepy old house, drawing room

The Doctor and Alex awake.

DOCTOR: So yeah, we’re totally in the doll’s house in George’s cupboard. Try not to panic.

ALEX: *panics*

A creepy old house, some other room

Amy and Rory are trapped in a room with Horrible Dolls hammering at the door and singing in eerie toddler voices.

RORY: Escape plan?

AMY: I propose violence.

RORY: Or we could mop them to death.

HORRIBLE DOLLS: Ooh it gets daaaaark, it gets lonelyyy! On the other siiiide from you!

GLOCKENSPIEL: *jaunty solo*

AMY: Let’s just run for it!

AMY and RORY: *run*

HORRIBLE DOLLS: *catch Amy and turn her into a Horrible Doll*

RORY: That could’ve gone better.

A creepy old house, drawing room

Loads of Horrible Dolls descend on the Doctor and Alex. They try to fend the Dolls off with a massive pair of zig-zag scissors; shout out to the craft mag massive!

DOCTOR: This seems like a great time to confirm that your son is definitely an alien.

ALEX: No way!

HORRIBLE DOLLS: Bad dreams in the niiiiiight!

DOCTOR: Also, this entire scenario is your fault, in some weird way that might be a metaphor for stress-induced mental illness.

ALEX: *snippety snip*

CRAFT MAG MASSIVE: Reckon those are Fiskars?

Cosy flat, George’s room

George is just sitting there, listening to the drama playing out in the cupboard. Get with it, George!

A creepy old house, grand staircase

Oh look, Rory’s here.

RORY: *moppy-mop-mop*

ALEX: *snip*

DOCTOR: George, this is all in your head, sort it out immediately. Look at the state of Amy!

AMY DOLL: *looks marginally more cheerful than normal Amy*

GEORGE: *turns up*

EVERYONE: Yay!

But wait, the Horrible Dolls start coming after George. He’s being consumed by his own neuroses; how very 2011.

ALEX: George, stop this and we can all go back to normal. Don’t worry about bein’ a freakish, shape-shiftin’, alien cuckoo-child. I still love you in the most Cockney way possible!

EVERYTHING: *goes flashy*

Tower block, daylight edition, exterior

PILE OF BINBAGS: *ladybarf*

OLD LADY: How undignified.

Lift of normality

AMY: Hey, remember when we had a baby that time I was a doll?

RORY: Yeah.

Landlord guy’s flat

LANDLORD GUY: I love you, Bernard Dog.

BERNARD DOG: *doggykiss*

Cosy flat, kitchen

GEORGE’S MUM: My role in this episode was disappointingly small.

DOCTOR: Oh hi. I totally fixed your kid.

GEORGE: Whee! Yippee! Etc!

GEORGE’S MUM: Seriously. I’ve had like, three lines.

ALEX: Doctor, should we be worried about George being from another galaxy?

DOCTOR: Nah. Just enjoy your breakfast.

KIPPERS:

TARDIS interior

DOCTOR: Well, that was quite an adventure. Let’s just fly around and try not to get into any trouble for a while.

AMY and RORY: Aces.

COMPUTER: You are still totally going to die soon then now sometime.

CREDITS

My Verdict:
★★★★
Loved it! Properly creepy monsters, plenty of running around and lots of funny lines from the Doctor. Hooray! I read that these episodes are being aired in a weird order, which I guess accounts for the total lack of concern for poor old Baby Melody.

Did you enjoy the episode? Would you pay good money for a whiff of Rory’s old gilet? Leave a comment below! For a Whocap heads-up, you can also follow me on Twitter.

Oh god, you’re supposed to find a lovely shiny new website along with a full Whocap. Instead you’ve got a few bewildered notes and some crappy finger drawings I did on an iPad. Let this be a lesson to you; the internet will always disappoint.

Contains spoilers for the current series of Doctor Who

The Doctor’s got a new coat. It’s very smart.

Amy and Rory don’t seem nearly worried enough about their missing newborn.



Baby!Rory looks like an adorable little Fraggle.

‘Mels’ is really annoying, although she does make you wonder why none of the other recent companions have proposed going back in time and shooting Hitler in the face.

Hitler! Has only got! One! Scene! And crikey, Rory punched him. Rory’s gone all action-hunky!

The antibodies are proper old-school Doctor Who. You could probably make one yourself now with a few bits ‘n’ bobs from your shed.



Oh look, Mels has turned into River Song, and she’s a bit EVIL. Whee, this is kind of fun! Surprise bananagun is surprising!

How come River never gets poisoned by her own lipstick? There must be an antidote brow highlighter you put on first or something.



The little people inside the big robot person are cute. They should have their own series. Remember the Numskulls in the Beano? I LOVED them.

I’m not sure how I feel about the new hunky Rory. I liked you in the gilet days, Rory!



The Doctor is angry with the tiny time travellers. I like the Doctor when he’s morally outraged.

Plot point! Silence will fall when the question is asked. Remember that, kids.

Amy saves River from being tortured. Nice work Amy! It must be hard to bond when your baby is an older-than-you, psychopathic, part-Time Lord killing machine.

Aaaaand now it’s time for your weekly death scene. No one dies permanently in Doctor Who. Even Rory, The Most Killed Man on Television.

It’s okay, River saves the Doctor, using up all her special Time Lordly powers. Hooray! Much as I don’t really approve of the Doctor having a love interest, I do think that he and River have loads more chemistry than boring old Rory and Amy.



I so want one of those TARDIS diaries.


My Verdict:
★★★
Every other review I’ve read has raved about this episode, so I’m embarrassed to say that I didn’t enjoy it much. I’ve never been especially into River Song, which doesn’t help. What happened to Hitler? I guess we were never going to see the Doctor patting him on the head and sending him off to commit genocide, but it would’ve been good to glimpse him in his cupboard again at the end of the episode. I loved all the costumes and sets, though. Check out those 1940s knickers!


The Boy’s Verdict
★
Booo! Messy, rushed, immature; not even Matt Smith’s rather lovely gangly body flailing around in evening dress could save this one.

Confused? Forgetful? Enjoy exclamation marks? Here’s an updated list of Whocaps:

2011 episodes
1 The Impossible Astronaut
2 Day of the Moon
3 The Curse of the Black Spot
4 The Doctor’s Wife
5 The Rebel Flesh
6 The Almost People*
7 A Good Man Goes to War

*Whocap replaced with some lazy-ass charts

2010 episodes
1 The Eleventh Hour
2 The Beast Below
3 Victory of the Daleks*
4 The Time of Angels
5 Flesh and Stone
6 The Vampires of Venice
7 Amy’s Choice**
8 The Hungry Earth
9 Cold Blood
10 Vincent and the Doctor
11 The Lodger***
12 The Pandorica Opens
13 The Big Bang
Christmas 2010: A Christmas Carol

*Most popular Whocap, with bonus hilarious comments thread
**No Whocap for this episode
***Guest verdict from my dad

For hardcore Whocap geeks
Here’s where the madness started.

Contains spoilers for the current series of Doctor Who

Previously on Doctor Who:
The Doctor revealed that the Amy in the TARDIS was made of gooey Flesh, while the real Amy was pregnant and captive aboard a big white spaceship. This came as a surprise to everyone, especially Amy. Catch up with episodes 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5, or watch the last episode here. Do it!

Crazypants shipsteroid, maternity wing

Amy cradles her supercute baby under the monocular gaze of Frances Barber.

AMY: I have named you Melody Pond, with blatant disregard for my beleaguered husband and your presumed father. I’m sure he’ll understand. Also, it’s a massive plot point, so I made them put it on your crib too. Check it out!

BABY MELODY: *is cute*

FRANCES BARBER: Kids, we’ll be dealing with some pretty fundamental reproductive concepts today. I suggest you make notes.

Cyberman central, 20000 light years away

CYBERMAN 1: WE ARE DOING CYBERMAN SURVEILLANCE.

CYBERMAN 2: ISN’T THIS WHERE DUMBLEDORE KEEPS HIS DREAMS AND CRAP?

CYBERMAN 3: INTRUDER ALERT

RORY: *strides in* There’s always time for cosplay! Also, tell us where Amy is or we’ll blow up all your ships.

CYBERMEN: WTF?

CYBERFLEET: *explodes*

RORY: Take that! Although I guess we’ve lost our bargaining chip now. Way to jump the gun, Doctor.

CREDITS

Crazypants shipsteroid, hall of military meanderings

Two guys in military uniform are walking around, gossiping about the Doctor’s rumoured exploits. Are they clerical squaddies? I don’t know. Let’s say yes.

TALL GUY: I look positively Tennant-esque in this light.

LITTLE GUY: I guess. Check out Lorna Bucket; she’s sewing.

LORNA BUCKET: It’s embroidery, actually. As a woman, I’m going to be the only member of this army to sew, cry, and find kidnapping morally dubious.

TALL GUY: Fair enough. Hey, let’s play the psychic paper game.

LITTLE GUY: No way dude, I have to go for my ritual beheading conversion tutorial with the Headless Monks. Smell you later.

London, 1888

A Silurian in full Victorian dress arrives home to her chipper human maid/girlfriend. I love this show.

MADAME VASTRA: FYI, I have killed and eaten Jack the Ripper.

JENNY: I’m a Jenny who’s not insane or a bitch! Oh, and there’s a TARDIS in the living room.

Battle of inexplicably Napoleonic uniform, 4037

MR DARCY: My dear, we must leave. Forget the boy, he’ll only slow us down with his twiggy urchin legs.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER: You brute! He needs a comically homicidal Sontaran nurse immediately.

COMMANDER STRAX: Hi there!

URCHIN: Arse.

MR DARCY: Hang on, is that your TARDIS?

Futuristic prison of they-don’t-bother-with-guards-now

ALARMS: *go crazy*

RIVER SONG: (into phone) Chillax guys, it’s only me. Look at my snazzy hatlette! Also, my name is River Song. Yep, that’s my name all right. I’m just saying.

RORY: Dr Song! The Doctor wants you to join his motley interspecies army and cabaret act right now.

RIVER SONG: Tell him I’ll be there in about 30 minutes, once everyone’s been horribly slaughtered and I’m of no practical use whatsoever.

RORY: Aces.

Some weird bar

BLUE-FACED ALIEN: Hey, remember when I sold River that time machine thing? Good times. Good, sassy times. Wow, I sure hope the Doctor doesn’t call in that favour I owe him.

TARDIS: *lands*

Crazypants shipsteroid, maternity wing

LORNA BUCKET: Hello. I spent my free time and limited resources making you this traditional keepsake embroidered with your child’s name in my native language.

AMY: Sod off.

Crazypants shipsteroid, neckstump horrorfest

COLONEL MANTON: Okay lads, I know the Headless Monks have been a bit of a buzzkill lately, so I’ve persuaded them to lower their hoods and show you there’s nothing to be afraid of.

TWO HEADLESS MONKS: *reveal neckstumps*

THIRD MONK: *is actually the Doctor*

LIGHTS: *go out*

DOCTOR: *disappears*

SQUADDIES: *fire guns*

HEADLESS MONKS: *fire back*

COLONEL MANTON: This pep talk hasn’t gone entirely to plan.

Crazypants shipsteroid, CCTV room

MADAME VASTRA: Hey, remember my mad tongue skillz?

JENNY: *blushes*

VIEWERS: !!!

Montage of helpful but boring characters from other episodes

SPITFIRE PILOTS: What ho! Let’s show these blighters what’s what, what?

HUGHBON: Avast ye! Etc!

RORY: Whatever. I’ve got the iCrib; let’s roll.

Crazypants shipsteroid, CCTV room

DOCTOR: Colonel, I really am furious about this whole situation. Withdraw your troops immediately.

FRANCES BARBER: *shrugs* Yeah, I guess you should.

COLONEL MANTON: Right then. *slopes off*

Crazypants shipsteroid, maternity wing

RORY: Amy!

AMY: Rory!

RORY: Baby!

AMY: Centurion!

DOCTOR: I’m here too!

MADAME VASTRA: The soldiers are leaving!

EVERYONE: Hooray!

Crazypants shipsteroid, TARDIS exterior

DOCTOR: I don’t want to derail the drama, but I happen to have this totally splendid steampunky crib. See?

CRIB: *is OMG awesome*

ETSY SELLERS: *cry tears of joy*

COMMANDER STRAX: You might think this scene can’t get any better, but I’ve got two words for you: Lactic. Fluid.

Crazypants shipsteroid, control room

BLUE-FACED ALIEN: I’m surprisingly handy with both computers and DNA analysis. Apparently that baby is a little bit Time Lord.

MADAME VASTRA: Yeah. So either the Doctor’s been, you know, getting jiggy with Amy.

EVERYONE: Ew.

MADAME VASTRA: Or prolonged exposure to the Time Vortex created some kind of super-fast evolutionary change before she was born. Aaaand Frances Eyepatch wants to steal her away and raise her as a magnificent Time Lord weapon?

EVERYONE: Let’s go with that.

Crazypants shipsteroid, TARDIS exterior

LORNA BUCKET: I know we’re all enjoying the crib, but this is a massive trap.

RORY: You may be right, but that won’t stop us being total asshats at you.

HEADLESS MONKS: *appear*

MADAME VASTRA: Quick, hide Amy and the marrow baby.

Crazypants shipsteroid, control room

The Doctor is alone, doing FaceTime with Frances Barber.

FRANCES BARBER: Sorry about stealing your friends’ baby earlier, it’s just that we really want to put her in a massive spacesuit and brainwash her to kill you in some kind of special Time Lordly fashion. There may or may not be paltry picnics involved.

DOCTOR: Well, that’s understandable. And by ‘understandable’, I mean ‘completely fucking insane’. Anyway, it doesn’t matter – we’ve got the baby now and you’re a one-eyed loser.

FRANCES BARBER: O RLY?

DOCTOR: Um, what?

VIEWERS: THE BABY IS A GANGER! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

Crazypants shipsteroid, sequence of great woe

FAKE BABY MELODY: *turns to goop*

COMMANDER STRAX: *dies*

LORNA BUCKET: *dies*

AMY: *cries*

RORY: *broods*

RIVER SONG: *appears* Hey guys!

DOCTOR: River, where were you and your amazing Matrix-style shooting skills when we needed them?

RIVER: I guess I could’ve been here five minutes ago, but I thought it best to wait until now then get all up in your grill about being a warrior or something.

DOCTOR: That is patently ridiculous. Why don’t you just tell us who you are already?

AMY: Tell us, or I’ll shoot your head off, sassypants.

RIVER. Fine. I am a grown-up Melody Pond. DO YOU SEE? I’m Rory and Amy’s motherflipping daughter.

EVERYONE: Oooooo!

STEVEN MOFFAT: *bows*

CREDITS

My Verdict:
★★★★★
Weird and funny and thrilling; what more can you ask from Doctor Who? Sure there were some crazy plot holes, and the River/Pond connection was a long time coming, but it was still fantastic. Hooray!

The Boy’s Verdict:
★★★★★
Yeah, OK, Moffat. It was a bit laboured (LABOURED!!!) in places, and the whole episode felt a bit stop-ey, start-ey, twiddle-thumb-ey, but damn you, you bitch, you done good.

Did you enjoy the episode? Do you want to be Alex Kingston when you grow up? Leave a comment below! You can also follow me on Twitter for a Whocap heads-up when the series returns in the autumn. Lucky you.

Contains spoilers for the current series of Doctor Who

I’m on holiday this week, which means that I’ve been too lazy to Whocap The Almost People. Instead, here are a few charts to summarise the episode. Feel free to use them in your own PowerPoint presentations and strategy meetings.

















Come back next week for a (proper) Whocap of the thrilling mid-series finale! You can also follow me on Twitter for Whocap updates and lots of annoying exclamation marks.

Contains spoilers for the current series of Doctor Who

Previously on Doctor Who:
The Doctor snogged the TARDIS, Rory was unfortunate and Amy complained all the time. Catch up with episodes 1, 2, 3 and 4, or watch them now on iPlayer. Oh, the fun you’ll have!

TARDIS interior

The Doctor is mucking about with his pregno-scanner while Amy and Rory play darts and listen to angsty pop.

RORY: Woo, yeah, I’m the king of darts!

AMY: I can’t believe this is the best Saturday night we can have on a centuries-old, dimensionally transcendental spacecraft that can travel through all of space and time. We must at least have Hungry Hippos.

DOCTOR: Let’s get chips.

AMY: Now you’re talking.

ABANDONED POT NOODLE: *cries*

TARDIS: *goes crazy*

DOCTOR: A solar tsunami! Activate CGI! Duck and cover!

Island of doom

The TARDIS lands and the gang tumble out. The Doctor and Rory observe the huge gouges left in the ground by the solar tsunami while Amy undermines Rory’s self-esteem with snarky comments. Poor Rory.

DOCTOR: Behold! A creepy-ass monastery that’s also some kind of acid refinery.

AMY: Let’s explore.

RORY: But... chips?

Chamber of exposition

The Doctor, Amy and Rory enter to discover five people strapped into metal harnesses, unconscious. Seconds later, their exact doubles run into the room wielding, um, really long axes or something.

SCOTTISH GUY: I am stereotypically aggressive.

CHRIS OUT OF LIFE ON MARS: And I’m Chris out of Life on Mars.

FOREMAN CLEAVES: Shut it. Who are you people and how did you get into our creepy-ass monastery?

DOCTOR: I’m a meteorological expert, here to save you from the solar activity that’s gonna pound this island like rump steak. Quick, I need to view a massive vat of writhing flesh then flip out and stick my hand in it.

FOREMAN CLEAVES: I can’t see why that would be a problem.

Vestry of existential nightmares

CLEAVES: Roll up! Fleshly grown meat suits! All your thoughts, features and memories, but none of the pesky nerve endings. Perfect for acid mining, erotic experimentation and exploring Pandora. Take one home for the kids!

DOCTOR: So you use the flesh vat to make meat suits of yourselves and control them from the harnesses. Then if your meat suit gets injured or dies, you just make a new one?

CLEAVES: Yeah. Except we call them Gangers.

DOCTOR: Fair enough. *shoves hand in flesh vat*

ALARMS: *ring*

DOCTOR: The solar storm, it’s getting worse. We’re all going to die in a shower of acid and radiation!

EVERYONE ELSE: *shrugs*

Mary Shelley memorial montage

SOLAR STORM: *crackles*

DOCTOR: *climbs solar pylon*

GANGERS: *look scary*

TARDIS: *sinks*

PEOPLE IN HARNESSES: *twitch*

LIGHTNING: *strikes*

EVERYONE: *screams and passes out*

Chamber of exposition

The real mining team stagger around, having been mildly frazzled by their Ganger-operating harnesses.

SCOTTISH GUY: Ack.

CHRIS OUT OF LIFE ON MARS: Wargh.

JENNIFER: Hold me, Rory!

RORY: *manly hug*

AMY: Bitch, imma cut you.

DOCTOR: I can’t help but notice that all of your Gangers are now wandering around unaided. I guess we should investigate that, instead of just piling into the TARDIS and getting the hell out of Dodge.

Washroom of neckbending wonder

Jennifer’s having a freakout in a toilet cubicle. Why are all fictional Jennifers either emotional wrecks or manipulative bitches? Give Jennifers a chance, writers! Anyway, Rory is standing outside being all friendly and caring.

RORY: Don’t worry, I’m sure all this will be over soon and we can all have some lovely chips.

JENNIFER: *longarm facepunch*

RORY: Ow! That’s cool; this violence actually makes a refreshing change to my wife’s frosty indifference.

JENNIFER: *scary snakeface*

Kitchen of discontent

The Doctor is microwaving up a tub of god-knows-what while everyone frets about the Gangers on the loose. When the Doctor hands the hot plate to Cleaves, she doesn’t react to its scalding temperature.

EVERYONE: OMG, you’re a damned dirty Ganger!

GANGER CLEAVES: No I’m not!

DOCTOR: Now now, everyone, Gangers are only attracted to clean hair.

GANGER CLEAVES: Shut up! *scaryface*

CHRIS OUT OF LIFE ON MARS: You filthy mudblood! Where’s the real Cleaves?

GANGER CLEAVES: *runs away screaming*

AMY: Come on, it’s about time for Rory’s weekly snatching from the jaws of death.

Acidbath corridor

DOCTOR: Right Amy, you stick with Scottish Guy while I go and fetch the TARDIS. *leaves*

AMY: Whatever. Bye then.

SCOTTISH GUY: I’m feeling much less aggressive now. Let’s play with explosives!

DOCTOR: Surprise! I am actually still here. *leaves again*

VIEWERS: Hmm.

Kierkegaard’s keep-fit korner

GANGER JENNIFER: I have the same body, memories, feelings and mental processes as the real Jennifer, so as far as I understand, I am the real Jennifer. Also, I’m wrestling with our slightly intense mutual attraction, possibly kick-started by the fact that you too have eerie memories of being a plastic facsimile of yourself for 2000 years.

RORY: Right. Do you like darts, at all?

Locker room of dismay

CHRIS OUT OF LIFE ON MARS: Our Gangers have stolen the acid suits.

NONDESCRIPT GUY: And there’s acid leaking everywhere.

CHRIS OUT OF LIFE ON MARS: In retrospect, this was a really poor choice of career.

Gangers’ hideout

GANGER CLEAVES: We have the acid suits now.

NONDESCRIPT GANGER: Dude, we know. We totally established that in the last scene.

GANGER CLEAVES: Bite me.

Eerie corridor

AMY: I’m so lost. It would almost be easier not to wander off every frickin’ episode.

FRANCES BARBER: Y halo thar.

AMY: What? Oh, hey Rory.

RORY: Hey. BTW, I’m weirdly protective of this Ganger now.

GANGER JENNIFER: Hooray!

AMY:

Kitchen of discontent

The real people are ‘ganging’ up on the fake Jennifer – oh ho, I made a funny! Ahem. Then the Doctor strides in with all the other Gangers.

DOCTOR: Right, I think it’s for the best that we all try to get along with our scary, bendy clones. Also, my shoes melted, but I don’t think that’s integral to the plot.

NONDESCRIPT GUY: Is my cold integral to the plot? Let’s hope not.

DOCTOR: So let’s get the TARDIS out of that big acid puddle and we’ll be eating chips ‘n’ scraps before sundown, yeah?

SCOTTISH GUY: I want to get home for my son’s birthday.

SCOTTISH GANGER: I want to get home for your son’s birthday too.

SCOTTISH GUY: This is a psychological NIGHTMARE.

LOOSE-MORALED VIEWERS: Make a Ganger of your son; problem solved.

RORY: Does anyone give a rat’s ass that I am now HOLDING HANDS with a Ganger?

EVERYONE: Curiously, no.

CLEAVES: Enough! *zaps Ganger Chris Out Of Life On Mars*

GANGER CHRIS OUT OF LIFE ON MARS: *dies*

OTHER GANGERS: *run away*

DOCTOR:

Gangers’ hideout

GANGER JENNIFER: War! We shall fight them on the beaches, we shall fight them near the TARDIS, we shall fight them in all of those corridors we saw earlier. We shall probably, at some point, surrender.

OTHER GANGERS: Gangers FTMFW!

Kitchen of discontent

DOCTOR: Right, let’s hide in the chapel before the Gangers kill us all dead.

AMY: I am enthused by this idea.

RORY: Er, no. I’m going to run around with my new not-sure-if-she’s-a-Ganger-or-not girlfriend.

AMY: ...

RORY: Laters!

Chapel of revelation

DOCTOR: Great, we should be safe in here for all of three seconds.

SHADOWY FIGURE: Mmph. Wmph.

DOCTOR: Who’s there?

GANGER DOCTOR: Exactly!

EVERYONE: *is horrified*

GANGER DOCTOR: Okay, my surname isn’t actually Who, but that’s still a cute joke, right? RIGHT?

Credits

My Verdict:
★★★★
All the best Who cliffhanger episodes start with an unnerving monster and finish with lots of running around and screaming. Check and check. I especially enjoyed the morally ambiguous ‘good guys’ and the sympathetic Gangers. Roll on next week!

The boy’s (hungover) verdict:
★★★★
“Four stars. It was good.”

Did you enjoy the episode? Do you have a Big Fancy Theory? Leave a comment below! For a weekly Whocap heads-up, you can also follow me on Twitter.

Contains spoilers for the new series of Doctor Who

Previously on Doctor Who:
Death, swashbuckling, clumsy Rory and an impossibaby. Catch up on episodes 1, 2 and 3, or click here to watch ’em now. You can also get the skinny on the last series here, if you have a few days to spare and no meaningful social life. What fun!

Planet of Squee

IDRIS: Is it time, Uncle?

UNCLE: Yeah, it’s time. This is the motherhumping Neil Gaiman episode.

AUNTIE: I think I’m going to wet my pants.

VIEWERS: I think we all are.

UNCLE: Hold still, Idris, the Ood’s just going to remove your mind and soul, leaving you an empty, busty husk.

IDRIS:

TARDIS interior

Amy, Rory and the Doctor are hanging out in deep space. There is a knock at the TARDIS door.

RORY: This seems unusual.

DOCTOR: *opens door*

LITTLE GLOWING BOX: Hi there! You have 1 new messages.

DOCTOR: So basically this is like an interdimensional SMS from another Time Lord. Which is exciting and also worrying given that I’m a massive Time Lord murderer. Look, this one’s got the mark of the Corsair, which some of you more web-savvy kids may have stumbled across in, um, a rather different context. Let’s hop over the edge of the universe and find out where this came from!

EVERYONE: Whee!

The TARDIS lands on the Planet of Squee and immediately starts losing power. The gang are plunged into darkness as the Doctor freaks out.

DOCTOR: But this is impossible; it’s like the soul of the TARDIS has vanished!

Planet of Squee

IDRIS: *makes TARDIS noises*

CREDITS

Planet of Squee

Idris runs in and launches herself at the Doctor. Auntie and Uncle follow close behind, prising her away.

IDRIS: My thief! I love you! Kissy kissu!

UNCLE: Lawks, sorry about that Doctor. She does get a bit neckbitey.

IDRIS: *neckbite*

UNCLE: See? Ood, take Her Kookiness away immediately.

DOCTOR: Oh, you’ve got an Ood, how lovely. Mind if I fix his talky-ball?

TALKY-BALL: *panicky Time Lord voices*

DOCTOR: WTF? Who else is here?

AUNTIE: It’s just us. Oh, and the House; the malevolent sentient planet we’re all standing on.

House’s special brain drain

HOUSE: Welcome, Doctor. You are one of many lost Time Lords I have killed and dismembered befriended and sheltered.

DOCTOR: Yeah, well I’m the last Time Lord, so make the most of it.

RORY: Hey guys, I know my opinions rarely matter, but on this occasion I think we should run like the clappers.

DOCTOR: Nonsense! Why don’t you and Amy pop back to the TARDIS on a made-up mission while I stumble around in the dark? Because that always ends well.

Planet of Squee

The Doctor has used his sonic screwdriver to lock Amy and Rory safely in the TARDIS. Cheeky. He creeps around the acres of junk on the planet’s surface, listening for the Time Lord voices heard earlier.

CUPBOARD: *mumbles*

DOCTOR: That cupboard looks a bit small for dozens of Time Lords, but – *opens cupboard*

LITTLE GLOWING BOXES: Help! Achtung! Rhubarb!

AUNTIE and UNCLE: Well, this is embarrassing.

DOCTOR: You utter bastards! House has been repairing you with bits of Time Lord.

AUNTIE: I know; I’ve got the Corsair’s tattooed arm.

UNCLE: And I have a blue ear. We’re going to die in our next scene, so have a good gawp now.

Loony lair of massive hair

Idris is locked in a cage. The Doctor is cross.

DOCTOR: What’s going on here? Who are you, anyway?

IDRIS: I can dress this up all kooky-like, but essentially I am the human embodiment of your TARDIS. Cool right? Also, I’m a bit psychic, for whatever reason.

DOCTOR: Why has House put the TARDIS’ soul in a person?

IDRIS: I’m vague on that too. I think it’s that House eats TARDISes because they’re bursting with energy, but he has to remove the soul first or it would explode his mighty brainflesh.

DOCTOR: This is alarming on many levels.

TARDIS exterior

DOCTOR: Amy! Rory! Get out of the TARDIS before you’re swallowed like Tic Tacs!

TARDIS: *disappears*

TARDIS interior

RORY: Hey, it’s nice being in the TARDIS, isn’t it?

AMY: Yep.

HOUSE: Agreed. So anyway, I’m going to screw with you for a while then kill you dead.

AMY and RORY: *run away*

Planet of Squee

DOCTOR: So the good news is that the TARDIS has been hijacked rather than swallowed. The bad news is that I’m stranded on a junkyard planet with the untethered brain of a TARDIS, the manly jaw of a Neanderthal and the still-warm corpses of two crazy monster-people.

IDRIS: Would it be ridiculous to suggest that we build a new TARDIS console from all the TARDIS bits ’n’ bobs lying around?

DOCTOR: Yes. Let’s do it!

TARDIS corridor of horror

It’s a corridor! In the TARDIS! How exciting. Rory and Amy run along it, taunted by House as they go. Amy runs through a sliding door which slams shut, separating her from Rory. Amy turns and scrabbles at the door for a moment, then realises that Rory’s voice is now coming from behind her, further down the corridor. She follows Rory’s voice and finds him sitting outside a locked door, calling her name.

RORY: Where have you been, you mad cow? And when is it that you have time to paint your fingernails every week?

AMY: What? I just walked in a circle.

RORY: You’ve been gone for hours.

They start running again, but – d’oh! – they get separated by another slidey door. Amy tentatively walks around the next corner to find a much older, bedraggled Rory.

AMY: Holy smokes, what happened to you?

ANCIENT RORY: Amy, I’ve been waiting for you for years! I hate you with a beardy, ranty passion. RAAAARGH!

AMY: *runs away*

Amy reaches a corridor daubed with ‘HATE’, ‘KILL’, ‘DIE’ and ‘AMY’ in scary spiky letters. Nice short words for the kids there, Neil. This time, Rory’s a wasted corpse. Poor Rory.

AMY: *screams*

NOT-DEAD RORY: *appears* Hey Amy, what’s up?

AMY: One day you really will be dead, and no one will believe you.

NOT-DEAD RORY: House is just messing with our heads. Let’s run!

Makeshift TARDIS

DOCTOR: Whee, yahoo, etc!

IDRIS: We’ve locked on to Amy and Rory. I’ll telepathically tell them to lower the shields and let us in. I’m helpful like that.

TARDIS lo-fi ladder

RORY: I’m receiving some kind of psychic message.

IDRIS: (in Rory’s brain) Go to Tennant’s old control room, lower the shields, try on his shirts and dance around like a princess.

RORY: Wilco.

TARDIS corridor, redux

AMY: I have been rendered temporarily blind.

RORY: And I’ve been knocked unconscious by the evil Ood from earlier.

OOD: Oh yes, I’m evil. Sorry about that.

TARDIS of old

RORY: Quick, lower the shields.

SHIELDS: *lower*

HOUSE: Nice work on finding Tennant’s tower of tears. I am going to set the Ood on you, now, though.

OOD: *advances menacingly*

MAKESHIFT TARDIS: *flattens ood*

EVERYONE: Hooray!

HOUSE: Hang on, I’m still here.

IDRIS: And I’m totally dying in this flimsy human body. This flimsy, busty human body.

HOUSE: I’m going to delete this stupid control room and all of you in order to thrust us back into your universe. Prepare to die!

EVERYONE: *prepares*

TARDIS main control room

The Doctor, Amy, Rory and Idris appear back in the main control room.

DOCTOR: Aha, sucks to be you! I have wisely installed a fail-safe whereby TARDIS passengers can’t just be deleted from existence whenever the whim strikes.

HOUSE: Curses!

RORY: Guys, I know this isn’t the best time, but Idris has stopped breathing. And I don’t think any of us should attempt CPR this week.

The TARDIS soul escapes Idris’ body and swirls around the control room, kicking House’s ass.

HOUSE: Oof! Ouch! Stop! Nooooo!

When House is gone, there stands a ghostly version of Idris, all sparkly with TARDIS light.

GHOSTLY IDRIS: This episode has been awesome.

DOCTOR: I think I’m going to cry.

VIEWERS: I think we all are.

GHOSTLY IDRIS: *disappears*

TARDIS interior of comic relief

DOCTOR: Sadly the TARDIS won’t be talking again. Because that would be too much like Knight Rider.

RORY: By the way, Idris kept saying ‘The only water in the forest is the river’. But I’m sure that’s not important.

AMY: Also, we sleep in bunk beds.

TARDIS: *twiddles its own knobs*

NEIL GAIMAN: *bows*

CREDITS

My Verdict:
★★★★★
Like all good geeks, I love Neil Gaiman, and this episode really lived up to my expectations. Is anyone else getting suspicious about Rory’s mortality? He recovered from that encounter with the Ood very quickly…

The Boy’s Verdict:
★★★★
If you’re going to trust anyone to fuck with the canon, it’s Gaiman. Still, hmmm. Come on, Moffat-baby.

Did you enjoy the episode? Do you secretly wish you and your spouse had bunk beds? Leave a comment below! For a weekly Whocap heads-up, you can also follow me on Twitter.

Contains spoilers for the new series of Doctor Who

Previously on Doctor Who:
The Doctor got dead, but it wasn’t our Doctor. Amy possibly got knocked up, but no one’s really sure. A mysterious girl regenerated, but hardly anyone noticed. It was complicated; get the lowdown here and then here, or just watch it yourself. Good luck with that.

Ship of Beards, below decks

Hoist the mainsail! Ladder the fishnets! Scrub the t-zone! It’s a bloody pirate ship. And look, the captain is Dashing Hugh Bonneville, how exciting. HughBon is surrounded by assorted anxious pirates.

HUGHBON: Begone, can’t you see I’m brooding? Brooding, damn you!

STUBBLY PIRATE: But sir, I’ve been hurt or injured in an accident that wasn’t my fault.

HUGHBON: You fool. Prepare to die a tuneful, supermodelly death. And I’m locking you out while it happens.

Ship of Beards, on deck

Stubbly Pirate staggers around like a loon. The BBC National Orchestra of Wales puts the Pirates of the Caribbean theme in a Magimix and hopes for the best. There is ethereal singing and a manly scream. Calm descends and HughBon leads his men out to survey the damage.

HUGHBON: Stubbly pirate’s completely disappeared.

PARANOID PIRATE: We’re doomed.

IKEA LAUNDRY HAMPER: *knocks loudly*

HUGHBON: *cocks pistol* Open that laundry hamper immediately.

IKEA LAUNDRY HAMPER: *swings open to reveal the Doctor, Amy and Rory*

DOCTOR: I am excitable!

RORY: And I am wearing two kinds of check.

CREDITS

Ship of Beards, below decks

HUGHBON: Your angular ship seems less than hydrodynamic. How in the name of Gillette did you get here?

DOCTOR: Ah, well, the TARDIS picked up on you as a ship in distress, you see.

PARANOID PIRATE: They’re evil spirits, Captain.

HUGHBON: They’re stowaways. Plank ‘em.

Ship of Beards, plank corner

The Doctor is walking the plank as Amy and Rory look on, dismayed.

DOCTOR: Tweed sinks like a stone, you know. On the upside, it is sharkproof.

HUGHBON: Throw the girl below decks, we can set her to work later.

AMY: *fusses ineffectually*

Ship of Beards, below decks

Amy is imprisoned with a chest of swords and knives.

AMY: And pirate costumes!

Ship of Beards, plank corner

AMY: Knife skills and cross dressing; I may be a better wife than my pouty whinging would suggest.

HUGHBON: Put down that sword or you’ll kill us all!

ACTION PIRATE: Grrrrr! *broomsmash*

AMY: *swordflail*

DREADLOCKS PIRATE: Argh, my hand! With this tiny cut, you have killed me. Look, the black spot!

BLACK SPOT: Yeah, sorry about that.

AMY: *ropeswing*

RORY: Ow. Now I’m all black spotted. Brilliant.

There is more ethereal singing. Tiny-mouthed fashionista Lily Cole flies from the ocean and lands on the ship. She is a Siren. Let’s just get through this.

SIREN: *sings*

RORY: Siren want.

DREADLOCKS PIRATE: Me too.

Dreadlocks Pirate touches the Siren and, er, evaporates. Rory tries to follow but is restrained by Amy.

HUGHBON: You know, given that a spindly girl is holding Rory, you’d think the rest of us could’ve saved Dreadlocks. Ah well.

Ship of Beards, kinky wet room

DOCTOR: What is that thing?

HUGHBON: She’s been stalking us since the ship was becalmed. A single drop of blood brings her. We’re cursed!

RORY: But she’s so beautiful. Please, I must see her. I need the London look.

DOCTOR: We must leave before anyone else gets hurt.

HAIRY PIRATE: Argh, a leech bite!

SIREN: *explodes pirate*

EVERYONE: *runs away*

Ship of Beards, armoury of repressed emotion

BARREL: *coughs*

HUGHBON: *throws open barrel* Curses! It’s the son whose mother I callously abandoned for a life of beardy crime. What are you doing here, boy?

EMO KID: Mother is dead from fever. I’ve come to join your brave crew on this virtuous naval ship, sir.

HUGHBON: You can’t stay here, there’s a monster aboard. A sexy, sexy monster. She leaves a black mark on the palms of her victims.

EMO KID: *is blackspotty*

HUGHBON: Oh. Bottoms.

DOCTOR: HughBon, to the TARDIS! Everyone else, stay here and bicker.

TARDIS interior

DOCTOR: Welcome aboard, HughBon! We would have so much fun if we just ran away together and let those other losers get Rimmeled.

HUGHBON: I am both impressed and unsurprised by this physics-defying technology.

Ship of Beards, armoury of repressed emotion

NAUGHTY PIRATES: HughBon’s gone batshit. Let’s grab as much treasure as we can and GTFO.

EMO KID: What? Father will have you court-martialled for this.

NAUGHTY PIRATES: Kid, your dad’s a bloody pirate.

EMO KID: I am inexplicably disappointed by this news. *cutlass poke*

NAUGHTY PIRATE 1: *bloodtrickle*

NAUGHTY PIRATE 2: *runs away with treasure*

TARDIS interior

DOCTOR: The TARDIS is broken. All our little plans and schemes! Gone like some forgotten dream!

HUGHBON: Damn.

TARDIS: *goes crazy*

DOCTOR and HUGHBON: *exit TARDIS*

TARDIS: *disappears*

DOCTOR:

Ship of Beards, luggage carousel

HUGHBON: Naughty pirate 2, where are you going?

NAUGHTY PIRATE 2: I’m getting out of here while I’m still spot-free. I’ve got guns too, see? Kablammo!

Ship of Beards, cupboard of death

Naughty pirate 2’s flaming torch burns his hand. He drops the torch and is plunged into darkness. What a nincompoop. The Siren sings. The Doctor and HughBon burst in, but Naughty and the Siren are gone.

HUGHBON: I thought the Siren travelled through water. How did she get in?

DOCTOR: Through reflections, of course! She came in through the shiny treasure.

VIEWERS: Bzuh?

Ship of Beards, reflection city

DOCTOR: *windowsmash*

HUGHBON: Are you sure about this?

DOCTOR: *treasurefling*

HUGHBON: Because it really goes against Pirate Best Practice.

DOCTOR: *mirrorshatter*

HUGHBON: Okay. I’ll just get, er, get rid of this magnificent bejewelled crown.

Ship of Beards by night

Amy and Rory are asleep. I wish I had a big-cuffed coat like Amy. HughBon and Emo Kid are chatting.

HUGHBON: This is all my own beard, by the way. Also, sorry your mother’s dead.

EMO KID: Yeah, it does suck.

Amy awakes to hear a mysterious voice. It’s Frances Barber again! She’s in her bright white room, looking through a hatch in the wall.

FRANCES BARBER: I guess I’m just going to keep popping up like this.

HATCH: *slides shut*

AMY: *freaks out*

Ship of Beards, on deck

A storm! Everyone leaps into action to get the ship moving in the wind.

HUGHBON: To the rigging! Man the sails! Heave ho! Fetch my compass!

EVERYONE ELSE: Our robust physicality is undermined by our limited knowledge of sailing and, more pressingly, 17th century pirate jargon.

BEJEWELLED CROWN: *rolls out of HughBon’s coat*

SIREN: *appears and explodes Emo Kid*

DOCTOR: HughBon, your only son is dead. This seems like an excellent time to call you greedy and culpable.

AMY: Doctor, Rory has somehow fallen into the sea!

VIEWERS: Rory in mortal danger? How unusual.

SIREN: *dives into sea after Rory*

DOCTOR: Right, I think the best plan of action here would be to cut our hands and summon the Siren. Then she’ll explode us and we’ll find out where all the other exploded people went.

AMY: That flies in the face of everything else we’ve done this episode.

DOCTOR: Yes. It does rather. *fingerstab*

Spaceship of minimalist rodents

Amy, the Doctor and HughBon awake on a deserted spaceship. Looking out, they can see the bridge of the Ship of Beards, just as they left it.

DOCTOR: This spaceship occupies the same space as the Ship of Beards, just in a parallel dimension. Both ships have become trapped, so it’s easy to hop from one dimension to the other. That’s how the Siren got through. Let’s explore!

Spaceship of minimalist rodents, bridge

RATSTRONAUT: *is dead*

DOCTOR: All of these crazy aliens sneezed to death. Then their hologram doctor went barking mad and turned into the Siren.

VIEWERS: Oh, she’s like The Doctor in Star Trek Voyager?

DOCTOR: No. Nothing like that.

Tarpaulin-tastic medical bay

HUGHBON: Look, all my men are here. And Emo Kid too!

AMY: And Rory!

DOCTOR: And the TARDIS! O frabjous day, etc.

AMY: Cripes, it’s the Siren. Hide!

Everyone hides behind a pillar while the Siren sings at the unconscious pirates and Rory.

DOCTOR: So when the Siren sings, it anaesthetises the patients. She’s keeping them alive, like the Katherine Jenkins of the non-shark world!

AMY: Hey, let’s just unhook Rory from all this life-saving equipment and make a run for it.

DOCTOR: We can’t! Weirdly, he’ll drown. Also, the Siren won’t let us.

SIREN: *scary face*

AMY: But look! Suddenly I give a crap about my marital status.

SIREN: *vanishes*

RORY: *wakes* Oh, hey guys.

DOCTOR: Howdy. So, basically, you either have to stay here forever or come with us and suffer some of the worst on-screen CPR ever.

RORY: I dunno, man, have you seen New Moon?

DOCTOR: Let’s roll. Coming, HughBon?

HUGHBON: Nope. I’m oddly confident about piloting an alien starship from the future.

TARDIS interior

AMY: *blows into Rory’s mouth*

VIEWERS: Wait, check his airways!

AMY: *presses on Rory’s chest*

VIEWERS: And tilt his head back!

DOCTOR: Don’t we need to move his limbs with a broom handle? Say what you like about Martha, she was much better in a crisis.

RORY: *is dead*

AMY: *cries*

RORY: No, wait, I’m actually fine.

EVERYONE: Hooray!

Spaceship of Beards

PIRATES: Yo ho ho, astronautics is easy!

TARDIS interior

RORY: Apparently we have a bedroom in the TARDIS.

AMY: Yes, let’s go there and enjoy some wholesome costume roleplay within the context of a loving and monogamous relationship.

DOCTOR: Excellent, goodnight all!

GIZMO: Sorry, still no news on the mysterious impossibaby. Chess?

DOCTOR: No thanks.

Credits

My Verdict:
★★★
Swashbuckling fun! I loved all the costumes and excellent acting, but I did find the plot a bit exhausting. Also, poor Rory! I just want him to get through an episode unscathed.

The Boy’s Verdict:
★★★
“Well, BBC commissioning editors, here you go: one set of complete scripts for this twelve-episode run of Doctor Who. What’s that you say? This series is thirteen episodes long? As it usually is? Tits. Um, that Depp chap’s thing is bally popular; let’s slip something piratey in for the larks. We’ll do it for episode three and nobody will ever suspect a thing.”

Did you enjoy the episode? Do you have any excellent theories on what the jiggery is going on? Would you like to point out that fishnets can’t really be laddered? Leave a comment below! For a weekly Whocap heads-up, you can also follow me on Twitter.

Contains spoilers for the new series of Doctor Who

Previously on Doctor Who:
Amy and Rory swerved around the emotional void in their marriage by having a picnic and watching the brutal murder of a Future Doctor. River Song broke out of history’s least secure prison and joined the lacklustre duo and the Contemporary Doctor as they journeyed back to 1969 to find a creepy kid in a spacesuit, a bunch of Moss Bros aliens and the magician out of Jonathan Creek. Oh, and Amy claimed to be pregnant. Watch the episode here, if you don’t believe me. Or don’t. Whatever.

Utah, 1969

A caption tells us that three months have passed since the last episode. Feels like it, certainly. Amy runs through the desert like a wig on stilts. FBI guy Canton chases her to a cliff edge.

AMY: Don’t shoot!

CANTON: *shoots*

Area 51

The Doctor is tied to a chair and has grown an unconvincing beard. He is guarded by some, er, guards.

CANTON: Dude, this episode is dark.

DOCTOR: And this beard is itchy. We all got problems.

New York

RIVER: Being hounded to suicide by rogue FBI agents and horrific aliens is no reason to let personal grooming slide. *jumps out of skyscraper*

Area 51

DOCTOR: I can’t help but notice you’re building some kind of pimped-out prison from dwarf star alloy, the densest material in the universe. Except tweed.

CANTON: *looks smug*

A dam

It’s Rory! Hi Rory. Canton and his agents surround him.

RORY: Just kill me already. I’ve got nine lives, like a cat in cargo pants.

The Doctor’s dwarf star alloy cell

DOCTOR: Is there a reason you’re being such an almighty bastard?

CANTON: Dramatic tension, baby!

AMY and RORY: *unzip* We’re not really dead!

DOCTOR: And the TARDIS was here all along!

EVERYONE: W00t!

TARDIS interior

CANTON: What about Dr Song? She totally jumped off a building.

DOCTOR: It’s cool, I’ll just pop open the doors to the swimming pool and she can land in it.

VIEWERS: But... the TARDIS only has one door.

Apollo 11 launch pad

DOCTOR: BTW, check out my huge throbbing plot point.

RORY: *boggles*

CREDITS: At last!

TARDIS interior

AMY: (to Doctor) I’m feeling better now, if you know what I mean.

WOMEN EVERYWHERE: Wait, are we talking about menstruation?

DOCTOR: You should know that I’m not actually a medical doctor. Now gather round, everyone, I’m going to shove an unsterilised plastic nano-recorder under the skin of your palms. Whenever you see one of those Silents, just leave yourself a message then it’ll flash and you can wet your pants at leisure.

CANTON: So what do the Silence want?

DOCTOR: They basically want to hang around and wear suits and plant thoughts in our brains. We should just get them a Wii or something. Now let’s find out where they got that creepy spacesuit kid from.

St Fruitcake’s Orphanage

DR RENFREW: Hello? You can’t come in, the children are dead missing aliens asleep. Also, I’m insane.

CANTON and AMY:

DR RENFREW: Oh alright.

St Fruitcake’s interior

DAUBINGS: Get out! Run away! Repent! The end is nigh! Neuter your pets!

DR RENFREW: My office is? This way?

FLUTES of IMPENDING DOOM: *discordant noodling*

CANTON: Well, this all seems completely normal.

AMY: I think I’ll wander off on my own.

VIEWERS: You are all IDIOTS.

St Fruitcake’s nursery of nightmares

Amy wanders around with her flashlight. All the beds in the nursery are empty. A storm rages outside.

AMY: (on phone) Hey Doctor, everything’s fine and dandy here. And by ‘fine’, I mean ‘sinister’. And by ‘dandy’, I mean ‘almost certain to end in mortal peril’.

DOCTOR: (on phone) Excellent. I’d better go, though, I’ve got a CGI sequence of great wonder to appear in.

Apollo 11

DOCTOR: I’ve done something special to Apollo 11. Let the CGI sequence of great wonder commence!

St Fruitcake’s nursery of nightmares

An ominous clatter sends Amy running for the door, which is locked. Brilliant.

AMY’S PALM: *flashes*

RECORDED AMY: Don’t panic!

AMY: *panics*

THE SILENT: (hanging from ceiling) Zzzzzzzzzzz

VIEWERS: Yes, keep flashing your torch in their faces. That’ll help.

Amy then immediately forgets about alien deathwish sleepytime and carries on with her life. The nursery door swings open.

NASA

PERTURBED GEEK 1: If you’re on a Nixon-approved mission to screw with Apollo 11, why didn’t he just tell us to give you full access and a vac-packed lunch?

DOCTOR: That is an excellent point.

NIXON: Sorry, yes, he does have my permission to do whatever he’s doing.

RORY: AND I’VE GOT A LICENCE TO SMOULDER.

PERTURBED GEEK 2: Well, this all seems to be in order. I’ll let you be on your way.

RORY: LIKE A POP TART, BABY.

St Fruitcake’s admin office

CANTON: You know, with there being no children, it’s almost as if you could leave St Fruitcake’s and go to CenterParcs.

DR RENFREW: No! The child. She must be cared for. In a spacesuit. It’s important. I’m wearing a bow tie, like the Doctor. Is that relevant? I don’t know. Mine is a lonely life. Lonely and crazy.

St Fruitcake’s kooky korner

Amy’s creeping along in the dark when a hatch opens in a door to her left. Behind the hatch, beloved character actress Frances Barber peers out from a bright white room. She is wearing some kind of newfangled eye patch.

AMY: Hello?

FRANCES BARBER: I outweird every other weird thing in this episode.

HATCH: *slides shut*

Amy opens the door to reveal a kid’s bedroom. Oooooo! There’s a bed, a sink, a few toys and a dresser with lots of photographs on. You’ll never guess who’s in one of the photos... yes, that’s right, it’s Amy with a baby!

AMY: *freaks out*

ASTRONAUT KID: *strides in*

AMY: Oh crap, sorry about shooting you last week. I was having a bit of a shocker.

ASTRONAUT KID: Help me!

THE SILENCE: *appear*

AMY: *screams like a banshee*

St Fruitcake’s admin office

A Silent knocks at the door. How polite.

DR RENFREW: Do come in, I’ve got a lovely guest here for you.

SILENT: *walks in* FYI, we don’t tend to carry weapons.

CANTON: *shoots Silent in the belly*

SILENT: You bastard.

St Fruitcake’s kooky korner

Oh no, Amy’s trapped in the kid’s bedroom and is crying for help. Pull on your big-girl pants, Amy, you’ll find them in your Big Companion Kit for Companions, issued to all TARDIS passengers within 24 hours of take-off. Canton’s on the outside trying to break in.

DOCTOR: Chillax, I’m here with my sonic screwdriver! *breaks in easily*

RORY: I CAN’T CONCENTRATE ON ANYTHING EXCEPT BRINGING SEXY BACK.

EVERYONE: *runs into bedroom*

KID: Shh, I have escaped the astronaut suit, but don’t tell anyone, mmmkay?

Bedroom

RORY: BABY I’M YOUR SL- Hang on, Amy’s not even here. My makeover is wasted.

ASTRONAUT SUIT: *is empty*

Amy’s nanorecorder is on the floor, transmitting her voice from wherever she is.

AMY: *on recorder* I’m scared. It’s dark. I miss my boots.

RORY:

DR RENFREW: Meanwhile, that Silent seems quite annoyed about being shot.

St Fruitcake’s admin office

SILENT: *writhes around*

DOCTOR: The Silence, eh? I feel a montage coming on.

Area 51

Unseen by the guards, the TARDIS lands in the Doctor’s dwarf star cell. Handy! Canton appears from the cell, followed by Nixon.

GUARDS: OMGWTFBBQ?

NIXON: Oh, hi. We’re going to need a doctor in here.

Deserted office block from last week

RIVER: Blah, blah, spacesuit, exoskellington, little girl, kept inside.

DOCTOR: So the suit helped the kid call the president as he was the highest known authority?

RIVER: Blah, hacked in, incredibly strong, makes no sense, protecting the child, blathery bloo.

Area 51

Aw, Canton’s had a doctor dress the Silent’s wounds over the outside of his suit. That can’t be sanitary.

SILENT: You fools! You shouldn’t be helping us, you should kill us all on sight.

CANTON: Hah, sucks to be you; I’m recording this on Amy’s twee pink phone and then sending it to the Doctor. Which is an admirable leap in technological know-how for 1969.

All aboard the Silence express!

Amy stirs to consciousness and finds herself strapped to a table. The Silence are all around, poking at computers and playing table football and stuff.

SILENT: Amelia Pond. We do you an honour. You will bring the Silence.

AMY: Dude, I’m signed up for the rest of the series; I’m sure I’ll be fine.

X-FILES FANS: This all seems a bit 1994.

TARDIS: *appears*

DOCTOR: Helloo! Amy and Rory, keep watching the Silence so we don’t forget they’re there. I’ll put the telly on so we can all witness the wonder of Neil Armstrong. Also, I feel flirty!

RIVER: Rowr.

DOCTOR: So, essentially what I’ve done is slice a little bit of Canton’s recording of that shot Silent into the feed of the moon landing. Specifically, it’s that bit where he says ‘you should kill us all on sight’. So now everyone who sees a recording of the moon landing at any time for the rest of history will be programmed to slaughter the next Silent they see. Then they’ll forget all about it. It’s the perfect solution! Maybe not ethically, or hygienically, but in all other ways perfect!

NEIL ARMSTRONG: (on telly) That’s one small step for man.

SILENT: (on telly) KILL US ALL ON SIGHT.

REST OF SILENCE: We are really hopping mad now.

Montage of Silence-slaughter

Guns! Fists! Frying pans! Everyone starts attacking the Silence.

Back aboard the Silence express

SILENCE: *go all electric and evil*

RIVER: Everyone into the TARDIS! *spins around and shoots all the Silence dead in a crazy Matrix fashion* Kiss my ass, Francesca Annis.

The White House

NIXON: Doctor! Thanks so much for saving us from those scary aliens and explaining absolutely nothing.

CANTON: I am a homosexual man.

Futuristic prison of frankly useless guards

DOCTOR: River, I can’t help but wonder why you keep coming back here when you obviously don’t have to.

RIVER: Damned if I know. Now let us kiss with tongues!

RIVER and DOCTOR: *snog*

VIEWERS: Wargh!

TARDIS interior

DOCTOR: Hey Amy, remember when you said you were pregnant, then said you weren’t? Bit off to tell me instead of your actual husband, no?

RORY: Yes, I am outraged. Although not as outraged as you might expect.

AMY: *shrugs* Whatever.

DOCTOR: Anyway, let’s all go off and have an exciting pirate adventure! *surreptitiously scans Amy with TARDIS gizmo*

GIZMO: Pregnant? Yes. No. Yes. No. Yesnoyesnoyesnoyesno. Sorry, I can’t help you.

DOCTOR: Hm.

New York alley, night, six months later

TRAMP: *rummages through bins*

KID: *coughs*

TRAMP: Blimey, are you okay?

KID: Yeah, I’m just dying a bit. Hang on. *regenerates*

VIEWERS: OMG!


My Verdict:
★★★★
Hell’s bells, that was confusing. I found the sheer number of unanswered questions annoying, but it was properly exciting stuff. Who’s the little girl? What happened with that eye patch woman? Am I the only person who finds Amy kind of irritating? Only time will tell.

The Boy’s Verdict:
★★★★
Moffat, don’t toy with me. You’d better know what you’re up to, because, brilliant conceit aside, that was a bloody mess of an episode. I suspect you do know what you’re up to, however, so I await the rest of the series with breath so bated you could use it to catch a coelacanth.

Contains spoilers for the new series of Doctor Who

Previously on Doctor Who:
Gonk-haired everyman Rory got married to perpetually bored sex worker Amy Pond. Sassy criminal Dr River Song kept turning up and being smug about knowing how to drive the TARDIS. The Doctor got really into accessories. There was other stuff; you can relive it in excruciating detail here.

Montage of historical hilarity

The Doctor appears up a skirt, in a shaft and nude, in a painting.

DOCTOR: Tonight, Matthew, I’ll be pushing the limits of what constitutes family viewing. Let’s go!

Amy and Rory’s lovely new house

RORY: Seriously, how did we afford this house?

AMY: Hey, look at this invitation – it’s got coordinates and today’s date and we must leave immediately!

RORY: Because apparently neither of us works for a living any more.

Futuristic prison of frankly useless guards

JITTERY GUARD: (on phone) Yes Guv, River Song is breaking out again. Maybe we should do a training seminar or something?

AMERICA!

Desert! School bus! Highway! Red rocks! Sun! Stetson! This whole bloody bunfight actually went to the actual USA, and don’t you forget it.

DOCTOR: Hi there! Can you believe this hat?

AMY and RORY: ...

RIVER SONG: *hatshoot* Did someone order a steaming plate of SASSY? No?

Retro diner of doom

DOCTOR: Right, you all have to come to 1969, but not before one of us is brutally murdered in the next few scenes. Also, I think this jacket is new.

CREDITS: Barrowman-free since 2010!

Doomed picnic of not-enough-food-for-four-people

DISTANT SCARY SILHOUETTE: *stares*

AMY: Who’s that?

RORY: Who’s what?

AMY: Nothing.

DOCTOR: We so could’ve done this in Cardiff. AND had change for a Nando’s.

OLD GUY: Howdy!

RIVER: I can’t help but notice there’s a full-on astronaut wading out of the lake over there.

LAKE-STRONAUT: *stares*

The Doctor wanders down to the lake’s edge and talks briefly to the lake-stronaut. The lake-stronaut takes out a big lasery gun and shoots him square in the chest. Holy crap!

DOCTOR: *flails*

VIEWERS: Aie!

DOCTOR: *dies*

EVERYONE:

OLD GUY: So the Doctor said you should just, like, set him alight and then finish your Brie. Happy Easter, everyone!

Retro diner of doom

DOCTOR: Oh, hey guys. Has this episode actually started, then? I got distracted by that hare thing.

EVERYONE: WTF?!

VIEWERS: To be fair, it would’ve been a fairly radical step to write the Doctor out of Doctor Who.

TARDIS interior

River, Rory and Amy are having a hushed conversation while the Doctor does a bit of flamboyant TARDIS wrangling.

AMY: Even though I’ve known about time travel since I was a tiny ginger orphan, I am unable to grasp the concept of Past and Future Doctors.

RIVER: The Doctor we saw die was the Doctor from 200 years in the future. He invited the three of us to witness it, then his contemporary self to take us to 1969.

AMY: So should we warn him that we just saw him die in an orgy of tweed and screaming?

RIVER: Nah.

The Oval Office, 1969

RICHARD NIXON: I am a marginally less effective Nixon than the one in Frost/Nixon.

CANTON EVERETT DELAWARE III: And I’m the Old Guy when he was young.

RICHARD NIXON: I need you to listen to these disturbing phone calls I’ve been getting.

PHONE KID: (on recording) Help me, Mr President. My accent, it wavers!

DOCTOR: *appears* Weren’t you in Jonathan Creek?

TARDIS: *appears*

SECURITY GUARDS: *run in* Freeze! Don’t move! Etc!

DOCTOR: If you’ll hold off on the hail of bullets, I’ll be happy to help you out with your creepy phone calls. Deal?

RICHARD NIXON: That seems reasonable.

SCARY SILENT ALIEN: *stares*

AMY: Wargh!

RORY: What’s up?

AMY: I literally don’t know. I’m going to find a bathroom. Although really, you’d think it would be more convenient just to pop in to the TARDIS.

The White House lavatories. Fancy!

SCARY SILENT ALIEN: *is flipping terrifying*

AMY: Wargh! Why am I always surprised to see you?

LOVELY LADY: Eek! You look crazy, man. But I like your suit.

AMY: Bitch, are you insane? Get away from that thing!

SCARY SILENT ALIEN: *explodes lady with death-fingers*

KIDS EVERYWHERE: *are traumatised*

SCARY SILENT ALIEN: SO THE THING ABOUT US IS THAT YOU FORGET US AS SOON AS WE’RE OUT OF SIGHT. UNLESS YOU’RE A SMALL CHILD, IN WHICH CASE YOUR PARENTS WILL SHORTLY BE PAYING A PROFESSIONAL TO HELP YOU SLEEP.

AMY: What do you want?

SCARY SILENT ALIEN: YOU WILL TELL THE DOCTOR WHAT HE MUST KNOW AND WHAT HE MUST NEVER KNOW. THAT’S RIGHT; WE’RE ALSO ANNOYINGLY OBLIQUE.

AMY: *runs away*

The Oval Office

PHONE KID: (on phone) Help, the spaceman is here and he’s going to eat me!

DOCTOR: To the TARDIS!

TARDIS interior

CANTON EVERETT DELAWARE III: This is off the freaking hook.

RORY: Word.

Deserted office block, Florida 1969

DOCTOR: Through a series of tedious deductions, we know this is exactly where Phone Kid must be.

RIVER: Let the creeping around in the dark commence.

AMY: (to River) It occurs to me that if the spaceman is the lake-stronaut that totalled the Future Doctor, we could just kill him and stop that from happening.

RIVER: But if the Future Doctor doesn’t get shot, we won’t come back here to stop it from happening. They don’t call it a paradox for nothing, kids.

AMY: What does that even mean?

RIVER: I don’t know. I’m hopped up on guaifenesin and have an earful of olive oil.

DOCTOR: River! Shimmy down that manhole and check it out. And feel free to leer lasciviously whenever there’s a break in the action.

RIVER: Wilco.

Tunnel of dapper terror

SCARY SILENT ALIENS: *are everywhere*

RIVER: *runs away*

Deserted office block

River climbs out of the manhole in a fluster, but relaxes immediately

RIVER: Yep, everything seems fine down there. I’m just going back for no apparent reason.

RORY: Me too.

Tunnel of dapper terror

RIVER: A door! Let’s break it open.

RORY: This is almost certainly a terrible idea.

The door swings open to reveal a spaceship, similar to the one in that episode with James Corden.

Creepy spaceship

RORY: What is this?

RIVER: Check there’s no one behind us.

SCARY SILENT ALIENS: HELLO.

RORY: Seems fine.

VIEWERS: Fly, you fools!

Deserted office block

CANTON EVERETT DELAWARE III: Listen, it’s the echoing voice of Phone Kid! *scampers off*

PHONE KID: (in the distance) Help!

DOCTOR: Let’s go!

AMY: Wait, I have something to tell you.

DOCTOR: Yes, let’s share.

AMY: I’m pregnant. Which I know seems unlikely considering Rory and I have the chemistry of a slug on a bread bin.

The astronaut appears and looks exactly like the lake-stronaut from earlier. It points at the Doctor. Amy grabs Canton’s gun and points it at the astronaut. But wait! The astronaut’s helmet rises to reveal Phone Kid.

PHONE KID: Help!

AMY: *shoots*

DOCTOR: Noooo!

CREDITS

My Verdict:
★★★★
Exciting! Big frights, time travel conundrums and lots of interesting plot points. What’s with all the stomach-clutching? Why’s the Doctor being all flirty? And who really waded out of that lake?

The Boy’s Verdict:
★★★
Well, you know, it’s a Moffat Who, so how bad can it be? It was, however, a 45-minute long set-up for the next episode… which bloody well better deliver. It promises to.

Did you enjoy the episode? Are you finding the Doctor’s new jacket a bit distracting? Leave a comment below!

Contains spoilers for the Christmas 2010 episode of Doctor Who

Previously on Doctor Who:
Amy and Rory got married. The Doctor screwed around with time. God, I can’t remember, we’re talking about July. Loads of things have happened since then. You can find the old Whocaps here, or just have another snifter and click here to enjoy a lovely Christmassy romp. With sharks. Flying sharks.

Amy & Rory’s orbiting love boat of doom

CAPTAIN: Aie! The Love Boat is crashing in these turbulent atmospheric conditions.

POLICE! AMY: We have been enjoying some wholesome bedroom roleplay.

CENTURION! RORY: If I survive the next series it’ll be a chuffing miracle.

FIRST MATE: Captain, shall I remove these passengers from the bridge?

CAPTAIN: Nah, just let them fiddle with the controls and phone up their time-travelling Kwik Fit mate. Apparently he does cash-in-hand or something.

Planet of steampunk wonders

JUGGLER: Mary Cropsmos!

STALLHOLDER: Here’s a Babblemas troo!

LAMP POSTS: Fa la la la la!

CHEESEMONGER: Look, we’re bloody aliens, yeah?

Curmudgeon Heights

POOR DAD: Oh Mr Kazran, please let Welsh singing sensation Katherine Jenkins out of her time freeze debt box? Just for Christmas Eve?

OLD MAN KAZRAN: Humbug! I gave you the chance to consolidate all your debts into one easy-to-manage human icepop, and you should be ruddy grateful.

POOR MUM: But she’s my sister.

POOR KID: And you’re Dumbledore!

HENCHMAN: Sir, the president’s on the blower. He’s asking if you’ll turn down the clouds a bit with your magical sky-controlling gizmo. Otherwise there’s a whole crashing Love Boat full of people that’s going to put a serious downer on our Cryssalmops celebrations.

OLD MAN KAZRAN: Ah well.

DOCTOR: *falls down chimney* Hey guys. Santa’s first name is Jeff, by the way. Just thought I’d throw that in. Also, I’m loving this sky-controlling gizmo; let’s fix it so that the Love Boat can land safely, then we can all relax and play Boggle.

OLD MAN KAZRAN: Forget it, tweedy guy that I’m in no way surprised to see. I’m evil, you see. EVIL.

POOR KID: *rock fling*

ROCK: *head smash*

OLD MAN KAZRAN: Ow! Get out before I slap you like a rump steak, you filthy childthing!

DOCTOR: Violence is wrong, kids. But costume roleplay between consenting adults is normal and natural.

KATHERINE JENKINS: *is frozen*

Amy & Rory’s crashing love boat of doom

AMY: Doctor! So are you going to use that special sky machine to fix this mess or what?

DOCTOR (on phone): Probably. But not just yet.

RORY: Brilliant. Also, my armour has nipples.

Planet of steampunk wonders

POOR DAD: You must get inside, sir, the fish are coming.

DOCTOR: Fish. Okay.

LITTLE FISHIES: *swim around in the fog*

DOCTOR: OMG cute!

SHARKY SHADOW: *looms*

LAMP POSTS: *sing*

Curmudgeon Heights

Old Man Kazran snoozes in his chair by the fire. A black and white home movie begins to play, projected on to the wall opposite. Oooh!

OLD MAN KAZRAN: *snores*

YOUNG KAZRAN (in movie): Hey, merry Christmas! Check out my room. I’m totally going to film some super-secret fog fish tonight, it’s going to be epic.

DADDY GAMBON (in movie): *bursts in* Raaarrgh! No fish for you! Feel the back of my evil hand! *storms out*

OLD MAN KAZRAN: *splutters awake*

DOCTOR: *appears* Old man Kazran, this is your life! Keep watching the movie, I’m going to do some time travel that’ll blow your tiny mind. *disappears*

DOCTOR (in movie): *appears* See? Clever, eh?

YOUNG KAZRAN (in movie): Who are you?

DOCTOR (in movie): I’m your new babysitter. Remember kids, if a stranger appears in your room and claims to be your babysitter, that’s totally okay and should never be questioned. Let’s hide in the cupboard.

OLD MAN KAZRAN: I need a drink.

Cupboard of crap babysitting

YOUNG KAZRAN: So we’re hiding in here until we catch a fish with your sonic screwdriver bait?

DOCTOR: That’s the plan, yes. Hopefully that’ll cheer you up enough that you won’t doom several thousand people to death when you’re an old man.

YOUNG KAZRAN: Top plan.

DOCTOR: Crikey, we’ve caught something! Stay here while I investigate.

Curmudgeon Heights

Old man Kazran watches the action in the movie. He’s now wearing a bow tie like the Doctor’s. Cute!

OLD MAN KAZRAN: Doctor, nooo! I now remember that this ends in flailing toothy terror.

Cupboard of crap babysitting

FLYING SHARK: Raaaaargh, snap snap, etc.

YOUNG KAZRAN: Wah!

DOCTOR: Don’t worry, I’ll just reach in to his cavernous mouth, fetch out my sonic screwdriver and we’ll be on our way.

SHARK: Gnash!

Curmudgeon Heights of Old, rooftop

DOCTOR: I can’t believe I only retrieved half of the sonic screwdriver.

VIEWERS: And escaped a crazy flying shark without injury.

YOUNG KAZRAN: Doctor, I think the shark’s done for. Can’t we help it get back into the clouds where, apparently, it lives?

SHARK: Gasp. Wheeze.

DOCTOR: Well yes, but we’re going to need some kind of icy, life-preserving transportation.

YOUNG KAZRAN: To the basement!

Basement of frosty love

DOCTOR: God almighty, look at all these people in time freeze debt boxes. Isn’t that Welsh singing sensation Katherine Jenkins?

YOUNG KAZRAN: Yep. Her family offered her up in exchange for a bit of hard cash and a stunning gold-effect carriage clock. Now let’s bust her out of there for ten minutes and use her time freeze debt box to pop the shark back up into the atmosphere.

DOCTOR: Excellent idea. Say, is it getting a bit... sharky around here?

SHARK: Snarl! Snap snap!

DOCTOR and YOUNG KAZRAN: *run like billy-o*

K.JENKS (singing): Oh, when Santa got stuck up the chimney he began to shout, you girls and boys won’t get any toys if you don’t let me out!

SHARK: Zzzzzzzzzzz

YOUNG KAZRAN: WTF? Her singing calms the shark!

K.JENKS (singing): My beard is black, there’s soot in my sack, my nose is tickly too – EVERYBODY!

DOCTOR: Wow, what a talent. Quick, get the shark into the box and pile into the TARDIS. You too, Katherine Jenkins!

K.JENKS: Achoo achoo achoo!

Curmudgeon Heights

OLD MAN KAZRAN: Hey, I now have a portrait of Katherine Jenkins. And a box of amazin’ old photos. Time travel is magic!

TARDIS interior

DOCTOR: Here we are in the cloudy, fishy skies of this madcap planet. Let’s set that adorable man-eater free! Insert misogynist joke here.

SHARK: *flies away*

Basement of frosty love

DOCTOR: Right, Katherine Jenkins, get back in your box. Which I can’t help but notice has an ominous descending counter on the front.

K.JENKS: No problem. Will I ever see you again?

DOCTOR: Well, yeah, maybe. I’m not sure. I’m getting my hair cut next week, so I’ll have to –

YOUNG KAZRAN: Yes! We will definitely visit you every Christmas Eve from now until I’m a grown man.

DOCTOR: Arse.

Basement of frosty love, one year later

DOCTOR and YOUNG KAZRAN: Merry Christmas!

K.JENKS: Hooray!

DOCTOR: Let us ride through the sky in a traditional shark-drawn carriage!

YOUNG KAZRAN: W00t!

BRASS SECTION: *joyous oompah*

Curmudgeon Heights

OLD MAN KAZRAN: All these new memories. All these photos. I wonder how much I’d get for them on eBay.

Montage: Basement of frosty love through the ages

The Doctor and Young Kazran return to K.Jenks’ time box every Christmas Eve and have wondrous adventures with fezzes and stuff. Katherine Jenkins is surprisingly calm about the fact that years are flying by in seconds from her perspective. The ominous descending counter counts down, ominously.

Basement of frosty love, some years later

FOXY ADULT KAZRAN: Merry Christmas!

K.JENKS: Rowr!

DOCTOR: Where shall we go this year?

K.JENKS: Let’s go and visit my poor family, who I’ve inexplicably never thought of visiting before now.

DOCTOR: Huh. Buzzkill.

Dickensian hovel

POOR DAD: Come in, come in! Sprouts?

POOR MUM: Screw you, Katherine Jenkins, why have you waited this long to come and visit us?

K.JENKS: To be fair, you sold me to an evil megalomaniac for a few quid. I’m slightly bitter. Or I would be if I had emotions other than ‘mournful’ and ‘singing’.

DOCTOR: I shall steal this scene with card trick hilarity!

CARD TRICK: *is hilarious*

Basement of frosty love

K.JENKS: Best Christmas Eve ever.

DOCTOR: I’ve totally forgotten about Amy and Rory.

VIEWERS: So have we. Do card tricks again!

K.JENKS and FOXY ADULT KAZRAN: *snog*

CHOIR: OooOOOOoooooOOOH etc.

Curmudgeon Heights

OLD MAN KAZRAN: Wow, looking at all these photos of memories is almost as good as actually having been there. Except I was there. Another version of me is there now. Oh god, I don’t know anymore. Being Dumbledore was never this complicated.

1950s Hollywood

DOCTOR: I have to marry Marilyn Monroe despite my ambiguous sexuality.

K.JENKS: And I’m totally dying, by the way.

FOXY ADULT KAZRAN:

Basement of frosty love

FOXY ADULT KAZRAN: Get back in the box, Katherine Jenkins. We’ll figure something out. Probably. *cries*

K.JENKS: *cries*

DOCTOR: Chin up!

FOXY ADULT KAZRAN: Sod off, Doctor. Your tie is stupid.

DOCTOR: This doesn’t bode well for the Love Boat.

Curmudgeon Heights

OLD MAN KAZRAN (into phone): Look, I don’t care about the Love Boat. If I can’t have a Welsh singing sensation, then everyone else can be smushed into stroganoff for all I care. *hangs up*

HOLOGRAM! AMY: *appears* Howdy! Check out my stems.

OLD MAN KAZRAN: Hell’s teeth, who are you?

HOLOGRAM! AMY: Listen, it’s the sound of the dying Love Boat passengers.

LOVE BOAT PASSENGERS (singing): Well I wish it could be Christmas every daaaaay! When the sharks start swimmin’ and the squid begin to plaaay...

OLD MAN KAZRAN: It’s... haunting. But if you think I’m going to save that spaceship, you’re out of your tree, lady. I was perfectly happy being a curmudgeon until the Doctor made me love poor, frosty Katherine Jenkins. And now I can’t let her out of her time freeze debt box or she’ll die within hours.

HOLOGRAM! AMY: Oh. Bummer. Rory, widen the holobeam! Show Old Man Kazran what it’s like on the Love Boat.

Amy & Rory’s crashing love boat of doom, hologram edition

LOVE BOAT: *wobbles and explodes a bit*

CREW: *run around*

CENTURION! RORY: I’m allowed to press buttons on this spaceship despite having no aeronautical qualifications.

CAPTAIN: Fix this, quick, or we’re going to die a horrible, unChristmassy death.

OLD MAN KAZRAN: Is that a word?

Basement of frosty love

DOCTOR: Old Man Kazran, I’m so sorry about K.Jenks, but there are plenty of other Welsh singing sensations in the sea. What about Charlotte Church, for example. Or Duffy?

OLD MAN KAZRAN: Forget it! I’m a broken man. Broken!

DOCTOR: But look, here’s Young Kazran. Remember him? What’s he going to think of you?

YOUNG KAZRAN: *emerges from TARDIS* Um... dad?

OLD MAN KAZRAN: Why you little – *raises fist*

YOUNG KAZRAN: *winces*

OLD MAN KAZRAN: *cries* What have I become?

Curmudgeon Heights

DOCTOR: Quick, fix the magical sky-controlling gizmo!

OLD MAN KAZRAN: I can’t get it to work, for plot reasons I can’t be bothered to go into at this time.

DOCTOR: Oh dear. Right, we need to transmit Katherine Jenkins’ voice into the cloud layer via the half of my sonic screwdriver that’s still inside that flying shark. Who I’m sure is still swimming after all these decades.

YOUNG KAZRAN: But she’s dying! Why can’t we just sing ourselves?

DOCTOR: No, that is for some reason impossible. K.Jenks must die!

Basement of frosty love

OLD MAN KAZRAN: Oh, hey Katherine Jenkins.

K.JENKS: Wow. You’re much less foxy now.

OLD MAN KAZRAN: On the upside, I am Dumbledore.

Amy & Rory’s crashing love boat of doom

CAPTAIN: We’re doomed!

POLICE! AMY: But wait, what’s that sound?

Planet of steampunk wonders

K.JENKS (singing): Step into Christmas! Let’s join together!

DOCTOR: It’s working. The ice crystals in the sky are settling in response to K.Jenks’ angelic tones.

VIEWERS: Okay.

YOUNG KAZRAN: And it’s totally snowing!

EVERYONE: Hooray!

Amy & Rory’s no longer crashing love boat of, er, love

POLICE! AMY and CENTURION! RORY: *hair kiss*

Planet of steampunk wonders

Young Kazran has been returned to his own time in the TARDIS. The Doctor appears to be making out with a snowman.

POLICE! AMY: We’re back! Look, Rory is going to give you a cute man-punch.

CENTURION! RORY: *cute man-punch*

DOCTOR: Right, everyone back in the TARDIS.

POLICE! AMY: But what about Kazran and Katherine Jenkins?

DOCTOR: Yeah, she’s pretty much going to die now, but don’t worry about that; our next series looks bloody brilliant.

CREDITS

My Verdict:
★★★★
Ah, lovely festive fun! I always enjoy stories where the Doctor breezes through a lifetime in minutes, and this was a perfect example. Not as silly as some of the other Christmas specials, and lots of funny dialogue to enjoy. Bravo!

The Boy’s Verdict:
★★★★
The specials always necessarily exist a little bit outside the canon, both in flavour and story arc, yet while the thing I found most exciting about this episode was the taster trailer for next season – “…twelve Jammie Dodgers and fez!” – it was nevertheless a lorra lorra laffs. And Gambon’s give-it-all-you-got, Carrie-Fisher-smacked-off-her-tits-believing-it-all-to-be-real performance was aces.

By popular request, here’s the final Whocap master list for super-quick searching:

1 The Eleventh Hour
2 The Beast Below
3 Victory of the Daleks*
4 The Time of Angels
5 Flesh and Stone
6 The Vampires of Venice
7 Amy’s Choice**
8 The Hungry Earth
9 Cold Blood
10 Vincent and the Doctor
11 The Lodger***
12 The Pandorica Opens
13 The Big Bang
Christmas 2010: A Christmas Carol

*Most popular Whocap, with bonus hilarious comments thread
**No Whocap for this episode
***Least popular Whocap, but cool guest verdict from my dad

Contains spoilers for the current series of Doctor Who

Previously on Doctor Who:
Rory got shot by a lizard lady, Amy got shot by a robot Rory, the Doctor was locked in the Pandorica prison cube and River Song was locked in the exploding TARDIS. It was all terribly exciting. Catch up now with episodes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12. Episode 7 is sadly The Lost Whocap, but you can still watch it online if you like. Do it!

Young Amy’s house, night

Hey, it’s young Amelia again, hooray! She’s praying by her bed – hang on, we’ve seen this bit.

AMELIA: Dear Santa, please make scary bedroom whispers go away, kthxbai.

TARDIS: *doesn’t crash outside*

AMELIA: *runs to window with the same 1980s torch that my family had when I was growing up*

TARDIS: *isn’t there*

AMELIA: Screw you, Santa. And those pencils were rubbish.

Young Amy’s living room

PSYCHIATRIST: This painting is lovely and everything, but I’m concerned about these mad pointy things in the sky.

AMELIA’S AUNT: Hi, I really do exist! But Amelia, there are no such things as stars. And this psychiatrist is making a special after-hours house call, so it’d be great if you could stop acting all crazy and start wearing shoes instead of wellingtons.

AMELIA: You are both idiots.

Young Amy’s hallway

AMELIA: Aunt? Can we go and visit The National Museum tomorrow? A shadowy figure has just dropped a leaflet through the door with ‘come on Pond’ written on it.

AUNT: What? With your recent mental turmoil? Sure thing!

The National Museum, day

Amelia and her aunt rock up to the museum, Amelia running past an exhibit of – wah! – stone-like Daleks to the Pandorica.

AMELIA: Well this is something of an anticlimax. I guess I’ll just slurp this sugary drink near these priceless exhibits until something happens.

Amelia’s drink is snatched from her hands, and suddenly there’s a Post-It note on the Pandorica. It says ‘stick around, Pond’. Yes, just hang around without your legal guardian for a few hours, possibly while spilling a Slush Puppie on a sarcophagus. What sort of a museum is this?

AMELIA’S AUNT: Amelia, where are you? Oh god, I’ve lost her. *shrugs* Ah well.

The National Museum, night

STUFFED POLAR BEAR: *looms*

STONE-LIKE DALEK: *stares*

AMELIA: *touches the pandorica*

PANDORICA: *opens*

ADULT AMY: Hello! No one really understands anything that happens in this episode, so just relax and enjoy the fez.

CREDITS – STILL GROOVY, BY THE WAY

Stonehenge, 2 AD

RORY: We really must catch up, it’s been literally ages.

AMY’S CORPSE: ...

RORY: I suppose that now the universe is ending, neither of us will ever have been born and thus I won’t have brutally murdered you with my surprise fingergun.

FUTURE DOCTOR: *appears* Rory! I am wearing a fez and carrying a mop. It’s all going to be okay, she’s not dead! *disappears*

RORY: Okay.

FUTURE DOCTOR: *reappears* Take my sonic screwdriver and get the present-Doctor out of the Pandorica. *disappears*

RORY: Right.

FUTURE DOCTOR: *reappears* Oh, and when you’re done, leave my screwdriver in her top pocket otherwise I’ll be stuck without it in the future.

RORY: I need a drink.

The Underhenge

PANDORICA: *opens surprisingly easily*

DOCTOR: Well done Rory! Not so well done on the whole almost-slaughtering-your-girlfriend thing, but well done on everything else.

RORY: So is Amy dead or what?

DOCTOR: No, she’s only a bit dead. Handily, the Pandorica keeps its prisoners in perpetual limbo by never allowing them to die, thus we can put Amy in the Pandorica, wait 2000 years until she’s actually born, then somehow get the young Amy to leave her DNA on the Pandorica and it will restore the grown-up Amy to full health. Meanwhile, we’ll zip forward in time using River’s time vortex and meet both Amys at the other end, mmmkay?

RORY: Riiight. I’m having some concerns about the timescale of this plan. 2000 years seems like something of a long time to leave my half-dead girlfriend unattended in a box. I think I’ll stay here and guard her, being as I am an everlasting robot centurion now.

VIEWERS: Seriously?

RORY: Yup.

The National Museum, night

AMY: Phew! Thanks for rescuing me, um, small girl I’ve never seen before in my life. I’m just going to chillax here on the floor until the Doctor turns up.

AMELIA: Why don’t we admire this educational wall display about the history of the Pandorica?

AMY: Wow. Apparently I’ve been ‘raided by the Franks’.

AUDIOGUIDE: Of course, the Pandorica was guarded throughout history by a lone centurion with a really cool trigger finger. No one’s seen him since the Second World War, though, which seems like a cruelly recent time for Rory to cop it.

AMY: *eyeroll*

STONE-LIKE DALEK: EXTERMINATE! I AM A PROPER DALEK NOW!

AMELIA and AMY: Eep.

DOCTOR: *appears* Hey guys, what’s up? I’ll just take a moment to express surprise that young Amelia is here, despite saying just moments ago that she would be. Oh look, a fez. *puts on fez* I suppose we’d better all run away.

MUSEUM GUARD: *is rory!* What’s all this ruckus?

DALEK: STAND ASIDE PUNY HUMAN.

RORY: *shoots dalek with fingergun*

AMY: Rory! Let us kiss with tongues!

DALEK: *prepares to fire*

EVERYONE: *runs away*

Museum corridor of confusing plot points

Amy, Amelia, Rory and the Doctor run into the corridor, Rory closing the doors on the pursuing Dalek, the Doctor grabbing a mop to shove through the handles.

RORY: Doctor! You were wearing a fez and carrying a mop when you appeared to me at the start of the episode.

DOCTOR: Excellent, I’d better use River’s time vortex to hop back in time now so that the you-of-the-past can rescue the me-of-the-past and we can all end up here. *disappears*

AMELIA: Ironically, I really will need to see a psychiatrist after this.

AMY: *pulls sonic screwdriver from her top pocket*

DOCTOR: *reappears and takes screwdriver* Thanks! I kind of wish I’d had one of these vortexes before, they’re ever so useful.

INJURED FUTURE DOCTOR: *appears and collapses*

DOCTOR: Well this puts something of a damper on things.

INJURED FUTURE DOCTOR: *dies*

VIEWERS: He’ll regenerate, though, right?

DOCTOR: No, he’s pretty much dead. Also, you may notice that Amelia has blinked out of existence.

AMY: So why am I still here?

ME: I’ve watched this twice and I still have no idea.

Museum roof

Rory, Amy and the Doctor are on their own in a weird half-light. Where the sun should be, there’s a massive explosion in the sky.

DOCTOR: Okay, so if you listen to the audio I’m picking up on this satellite dish, you’ll hear the looping voice of Dr River Song, sassy adventurer, poisoner of innocent guards, troubled surgeon and my possible future-wife.

AMY: What, she’s been stuck in the exploding TARDIS for 2000 years?

DOCTOR: Yeah, I know. I’ll just get her. *disappears*

AMY: I’ve just noticed I’ve got my fantastic boots on again. Wow, if I were a husband with a wife approaching a big-ticket birthday, I’d totally investigate buying a pair of these. Cough.

DOCTOR: *reappears with river*

RIVER: That fez will not stand. *kills fez*

DOCTOR:

DALEK: SURPRISE!

EVERYONE: *runs away*

Museum corridor of doom

DOCTOR: Alright everyone, basically I’m due to be killed by a Dalek in a few minutes, so let’s just run around frantically until then.

RORY: Okay. I was wondering, though, how that stone-like Dalek came back to life?

DOCTOR: So when the universe collapsed, the only thing not affected was the Pandorica, in which were trapped atoms from the universe as it was before. And those can somehow bring things back to life. So the light that came out of the Pandorica touched the Dalek and it started zipping around and trying to kill everyone. Which means that if you could shine light from the Pandorica right across the universe, you could restore it to how it was before all this happened.

RORY: Is anyone understanding this?

VIEWERS: No.

RIVER: Let’s just refer to it as ‘Big Bang 2’ which is kind of cringe-making but only has three syllables.

DALEK: *shoots doctor* EXTERMINATE!

DOCTOR: *collapses*

RORY: *shoots dalek with fingergun*

DOCTOR: *presses time vortex button and disappears*

AMY: It’s okay, he’s just downstairs. We saw him die there, like, three scenes ago.

RIVER: Oh. In that case, you two go down there, I’ll stay here and make this Dalek beg for mercy like a big plungery bitch.

Museum corridor of confusing plot points

AMY: River! We’re having some problems locating the Doctor’s body.

RIVER: Ah. He’s probably not dead, then. To the Pandorica!

The Pandorica

The Doctor is slumped in the Pandorica’s chair. He’s wired the vortex manipulator to the Pandorica’s innards before passing out. Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll regenerate in a minute. (Note: he won’t)

RIVER: As the Doctor is unconscious, it falls to me to explain bafflingly that the universe is still collapsing. See? The stuffed polar bear is gone! But if the Doctor flies the Pandorica into the exploding TARDIS, its light could reach everywhere in the universe and somehow put everything back how it’s supposed to be.

AMY: Sigh. I remember when all we had to worry about was giant eyeballs.

RIVER: Oh yes, I should add that everyone will be fine except the Doctor, who will blink out of existence. Pip pip.

DOCTOR: Amy, might I have a private word?

EVERYONE ELSE: *shuffles off awkwardly*

DOCTOR: Didn’t you ever wonder why you were living in that massive house all on your own with no parents?

VIEWERS: Yes.

AMY: *shrugs*

DOCTOR: I think it’s entirely possible your whole family were swallowed some years ago by the time crack in your bedroom wall. When this whole TARDIS/Pandorica explosion happens, you’ll probably wake up to find two adorable Scottish buffoons in your house; try not to be alarmed.

AMY: Are you new? Nothing alarms me.

PANDORICA DOORS: *close*

PANDORICA: *takes off*

DOCTOR: I might as well take this opportunity to send a jovial text message. Geronimo!

CGI sequence of great wonder

The Doctor flies the Pandorica up into the planet-sized explosion that surrounds the TARDIS. This causes, as predicted, an even more gigantic explosion. Ka-blammo! Whee, and then everything goes backwards for a bit. Bzzzrp. Vzzzrp. Etc.

TARDIS interior

The Doctor awakes to find himself on the floor of the TARDIS. Huzzah!

DOCTOR: Well this is a turn up for the books. I can’t help but notice, though, that I am actually back in time a bit. Look, there’s me-of-the-past and Amy-of-the-past preparing for our trip to space-Florida.

VIEWERS: Space-Florida?! Why did we never see this episode?

DOCTOR: This can only mean that the time cracks are closing, my timeline is rewinding and my history is erasing itself. Past-Amy, can you hear me?

PAST-AMY: *looks nonplussed*

Suburban street from a few episodes ago

DOCTOR: Oh look, this is when she put that note in the newsagent’s window for me. She’s helpful like that. Amy! Can you hear me yet?

PAST-AMY: *reacts vaguely*

Narnia

DOCTOR: Hooray, it’s the blinded Amy, I’ll be able to talk to her up close and she won’t suspect that I am an interloper from my own doomed future.

PAST-AMY: Doctor?

DOCTOR: Amy? Have a good think and see if you can remember the thing I’m about to tell you back when you were seven.

PAST-AMY: Fish custard?

Young Amy’s house, night

Amelia is in bed, asleep. Her deadbeat aunt is presumably down the arcade, swigging cider from the bottle.

DOCTOR: Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once. When you wake up, you’ll have no memory of me, but I’ll leave a clever trail of clues in order than I come screaming back into your head on your future wedding day, thus popping back into existence.

AMELIA: Zzzzz.

DOCTOR: Once upon a time an old man with crazy hair borrowed a blue box that was new and ancient at the same time. And then they all lived happily ever after. Night then! *disappears*

AMELIA: Zzzzz.

CRACK IN AMY’S WALL: *closes*

Grown-up Amy’s bedroom, morning

DOCTOR DOLLS: Morning everyone!

AMY’S MUM: Morning dear!

AMY: Mum? Hello! This is in no way weird.

AMY’S WEDDING DRESS: My day is finally here! *weeps*

Living room

AMY’S DAD: Morning Amelia. I am adorable!

AMY: This is great!

RORY: (on phone) And I’m not a robot anymore. Or dead!

Amy and Rory’s wedding reception

AMY’S DAD: Ladies and gentlemen, can I just say how lovely it is to see you all here today. And can I also add that I can’t believe we got through Amy and Rory’s wedding without the Doctor bursting into the room and shouting ‘I object!’ or the vicar turning into a Cyberman or anything like that. This must be the most drama-free social event in the history of Doctor Who. Additionally, my name is apparently Augustus Pond.

GUESTS: Cheers!

RIVER: *sashays past window*

AMY: Hang on.

RORY: Ah, here we go. My new wife is crying. Fantastic. Here Amy, take a gander at that mysterious woman’s old TARDIS-like diary, it’s sure to cheer you up.

AMY: I feel weird. That kid’s wearing a bow tie. And that guy’s wearing braces. I’m going to stand up and make a scene.

RORY:

AMY: Shut up everyone! Old, new, borrowed, blue? There’s someone missing. My imaginary friend!

AMY’S MUM: Oh god, I’m really sorry everyone. We hired the best psychiatrists money could buy but she’s still a mardy, gangly attention-seeker.

AMY: The Raggedy Doctor, I remember you! Come back this instant, and remember to wear a scandalously dashing outfit to make Rory look like a Moss Bros chump.

TARDIS: *appears*

RORY: Oh yeah! I’d forgotten about him, sorry.

DOCTOR: Hello everyone, I am not actually imaginary. Also, congratulations on your wedding. Lovely spread.

GUESTS: ...

Amy and Rory’s camp wedding disco

DOCTOR: *dances like a loon*

VIEWERS: Best scene ever?

AMY and RORY: *smooch*

TARDIS, exterior

DOCTOR: Damn, I can never find my keys.

RIVER: *appears* You look natty.

DOCTOR: River! Thanks. Oh, here’s your diary back. And your time vortex.

RIVER: Thanks.

DOCTOR: Incidentally, River, are we married in the future?

RIVER: Possibly. I’m not saying we’re not married. I’m also not saying that it’s improbable that I’ll turn out to be some kind of murderous villain later on. Toodles. *disappears*

DOCTOR: Well that clears things up.

TARDIS interior

DOCTOR: I guess I’ll be off.

AMY: Hey, we’re coming with you!

RORY: I have no say in this matter.

DOCTOR: Sure. This will in no way be an awkward gooseberry-style situation.

PHONE: *rings*

DOCTOR: What? Orient Express? Egyptian goddess? Let’s go – the Christmas special’s going to be a blinder.

AMY: Bye everyone!

STEVEN MOFFAT: *bows*

CREDITS

My Verdict:
★★★★
Okay, it was a bit silly in places and the plot was bewildering for much of the time, but this was a great ending to a great series. Can anyone else not quite believe they married off a companion, though?

The Boy’s Verdict:
★★★
Doctor Who is always at its best when situations are solved without a deus ex machina, and this series has been particularly good at twisting the plot using only stuff that we know about already, such as switching the gravity back on in the angels episode, or even just realising that the Pandorica was built as a prison for the Dcotor. But while this episode’s plot wasn’t dependent on a deus ex machina, it didn’t have the elegance and grace of the first half. Ah, screw it; if only for “It’s a fez. I wear a fez now. Fezzes are cool.” and “I can buy a fez,” this was still a good episode. End of series episodes are usually silly or foolishly, strainingly perilous, and this was neither. And besides, though I’m still forlornly waving my Team Wilf flag, it looks like at least next series we may have a male companion as well as a female.

Did you enjoy this episode? What did you think of the series? Are you sold on the eleventh Doctor? Will bow ties ever be cool? Let me know in the comments!

And that’s the last Whocap of the series, folks. Join me next Saturday for a fun final fling!

Contains spoilers for the current series of Doctor Who

Previously on Doctor Who:
The Doctor met orphan Amy as a child and helped her fix a time-sucking interdimensional crack in her bedroom wall. Twelve years later, Amy ran off with the Doctor on the eve of her wedding to gilet-wearing nurse Rory. It was all TARDIS-based fun and games until Rory got killed by a lizard-lady and erased from history by another scary time crack; the nation wept. Get clickety-clicking now to catch up with episodes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10 and 11.

France, 1890

Oh look, it’s Vincent van Gogh again! And is that the famed Dr Gachet? I’m going to say it is. Poor Vincent is screaming and writhing in bed while Gachet tries to calm him, the uptight Madame Vernet tutting over the noise.

VINCENT: Arrrrghh! I am tortured with visions! Tortured I say!

DR GACHET: Vincent, try to relax. Go to your happy place. Imagine you’re a leaf on the wind. Would you like some peppermint tea?

MADAME VERNET: Hmph. Look at this horrible painting he’s done, it’s giving me a migraine.

DR GACHET: *looks at painting in bewilderment*

VINCENT: *screams*

VIEWERS: Can we see the painting?

DR GACHET: Nope.

Cabinet War Rooms, 1941

BILL PATERSON: Yes, sir, it’s a genuine van Gogh. Our boys found it in France between being shot at and getting the crap bombed out of them.

WINSTON CHURCHILL: Well it doesn’t fit my War Rooms’ decor at all; I’m going for more of a map theme. What should we do with it?

BILL PATERSON: I reckon we’re supposed to deliver it.

WINSTON CHURCHILL: Good idea! Also, nice glove; you really seem to be rocking the whole half-dalek look.

Futuristic prison that I’m sure was also the giant under-Thames spider lair a few years back, 5145

PHONE: *rings*

JITTERY GUARD: *answers* Hello, you have reached a nightmarish vision of the future, how may I help you? What? Doctor what? We’ve got River Song here, she was a doctor in ER. Or was she a surgeon? Either way, we’ve had to lock her up for first degree SASSY.

RIVER: (behind bars) Give me that phone. And check out my bangin’ bod this instant! I’m pushing fifty, you know.

JITTERY GUARD: Er, okay. *hands phone to river*

RIVER: (on phone) Winnie!

WINSTON CHURCHILL: (on phone) I’m trying to call the TARDIS, what’s going on?

RIVER: (on phone) The TARDIS has re-routed your call for reasons that are fuzzy. Explain in a nanosecond what’s up.

JITTERY GUARD: Give me my phone back already.

RIVER: *hands over phone and kisses guard through bars*

Futuristic prison, minutes later

Alarms are ringing; a troop of guards burst into the room and join the Jittery Guard, pointing their weapons at River’s cell.

JITTERY GUARD: Don’t worry lads, she tried the hallucinogenic lipstick on me, but I told her ‘Hey, I’m no Mike Skinner, baby. I can snog you all day and still solve a sudoku in under fifty seconds.

OTHER GUARDS: *exchange disturbed looks*

JITTERY GUARD: Don’t move! I’ve got you covered!

OTHER GUARDS: Dude... that’s just a drawing.

DOODLE ON WALL: *is cute*

The Royal Art Collection, 5145

River runs through the destroyed gallery, where paintings are ripped from their frames, some in tatters. She finds the painting she’s looking for – we see only a glimpse of starry sky – and rips it from its frame.

LIZ 10: Hold it! What are you doing here? I am a Cockney!

RIVER: I’m stealing this painting to show the Doctor.

LIZ 10: I see. Carry on.

Laborious scene we can just skip over

RIVER: May I buy a time machine of some kind?

BLUE-FACED ALIEN: Sure thing!

TARDIS, interior

Amy is staring at the engagement ring she has just found in the Doctor’s pocket. It is, of course, the engagement ring given to her by Rory, but she has no memory of him or it.

DOCTOR: Hey Amy! I’ve got a great idea. Let’s, on a whim, visit a planet with a diamond cliff upon which is carved a gigantic message which no one has ever been able to translate. The TARDIS will translate it for us!

AMY: Whatever. There’s nothing on telly anyway.

Planet of diamond cliffs

DOCTOR: *throws open TARDIS door* Ta-daa!

AMY: Oh-ho!

The cliff message reads ‘hello sweetie’ in enormous letters, followed by a string of coordinates. Oh River, you are both sassy and ecologically damaging.

Roman Britain, 2 AD

The Doctor and Amy exit the TARDIS and take in the scene in the valley below: a busy Roman camp.

DOCTOR: Romans! I love these guys, with their feathery hats and orgies.

AMY: Romans were my favourite topic at school. REMEMBER THAT, KIDS.

SOLDIER: *appears* Hail Caesar!

DOCTOR: Um...

SOLDIER: Welcome to Britain, please report to the Cleopatra tent for a full de-panting.

The soldier rises and we can see his face is smeared with River’s hallucinogenic lipstick. Where can I get that stuff? They are marched to the tent where River waits.

RIVER: Hi, look at this wig! Wine?

DOCTOR: Let’s just cut to the chase, this is the longest opening sequence ever.

RIVER: Fine. Check out this painting I’ve just travelled through time and space to bring you.

DOCTOR: *unrolls painting*

AMY: Arse.

The painting shows the TARDIS exploding in space. Yikes!

CREDITS

Roman camp, 2 AD

So the painting is called ‘The Pandorica Opens’, and Vincent has added the date and map reference to it. Thanks, Vincent!

AMY: Great, so is the TARDIS going to explode? I’ve left all my most awesome boots in there.

RIVER: But the Pandorica is a fairy tale, supposedly built to contain the most feared thing in the universe.

DOCTOR: Let us ride in a comically stunt-doubly fashion... to the Henge!

Stonehenge

DOCTOR: Right, if the Pandorica is around here, it contains the most awesome warrior in all of history. And if it’s opening, you can bet your granny there’ll be some classic Who baddies looking for a piece of the action.

VIEWERS: Yay!

DOCTOR: It must be underground! Because frankly that’ll be much easier to film.

RIVER: Let’s wait til it gets dark, then I’ll use my excellent gravity-defying technology to lift one of the rocks!

AMY: Why not use it now?

RIVER: Shut up.

The Underhenge

There is a network of passages under Stonehenge. Of course there is. The trio creep along like a bunch of weedy Indiana Joneses, with flaming torches and everything. They find a huge chamber containing a large metal cube with mysterious hieroglyphs all over it. Ooh!

DOCTOR: Behold, the Pandorica! Also, a Cyberman arm! But let’s not worry about that for now. Basically, this thing is supposed to hold the most destructive and dangerous being the universe has ever known, tricked by a good wizard and held locked underground forever.

AMY: Blimey. Although, isn’t that just a bit like Pandora’s Box? That was my favourite story growing up.

DOCTOR: Remember that, kids. Anyway, the Pandorica is opening, just like Vincent said it would, and frankly I’m concerned. Look, here’s my concerned face. Also, Stonehenge is a giant transmitter, warning everyone about this whole business.

RIVER: Warning who?

DOCTOR: Oh, you know. Everyone. We’re basically surrounded by starships; it’s gonna be like Top of the Pops for Who villains, but when Top of the Pops was good and had the Rolling Stones on. The Daleks can be the Rolling Stones, the Cybermen can be The Beatles, the Adipose can be Pan’s People and the Face of Boe can be Jimmy Savile. He isn’t really a villain, but he’d look good with a cigar. I’m drifting. What the hell is in this box?

Stonehenge, night

The gang run back to the surface to find they are surrounded by thousands and thousands of spaceships.

RIVER: Doctor, without wishing to emasculate you in any way, I suggest you run away as fast as your gangly legs can carry you.

DOCTOR: Nonsense! We’ll gather up a Roman legion and be home in time for poached pigeon and kinky whipping games.

RIVER: Good plan. I’ll go back to camp and have an encounter with a shadowy centurion while you dodge Amy’s awkward questions for a while.


The Underhenge

DOCTOR: Amy, wander around aimlessly while I listen to the Pandorica with my stethoscope.

AMY: Okay. Incidentally, who are you proposing to? I found this flashy engagement ring in your pocket and, er, stole it.

ENGAGEMENT RING: Hey guys!

DOCTOR: What? Oh, that’s nothing. I got it in my Cinnamon Grahams.

CYBERMAN ARM: *shoots*

DOCTOR and AMY: *dive for cover*

DOCTOR and CYBERARM: *wrestle*

CYBERHEAD: *grabs amy with neck tentacles*

AMY: *falls over*

DOCTOR: *is electrocuted by cyberarm*

CYBERHEAD: *tries to eat amy’s face*

YOUNG VIEWERS: *have nightmares*

CYBERHEAD: *hits amy with dart*

CYBERBODY: *clanks into room*

AMY: *staggers about uselessly*

SHADOWY CENTURION: *stabs cyberbody with sword*

AMY: *gawps*

SHADOWY CENTURION: *omg is rory!*

VIEWERS: Yay!

AMY: *collapses*

DOCTOR: I’m back! Well done, Romans, Amy’s fine. Also, I can’t help but notice that one of you is Rory. Which is odd, mainly because a few episodes ago he was not only killed but deleted from existence.

RORY: I know! One minute I was dead, the next I was a Roman. What are the chances? This armour is a little bit like a gilet, at least. A big metal gilet. Did Amy miss me at all?

DOCTOR: ...

Pandorica chamber

The Pandorica is lit up and clanking loudly. The Doctor, Rory and assorted Romans gather around.

DOCTOR: The final phase. It’s opening!

ROMANS: Let us rhubarb in wonder!

DOCTOR: (on phone) River, get the TARDIS here immediately, I need my stuff and Amy’s boots are ruined.

RIVER: (on phone) Wilco. Did you know that it’s really easy to mistype my name as ‘Rover’? How undignified.

Stonehenge, night

DOCTOR: (on loudspeaker) Now hear this, alien ships! I know the Pandorica is mighty exciting and all, but if you want to get at it you’ll have to face my tweedy fury first.

ALIEN SHIPS: *fly away for a while*

The Underhenge

AMY: My head hurts.

RORY: Amy, it’s me!

AMY: Oh, the shadowy guy? Thanks dude, I owe you a snifter. *wanders off*

RORY:

TARDIS interior

TARDIS: *goes crazy*

RIVER: What’s wrong with you? Fly straight!

The Underhenge

RORY: Doctor, what the hell is going on?

DOCTOR: Frankly Rory, I have no idea, but I’m going to talk fast to compensate. There are cracks and a pending explosion, or possibly an exploding crack, I dunno. Or a pendulum. Anyway, brace yourself for something dreadful to happen in the next fourteen minutes, because this is almost certainly leading to a massive cliffhanger. Here, take your engagement ring back, I can’t imagine how that could make things any worse.

RORY: Thanks!

Amy’s house, night, 2010

RIVER: This isn’t where I’m meant to be. But I shall investigate anyway; that’s the sassy way!

RIVER’S SCANNER: Bleepety-bleep!

RIVER: Aha, so something’s been here already?

RIVER’S SCANNER: Bloop!

Amy’s house has been ransacked; the door’s kicked in and everything. Oh dear. River finds Amy’s room. Hey, remember the adorable Doctor dolls? They’re still adorable! But what’s this? On Amy’s bedside table there’s a book about the Romans and one about Pandora’s Box. Tut tut, Amy, that homework is long overdue.

RIVER: I have come to a startling realisation! But I can’t share it just yet.

VIEWERS: Come ON!

Stonehenge, night, 2 AD

RORY: How’s it going, stranger?

AMY: Oh, fine thanks.

DISCORDANT SYNTHESIZER OF DOOM: *plinky-plonks*

RORY: Why are you crying?

AMY: I don’t know. You’re weirding me out.

Pandorica chamber

RIVER: (on phone) Quick update, Doctor: The TARDIS isn’t working, and everyone surrounding you is a fictional character from a children’s book I found in Amy’s house.

DOCTOR: Someone’s stolen Amy’s memories and made them flesh?

RIVER: That’s the size of it. Also, my hair looks fantastic and this is so much more fun than ER.

DOCTOR: Noted. Why is this happening? If the Romans are an elaborate ruse, why are they helping us? What’s in the box? Why do birds suddenly appear? I’m so confused.

RIVER: It’s a trap, you fool! Someone’s used Amy to create a scenario that would entice you in. But why? Also, what’s up the the TARDIS?

Stonehenge, night

AMY: I kind of like your face.

RORY: It’s me! Remember the falling-over times? And the stag night t-shirts? And when I was a gondola driver?

The Underhenge

A high-pitched noise fills the chamber. Ouch.

ROMANS: *do the robot*

PANDORICA: *begins to open*

DOCTOR: I’ll be honest, this doesn’t look great.

ROMAN HANDS: *click open to reveal guns*

DOCTOR: That is clever, though.

Stonehenge

RORY: Wait, I don’t want to do the robot. I’m a human man!

AMY: I remember you! Sorry I was a total bitch earlier.

RORY: It’s too late, run away! *struggles against robot programming*

AMY: This is awful!

The Underhenge

The Doctor is restrained by the robot Romans.

DOCTOR: What’s this all about?

ROBOT ROMAN: The Pandorica is ready.

DALEKS: WE ARE HERE. BEGIN SMACKTALK.

CYBERMEN: We are here too. We have been doing calculations. Or something.

RHINO GUYS: We can’t remember what we are called.

SONTARANS: We shout a lot! And we’re ready!

DOCTOR: Ready for what? The first Doctor Who dinner/cabaret club?

DALEK: READY FOR YOU, DOCTOR.

The Pandorica opens to reveal a high-tech chair with heavy restraints and buttons and stuff around it.

DOCTOR: F&$*(@£*&!

VIEWERS: !!!!

Stonehenge

AMY: Rory, you are definitely my boyfriend and not a robotic killing machine implanted with the memories of a dead man. Let’s make out and I’ll prove it!

RORY: *shoots amy in the stomach*

DADS EVERYWHERE: Nooo!

Slo-mo sequence of great sadness

Daleks twinkle in the torchlight. Amy collapses in Rory-bot’s arms. The Doctor is locked into the Pandorica chair of doom, struggling like a madman. Sontarans nod. The rhino guys remember they’re called the Judoon. Rory-bot cries. This is bleak stuff!

DOCTOR: The universe is collapsing, I can help!

SONTARAN: You idiot! We have come together to save the universe from you and your crack-making TARDIS!

DOCTOR: What? This episode is complicated.

VIEWERS: Word.

CYBERMAN: Seal the Pandorica.

DOCTOR: No!

PANDORICA: *is sealed*

TARDIS interior

River wrenches the doors open with much effort to find a stone wall blocking her in. The TARDIS consoles begin to crackle and spark.

The Earth, from space

All around the planet, galaxies collapse and explode. Lawks.

CREDITS

My Verdict:
★★★★★
Loved it! What a scrumptiously exciting cliffhanger.

The Boy’s Verdict:
★★★★★
It takes skill to write an obvious outcome but hide it from the audience in the build-up. This, despite a little perhaps unavoidable humbug of the Doctor’s speech, was yer actual awesome, backed up with some genuinely talented acting from Smith, Gillan and Darvill. Five stars of anyone’s money. Bravo.

Did you enjoy the episode? Let me know in the comments. Join me and the boy next week for the last Whocap of the series!

Contains spoilers for the new series of Doctor Who

Previously on Doctor Who:
Amy’s fiancé Rory was shot by a Silurian and erased from history by a big crack. The TARDIS acted up a bit. Amy wore a lot of red. Click to catch up on Whocaps of old: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10 Oh, the fun you’ll have! Remember the ominous parp? Good times.

Earth, present day

The TARDIS lands in a park. The Doctor appears at the door.

DOCTOR: Ah, it’s just Cardiff again. Crank up the wacky prop closest to hand, Amy, and we’ll be on our way.

The TARDIS judders, throwing the Doctor out on to the grass, then disappears. Inside, Amy flails helplessly at the controls.

DOCTOR: Well, this is something of a pickle.

Suburban street, one day later

A young studenty-looking guy walks by a semi-detached house which has been split into flats. As he passes the front door, an anxious male voice calls out from the intercom.

INTERCOM VOICE: Hello? Can you help me please? There’s been a terrible accident. But nothing frightening or untoward, you understand.

STUDENT: *approaches door*

DOOR: *buzzes open*

STUDENT: *enters*

VIEWERS: Fly, you fool!

House interior

The hallway is dark. At the top of the stairs, a man is silhouetted against a brightly lit door with a catflap.

STUDENT: Hello?

MAN: Please, will you help?

Downstairs flat

Craig is hanging out in his flat with secret crush Sophie. Craig is played by James Corden, which might make this scene easier to picture in your mind’s eye. I’m not familiar with the actress who plays Sophie; just imagine her as a kitten in a wig.

CRAIG: As an overweight actor, I am contractually obliged to begin every scene by discussing food.

SOPHIE: I can’t help but notice that horrendous damp patch on your wall. Yuck.

CRAIG: Never mind that, I’ve just advertised for a lodger, it’s gonna be ace!

SOPHIE: Nasdavin acairn crisis antappata clure crisis cubbya llnighter.

VIEWERS: What?!

CRAIG: Okay. See you later. Also, I love you.

SOPHIE: Bye then! *leaves*

DOCTOR: (at door) Knock knock!

CRAIG: Who’s there?

DOCTOR: Doctor!

CRAIG: Doctor – oh, never mind.

CREDITS

Hallway

CRAIG: This whole scenario is mildly odd but, as you’re proffering a large bag of money, I guess you can stay.

DOCTOR: Excellent. My name is the Doctor, I kiss you! Let us proceed to your kitchen parlour, where I will make the craziest omelette ever witnessed.

Kitchen, downstairs flat

DOCTOR: Nice kitchen, shame about the deadly alien damp patch.

CRAIG: Yeah, it sucks. Also, sorry I don’t have much food in.

DOCTOR: Not to worry. With these eggs, pepper, cheese, ham and salad cream, I shall make us a feast fit for a lunatic.

CRAIG: Great. Where’s all your stuff, incidentally?

DOCTOR: It’s in a rapidly materialising and dematerialising time machine with a mardy, sort-of-widowed ginger girl.

CRAIG: Fair enough.

TARDIS interior

AMY: Wargh!

TARDIS: *goes nuts*

Living room, downstairs flat

CRAIG: Omelette love!

DOCTOR: I know.

CRAIG: You’re an oddball.

DOCTOR: I know. So, what’s the deal with your ladyfriend? I’ve no idea why I’m suddenly interested in relationships, but let’s roll with it.

CRAIG: Oh, she’s not my girlfriend, she’s just the woman for whom I hold a passionate secret love in the fiery pit of my soul. I shall never leave this flat until she is mine, all mine.

DOCTOR: How romantic! Right, I’m off to bed. Whatever you do, don’t touch that damp patch.

CRAIG: Sure thing!

The Doctor’s room, downstairs flat

The Doctor is wearing an earpiece that keeps him in contact with the TARDIS. Clever!

DOCTOR: Amy! How’s it going?

AMY: This is my week off, let’s just rattle through this scene so I can get back to CenterParcs.

DOCTOR: Excellent. So, basically, whatever alien being is hiding in the upstairs flat is playing merry havoc with the TARDIS, trapping you in an unending landing cycle that I can’t break without sending you careering into the eternal vortex of time and space.

AMY: Okay. So is there a reason you don’t just go up there and sort him out?

DOCTOR: The main reason is that we’re saving up our effects budget for next week. The other reason is that we’re only fifteen minutes into the episode and there’s still lots of comedy mileage in my pretending to be human for a while.

AMY: Great.

Street, night

A sobbing clubber is wandering home after a presumably crap night out. Or maybe a really good night out; I don’t really know what constitutes good clubbing. Oh no, here’s the intercom voice again, this time it sounds like a slightly younger man.

INTERCOM VOICE: Hello? Can you help me?

CLUBBER: *wanders towards house*

The Doctor’s room, downstairs flat

DOCTOR: So I’ve got to stay here and figure out what the hell is living in that flat before I can deal with it properly. To complicate matters, I can’t use any technology lest the CGI costs too much creature picks up on it and realises who I am. Thankfully I’ve switched this earpiece to scramble setting; to anyone that hears us, this will sound like gibberish.

Hall, downstairs flat

Craig is eavesdropping at the Doctor’s door.

DOCTOR’S VOICE: Badger giblet moomin, coaster!

CRAIG: ...

Doctor’s room

DOCTOR: Any tips on how I can pass as an ordinary human for the rest of the week?

AMY: Dunno. Play football? Certainly don’t go turning your laptop upside down to see if the text on that tube of styling gel is in any way a clue to what happens in this episode. Only crazy people would do that.

DOCTOR: It isn’t, by the way.

BEDSIDE CLOCK: *goes all whizzy*

DOCTOR: Interesting. A localised time loop. Whatever that alien’s up to, it’s screwing up time and the TARDIS simultaneously.

Upstairs flat

We see an extreme close up of the clubber’s face in a dark room. She is screaming.

Hall, downstairs flat, morning

Craig is waiting in the hallway while the Doctor hogs the shower. He is humming La Donna è Mobile, which to me seems quite amusing in the context, but it’s possible I’ve now spent three months of my life writing in detail about everything that happens on Doctor Who and have gone completely round the bend as a result. Anyway:

CRAIG: Hurry up!

DOCTOR: (through door) Sorry, won’t be a mo!

ALIEN UPSTAIRS: *crashes around*

CRAIG: What was that? I’m just going up to see if he’s alright.

DOCTOR: (through door) What?

Bathroom

DOCTOR: What was that? You’re going where? *staggers from shower and slips over*

Communal hallway

Craig climbs the stairs and knocks on the door of the upstairs flat. Oh no! The door opens on the chain, and we see the side of a man’s face and his white hair.

CRAIG: Is everything alright?

CREEPY GUY: Fine thank you. I don’t need your help. *slams door*

The Doctor comes racing out into the hall, dressed only in a towel, wielding an electric toothbrush instead of his sonic screwdriver. You never saw Sylvester McCoy do that.

DOCTOR: What’s going on?

VIEWERS: Nipples!

CRAIG: You total weirdo.

SOPHIE: *enters* Oh. Hello. By which I mean nipples.

DOCTOR: Hello. You must be Sophie. Let us kiss like sophisticated Europeans!

SOPHIE: ...

Park, later that morning

The Doctor has been roped into playing football with Craig’s mates. As they walk towards the pitch, Craig begs the Doctor to tell him his real name, claiming that referring to him as ‘The Doctor’ is too weird. Ladies and gentlemen of the Ribble, here’s a great fact: in HMV Oxford Circus works a man they genuinely call The Doctor. He has an encyclopaedic knowledge of almost every classical recording ever made and is brilliant in every way. Wow, digress much?

CRAIG: Alright guys, this is my new flatmate.

DOCTOR: Hello, I’m the Doctor, how nice to meet you. *air-kisses team captain*

TEAM CAPTAIN: Great, where are you strongest?

DOCTOR: Arms.

TEAM CAPTAIN: ...

So the Doctor turns out to be ace at football, which I can only imagine is a great disappointment to a generation of weedy boys who love Doctor Who and hated sports at school. Never mind. The Doctor ends the match a hero, Craig a bit put out by his incessant scene-stealing. Chatting after the match, the same few seconds of time start looping over and over, everyone but the Doctor trapped in the loop.

DOCTOR: Damn. I suppose it’s time to sort this all out.

Living room, downstairs flat

The Doctor has been invited to have an awkward drink with Craig and Sophie. As they chat, he works with a screwdriver, various plugs and a whole bunch of cables and wires.

DOCTOR: Sophie, tell me about yourself. Travel much?

SOPHIE: Nah. I’d like to move abroad and work with orangutans, but in a way it’s easier just to stay here with Craig who I love like cake.

DOCTOR: Fair enough. I suppose, like many people, BLARGHWINEISBAD working in a call centre is realistically all you can aspire to.

SOPHIE: Bitch.

Communal hallway

Craig and Sophie have an awkward goodnight in the hallway. On the wall behind them hangs a really weird and hypnotic portrait; it’s like the balding bastard child of Nick Cave and Stan Laurel. Bewilderingly, it has nothing further to do with the episode.

CRAIG: So, I suppose you probably should go off and work with orangutans, if that’s what you want to do.

PORTRAIT: *stares*

SOPHIE: Yeah, I suppose I should. See you later, then.

CRAIG: Okay, bye.

PORTRAIT: *stares more*

Doctor’s room, night

The Doctor has rigged up some kind of giant spinning gadget on his bed. It’s made out of a spinning clothes line, a zimmer frame, a rake and various other random junk. The gadget apparently helps him keep tabs on upstairs, and he relays his findings to Amy. Has Amy even slept in the several days that this episode spans?

DOCTOR: I can’t detect any alien technology, it’s all just too normal. I need to have a peek inside.

AMY: Just go upstairs, you loon!

DOCTOR: No way, he could blow the bow tie right off my skinny neck. Amy, have a look on the TARDIS interwebs and get me the plans for this building! Meanwhile, I shall recruit a cat as a spy.

Craig’s room, morning

The Doctor has cooked Craig breakfast in bed! How considerate. Craig’s looking terrible, though; all sweaty and pale.

DOCTOR: Craig! You touched the damp patch, didn’t you?

CRAIG: I didn’t not touch it.

DOCTOR: You utter moron. Go back to sleep, I’ll sort this out.

The Doctor makes him drink tea directly from the teapot. Pretty cute. Craig passes out and wakes up hours later, late for work and in a panic.

Call centre

Craig bursts into the office and starts to explain his lateness to his boss.

CRAIG: I’m so sorry, I got damp patch poisoning and went all sweaty and then Patrick Stewart hated me –

BOSS: That’s quite alright, the Doctor covered for you, see?

DOCTOR: Hello! I am wearing a headset!

CRAIG: ...

SOPHIE: Here, Doctor, I’ve brought you a biscuit.

DOCTOR: Working in a call centre is ace.

CRAIG: This is actual madness.

SOPHIE: Oh, hi Craig. Listen, I’ve got a job in an orangutan factory, d’you think I should go?

CRAIG: What? Yeah, whatever. Doctor, take off that headset, you’re Single White Female-ing me out of a job!

DOCTOR: Nonsense, go back to bed and I’ll pick us up a nice puppy on the way home.

Downstairs flat

Craig has broken in to the Doctor’s room and seen his crazy spinning gadget. Hearing the Doctor arriving home from the call centre, he peeks into the hallway to see him conversing with the spy-cat.

DOCTOR: (to cat) Have you been upstairs?

CAT: Meow

DOCTOR: (to cat) Excellent. And what are your findings?

CAT: Mrrrp purrrr

DOCTOR: *looks up* Ah, hello Craig!

CRAIG: You are the worst flatmate ever. I want to you leave immediately.

DOCTOR: What? But I’ve been doing my very best human-ing!

Doctor’s room

CRAIG: WTF is this? *gestures at gadget*

DOCTOR: Art?

CRAIG: Get out.

DOCTOR: Okay, I can see this is all going pear-shaped, so allow me to transfer a large montage of images from my life via the medium of headbutt. *headbutts craig*

CRAIG: Input! You’re a Time Lord! And you saw a note that Amy hasn’t yet written in the window of the newsagents!

DOCTOR: Yes, that part is kind of weird. Also, don’t most people sign their own names in a slightly less clinical way?

Communal hallway

Sophie lets herself in. There’s a little girl at the top of the stairs. This can’t end well.

GIRL: Please can you help me?

SOPHIE I don’t see why not.

PORTRAIT: *stares*

Doctor’s room

DOCTOR: Amy, have you got those plans yet? I’ve figured out that the alien upstairs has some kind of TARDIS-like time engine and is trying to launch it using innocent victims somehow. When they explode, they create that unpleasant stain on Craig’s ceiling, you see?

AMY: Good news: I’ve got the plans. Bad news: There is no upstairs to your building.

CRAIG:

Communal hallway

Craig and the Doctor race upstairs and throw open the door to the flat. Beyond the door lies a huge room with a control panel in the middle, a little bit like the TARDIS.

DOCTOR: The time engine isn’t in the flat, the time engine is the flat. Craig, you idiot, why didn’t you notice?

Time engine interior

Sophie is screaming; her hand is being involuntarily drawn towards the control panel of the time engine. She briefly makes contact, but the Doctor zaps it with his sonic screwdriver and Craig pulls her away. Exciting!

DOCTOR: What the narwhal is going on here? Is this a crashed ship?

HOLOGRAM: *appears*

DOCTOR: Aha, it is a crashed ship! What is the nature of your emergency?

VOYAGER FANS: LOL!

HOLOGRAM: The crew are dead. We need a pilot.

DOCTOR: So you’ve been bringing people up here and trying to make them telepathically fly a time travelling ship that is sure to melt human brains within seconds?

HOLOGRAM: That’s the size of it, yeah. Good news, though, the correct pilot has now been found!

The Doctor is zapped with a beam that draws his hand irresistibly to the control panel. He struggles against it using the mighty power of mime.

DOCTOR: No, you don’t understand! My brain is so powerful that if I even attempt to fly this ship it’ll destroy the whole solar system!

ME: I love this show.

DOCTOR: Craig, the reason he didn’t want you is that you have no desire to leave. Put your hand on the panel and concentrate on what’s keeping you here!

CRAIG: What? I’m not sure that plan makes any logical sense.

DOCTOR: Do it!

CRAIG: *sticks his hand on the control panel*

DOCTOR: *is released* Craig, concentrate! What’s keeping you here?

CRAIG: ArghSOPHIE!

CRAIG and SOPHIE: *kiss*

TIME ENGINE: *shuts down*

CHOIR: Ooooo-ooooo-ooooooOOOOH!

DOCTOR: That’s enough, let’s everybody run like the clappers.

The gang run from the flat into the street, just in time to see the upper floor of the house resume its true spaceship form and zip out of existence. Phew.

Living room, downstairs flat

Craig and Sophie are snogging noisily on the sofa. Get a room, guys, this is a family show. The Doctor tries to sneak off without them noticing.

CRAIG: Doctor, wait! Please take this set of house keys as a gesture of our appreciation.

DOCTOR: Thanks. I’ll be off, then.

CRAIG: Bye!

DOCTOR: Aren’t you at all interested in seeing my alien time machine?

CRAIG: Apparently not.

DOCTOR: Okay. Bye! *leaves*

The camera pans past Craig and Sophie, over the fridge where there’s a photo of the Doctor playing football and – O HAI – a flyer for a van Gogh exhibition, and look! Behind the fridge, what’s that? You know exactly what it is. A crack in the wall. Oooh! But wait, the episode’s not over yet:

TARDIS interior

DOCTOR: Amy, we need to go back in time a bit so you can leave that note telling me to rent the room in Craig’s flat.

AMY: Wilco. It’s great having a real live person to interact with again. D’you have a pen?

DOCTOR: Probably. Rummage about in my blazer while I wander off and do something important. *leaves*

AMY: *rummages*

AMY’S ENGAGEMENT RING: Hi there! Remember me at all?

AMY: *is weirded out*

DISCORDANT SYNTHESIZER OF DOOM: *plinky-plonks*

CRACK IN TARDIS WALL: *is enormous*

Credits

My Verdict:
★★★
Lots of funny lines, and it’s great to see this Doctor trying to fit in. The last couple of Doctors have just seemed like slightly eccentric brainy blokes, but this one is properly alien. Worth watching if only for the spectacle of the Doctor spitting out his wine in disgust. My only issue is that the conclusion to the story was a bit rushed and short on explanation; what was that TARDIS-like ship? Where did it come from? Couldn’t the Doctor have helped? Can’t wait for next week!

My Dad’s Verdict:
★★★
I'm so ancient that I saw the first ever episode of Doctor Who, but I haven't watched it for donkey's years. This episode was quite amusing, largely because of the ever excellent James Corden, who plays ordinary people so easily. Matt Smith is equally convincing as an alien, with that white face of his. Craig fancies Sophie, a nice human subplot to contrast with the supernatural goings on of the main story. The best bit was the football match though, both Smith and Corden having some ability and background in the game, a nice topical touch.

Did you enjoy the episode? Do you have a good egg-related recipe? Let me know in the comments below!

You can follow me on Twitter for a weekly Whocap heads-up.

Contains spoilers for the new series of Doctor Who

Previously on Doctor Who:
Amy’s boyfriend Rory was shot dead by a lizard-woman then wiped from history by a giant crack in the universe. No one remembers him except the Doctor. Harsh! Click to catch up with episodes 9, 8, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1. I’m saving episode 7 for the End Times, when I shall exchange it for fresh water and protection from our cockroach overlords.

Musée d'Orsay, present day

Amy and the Doctor are hanging out at the Vincent van Gogh exhibit. Look, Amy’s standing up straight and showing an active interest in her surroundings! I’ve got a good feeling about this episode. Or perhaps it’s just indigestion.

AMY: This is fun. And look, the gallery guide is Bill Nighy.

BILL NIGHY: I always. Speak. A bit. Oddly.

DOCTOR: Excellent. I can’t help bit notice, though, that if you look carefully at The Church at Auvers, you will see that the artist has painted an evil alien face in the church window.

BBC PROPS DEPT: Thangyew!

AMY: Wow! Has this puzzled art historians for years?

DOCTOR: Nope. Excuse me, Bill, but can you tell us exactly when this was painted?

BILL NIGHY: I can relay this. Information. With alarming accuracy.

DOCTOR: To the TARDIS!

CREDITS

Provence, 1890

The Doctor and Amy wander the dark alleyways of Arles in search of Vincent van Gogh. Good plan.

DOCTOR: Look out for a café terrace, as popularised in the painting Café Terrace at Night.

AMY: There it is.

They are indeed standing outside the café from the painting, where waitresses are clearing glasses and the proprietor is throwing a drunken Vincent van Gogh into the street. This might be my favourite episode ever.

VINCENT: Can I have another drink?

PROPRIETOR: Do you have any money?

VINCENT: If by ‘money’ you mean ‘a genre-defining self-portrait’, then yes!

PROPRIETOR: Get out.

AMY: Hello there, may I buy you some wine?

DADS EVERYWHERE: Yes please.

Café interior

VINCENT: Are you Scottish?

AMY: Yes, but I haven’t mentioned it in at least three episodes.

DOCTOR: So Vincent, got any church paintings on the go? Got any planned?

VINCENT: I did think of painting this one church as a kind of reaction to my failed attempt at becoming a clergyman. But then I didn’t bother.

DOCTOR: Interesting.

A bloodcurdling scream comes from outside. Everyone rushes to see what’s happened, except Vincent, who finishes his drink and then follows behind. What a guy.

Alleyway

A girl lies dead. Alarmed peasant-folk cluster around her body while her mother shrieks in horror.

MOTHER: This is your fault, you insane Dutch genius! Your daring post-impressionist ways have brought death upon us all, death I say!

EVERYONE: *throws stones at Vincent*

Amy, Vincent and the Doctor escape the angry mob. They make their way to Vincent’s house where the Doctor decides they will stay the night. Why don’t they sleep in the TARDIS? It’s like the ultimate motorhome.

Vincent’s house

Vincent’s little house is filled with his paintings and lots of furniture that sad art geeks like me will enjoy.

AMY and DOCTOR: *boggle at masterpieces*

VINCENT: Yeah, sorry about the mess. I’ll have a clear out tomorrow, maybe get some of those IKEA units. *sploshes coffee over paintings* Allow me to hold forth on my artistic views for a while.

DOCTOR: Hang on, where’s Amy got to?

AMY: (offscreen) Aaaaargh!

Courtyard, night

The Doctor and Vincent rush out to find Amy has fallen over. Oh Amy, you’re like Bambi in a scarf.

DOCTOR: What happened to you?

AMY: I was just looking at these paintings when I was mysteriously attacked.

DOCTOR: There’s nothing here now, though.

VINCENT: Wargh! *wields pitchfork*

DOCTOR: Oh dear. Vincent? I can only assume that you’re having one of those psychotic episodes you are renowned for. Why don’t we all just relax and I’ll fix you a Horlicks.

INVISIBLE MONSTER: *tailslaps doctor*

DOCTOR: Ouch.

VINCENT: Can you see him?

DOCTOR: No. But for maximum comic effect, I shall help you fight him anyway. *flails*

VINCENT: *stabs*

INVISI-MONSTER: *roars*

CRAP SCARECROW: *falls over*

VINCENT: Okay, it’s gone.

DOCTOR: *flails*

Vincent’s house

DOCTOR: What was that thing?

VINCENT: I shall draw it for you.

Vincent sketches a hideous bird-like creature in charcoal. As Doctor Who monsters go, it’s pretty cute.

DOCTOR: Right. You two stay here, I am taking this drawing for some expert analysis in the TARDIS. *leaves*

AMY: So, is there just the one bed or what?

TARDIS interior

The Doctor rummages in the TARDIS and unearths a bizarre steampunky gadget with a mirror protruding from it. It’s ages since we had a noteworthy gadget! I liked the one that turned David Tennant into a strict schoolmaster. Cough. Moving on.

DOCTOR: *looks in gadget mirror*

GADGET: WILLIAM HARTNELL

DOCTOR: Correct.

GADGET: PATRICK TROUGHTON

DOCTOR: Good. But who’s this? *holds up monster sketch*

GADGET: PARROT

DOCTOR: Nope.

GADGET: POLAR BEAR

DOCTOR: No. Impressionists are RUBBISH.

ART GEEKS: LOL!

Alley, night

The Doctor ambles back towards Vincent’s place, the gadget strapped to his chest. The invisi-monster appears behind him, reflected in the mirror as the Doctor fiddles with the straps and wires.

GADGET: KRAFAYIS

DOCTOR: Excellent. We’ll get this cleared up in no time.

INVISI-MONSTER: (in mirror) Rrrrraaaaaagh.

DOCTOR: Argh! *runs away*

The Doctor hides behind a pillar and the invisi-monster stumbles past, apparently smashing through a brick archway and crashing off into town. Aaand here’s Amy. She bitches about Vincent van Gogh’s snoring and rolls her eyes. Welcome back, Amy.

Vincent’s house, morning

Vincent’s bedroom is the Bedroom at Arles, complete with wonky forced perspective and everything. This makes me want to weep and pay my licence fee ten times over. Vincent is asleep when the Doctor bursts in.

DOCTOR: Wake up! Amy’s prepared a charming scene in the courtyard.

Courtyard, bright sunlight

Amy has filled the courtyard with sunflowers and served breakfast on a tray. That baguette looks delicious.

AMY: I dunno. Maybe you could paint these or something.

VINCENT: Yeah. Maybe.

RICHARD CURTIS: See what I did there? Huh? Did you? Hm?

DOCTOR: Never mind that. Check out these pics my gadget somehow printed out just now. Is this the monster we fought last night?

VINCENT: That’s him!

DOCTOR: Interesting. These creatures are scavenging aliens; apparently this one’s been left behind by his pack and is pretty pissed off about it. Usually a Krafayis is lethally unbeatable because no one can see it.

VINCENT: But I can?

DOCTOR: Yes. But let’s not worry about the ins-and-outs of that – we’ve got to get to that church! If you turn up to paint it, the monster will be there, we’ll get rid of it, then Amy and I can leave.

VINCENT: Oh. Okay, I’ll just get my stuff.

Vincent’s bedroom

Vincent is sobbing on his bed. Poor Vincent!

DOCTOR: Vincent? Come along, monsters to kill, etc.

VINCENT: Screw you. When all this is over, you’ll get to fly off in the TARDIS and have lots of exciting adventures while I’ll be left here to go mad, shoot myself in the chest and die a slow, agonising death before my self-mutilation becomes a lazy journalistic shorthand for mental illness in the creative professions.

DOCTOR: Still... remember that baguette?

VINCENT: You’re right, I feel better now. Let’s go!

Country road

Is it just me or are Arles and Auvers quite far away from each other? This is going to be a hell of a walk. Anyway, Amy and Vincent chat while the Doctor trails behind.

AMY: Sorry you’re suicidally depressed.

VINCENT: That’s okay. Sorry your boyfriend’s dead.

AMY: What?

DOCTOR: Nothing. Look, there’s the church!

Church at Auvers, day

DOCTOR: Right, Vincent. You paint your picture and tell us if any monsters turn up. In the meantime, I shall regale everyone with hilarious stories of other famous artists I have met.

VINCENT: Right-o.

VIEWERS: But... this isn’t the church from the painting.

Church at Auvers, night

DOCTOR: I am unutterably bored.

AMY: For once, I am not. Revel in it.

VINCENT: There, he’s at the window!

DOCTOR: I’m going in. On no account follow me.

AMY and VINCENT: *follow him*

Church interior

The Doctor creeps around, looking for the invisi-monster in his gadget mirror. The monster comes out of nowhere and smashes the gadget. Oh no! Amy catches up with the Doctor and there’s lots more running and hiding and smashing of things. It’s all terribly exciting. Honest.

DOCTOR: We are almost certainly about to die.

AMY: ...

INVISI-MONSTER: Roooooaaaarrrrrr!

VINCENT: See here, monster, I am going to chair you good and proper! *wields chair like a lion tamer*

INVISI-MONSTER: *attacks*

VINCENT: You two get out of the way, I’ll fend him off!

There follows a crazy amount of running around and fighting an invisible and yet parrot-like monster. I know. Finally, Vincent chucks his chair away in favour of his spike-legged easel.

DOCTOR: What’s it doing now?

VINCENT: He’s feeling his way around the edges of the room. Like he’s trapped.

AMY: That’s not very monsterish.

DOCTOR: Gah, it’s blind! That’s why the rest of the pack abandoned it.

INVISI-MONSTER: *charges*

VINCENT: *easel-stabs monster in chest*

INVISI-MONSTER: *cries*

DOCTOR: Poor monster. He was so misunderstood.

INVISI-MONSTER: *dies*

VINCENT: This is kind of a downer. Let us leave here and lie beneath the stars, where I will bewitch you with my lovely animation.

Olive grove, night

Amy, the Doctor and Vincent lie beneath the stars, holding hands. The night sky slowly dissolves into an animated version of The Starry Night. Sob.

VINCENT: Look at the stars! Aren’t they gorgeous?

EVERYONE: Yep!

VINCENT: I’ll miss you terribly.

VIEWERS: And we’ll miss you!

Vincent’s house, morning

VINCENT: Please take this priceless masterpiece as a token of my gratitude.

DOCTOR: Best not.

AMY: Bye then! Please don’t kill yourself.

VINCENT: Hey, if you ever get tired of the Doctor, come hitch yourself to this crazy wagon!

AMY: Um, thanks!

DOCTOR: Actually... Vincent? Would you like to visit a gallery with us?

Musée d'Orsay, present day

Vincent, the Doctor and Amy step out of the TARDIS. Vincent is pleasantly unruffled by time travel.

DOCTOR: Okay, this is the Musée d'Orsay, home of the world’s greatest artworks.

VINCENT: Excellent. I do like art.

They lead Vincent to the van Gogh exhibit, filled with people admiring his paintings. He stands unnoticed in his shabby suit, clutching his hat, quite overwhelmed. Sorry, I’ve just got something in my eye.

DOCTOR: Bill Nighy, in case anyone has managed not to cry yet, could you please fill us in on Vincent van Gogh’s posthumous glory?

BILL NIGHY: Why yes. To me, van Gogh is. The finest. Painter in the history of art.

VINCENT: *cries*

VIEWERS: *cry*

BILL NIGHY: *is bewildered*

Provence, 1890

The Doctor and Amy drop Vincent off in a field.

VINCENT: I feel great, I’m going to paint my ass off and no mistake! *strides away*

AMY: Hooray, he definitely won’t top himself now!

Musee d’Orsay, present day

BILL NIGHY: Yeah, sorry, he did.

AMY:

DOCTOR: Arse. But look, the monster is gone from the church painting.

AMY: And the sunflowers painting is dedicated to me.

CREDITS

My Verdict:
★★★★★
Okay, I’m a little bit biased, but this is one of my favourite episodes ever. Art, aliens, time travel and suicide on a Saturday night family show. I love you, Doctor Who. If you haven’t watched the new series yet, do give this one a go; I’ve even left out the best jokes so you can enjoy them unspoiled!

The Boy’s Verdict:
★★★★
Having praised this series for departing from the Monster of the Week™ formula that so dogged previous series, it was actually lovely, as a bit of variety, to have a Monster of the Week™ this episode. It got a bit weird and schlocky at the end with Curtis’s Love Actually-style voice-over malarkey, but I didn’t mind even that; it’s possible in any case that the Doctor’s uncharacteristic moving of van Gogh into the future was just him again trying to cheer Amy up, out of guilt. Screw the buggered chronology of van Gogh’s paintings, and the sanitised version of his madness, having another historical figure – after the early appearance by Churchill – was awesome. More, please. (I may also be biased, but for a different reason; the actor who played van Gogh looked like an old colleague of mine, the dapper and wonderfully batty James Ellerbeck, of whom I often think.)

Did you enjoy the episode? Do you want to spend your days going quietly mad in a Provençal cottage? Let me know in the comments below!

You can follow me on Twitter for a weekly Whocap heads-up.

Contains spoilers for the current series of Doctor Who

Previously on Doctor Who:
Amy was captured by the Silurians, a subterranean lizard race, along with postie-turned-miner Mo and his son Elliot. Clickety-click to catch up with episodes 8, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1. Episode 7 has gone to the great TARDIS in the sky.

Earth, viewed from space. Pretty!

ELDANE: (voice over) Once we mighty Silurians ruled the Earth, then those damned dirty apes took over and we had to Womble it up underground for a few thousand years. I’ll be honest, we’re not thrilled about it. Anyway, mustn’t grumble. Tea?

Silurian City, deep underground

DOCTOR: This city is both massive and deserted. How odd.

MEERA SYAL: And this narrow, lava-spanning walkway is a health and safety nightmare. Have you done a risk assessment on this adventure?

DOCTOR: C’mon, we’ve got to find Amy! And all those other characters that no one gives a monkey’s about. Hah! Monkeys! Apes! I thank you.

ALARM: INTRUDER! INTRUDER! INTRUDER!

DOCTOR: I didn’t really think this through.

SILURIAN SOLDIERS: *appear*

DOCTOR: Wait! We’re not armed–

SILURIAN SOLDIERS: *release gas from weapons*

DOCTOR and MEERA SYAL: *collapse*

Silurian laboratory

Amy is strapped to an upright table. Mo is strapped to the table next to her. Silurian scientist Malohkeh approaches Amy, wielding a scary medical-looking tool.

AMY: Get away from me, you scaly-faced freak!

MALOHKEH: Commencing dissection. *presses remote control to lock Amy’s hands in place*

AMY: Argh!

INTERCOM: Dr Malohkeh? Please report to Area 17 immediately.

MALOHKEH: *leaves*

AMY: Check it out, I am an l33t pickpocket! *uses remote control to release herself and Mo*

MO: You are feisty! Also, nice boots.

Creepy underground corridor

MO: So d’you think they’re aliens? I guess it could just be a skin condition or something. I use E45 most nights –

AMY: Shut it, Mo, we’ve got to find a way out of here. Hey, what’s through this window?

ELLIOT: *is wired up to alien technology*

MO: My boy! Elliot! He’s a frickin’ vegetable!

AMY: I’m sure he’s fine. Let’s go.

MO: We’ll come back for him, though?

AMY: Whatever.

Village graveyard, day

Ambrose is hanging out by her aunt’s grave, clutching Elliot’s headphones and looking sorry for herself. Buck up, Ambrose. Oh, here’s Rory. Hi Rory!

AMBROSE: So you’re not the police, then?

RORY: No. Sorry about that. Look, we have to take turns guarding Alaya until the Doctor persuades the Silurians to swap her for your family.

AMBROSE: This is my murderous look.

Silurian laboratory

The Doctor is strapped to one of the crazy dissection tables, screaming as beams of light pass over his body. Silurian military commander Restac is chewing out Malohkeh for letting Amy and Mo escape.

DOCTOR: Waaaaarghrghghghgijsf!

RESTAC: How could they escape? How could she even run in those shorts? You should’ve put them under my guard. The prisoners, I mean, not the shorts.

MALOHKEH: Look, I’m in charge of sexy human prisoners, you’re in charge of guns that look a bit like hairdryers with diffuser attachments. That’s just the way it is. Now stand back, I’m about to pull some badass moves on this dude’s physiology. *turns a dial*

DOCTOR: Nooooarghwtf!

Church dungeon
Alaya is still chained to the wall, apparently enjoying the sunlight from the high window. Tony enters, looking a bit pale.

ALAYA: I thought you’d be dead by now. I gave you a damn good licking last episode and now you’re full of my delicious venom.

TONY: Oh bloody hell. You know, if you cured me, I’d help you escape.

VIEWERS: Judas!

ALAYA: You fool. Our deaths will ignite a glorious lizard-ape war!

Silurian laboratory

DOCTOR: Waaaaaaargh!

MALOHKEH: Yes, yes, stop being such a drama queen. I’m only neutralising your ape bacteria.

DOCTOR: Arrrrghhnotanape! Check your scans!

MALOHKEH: *checks scanner display*

DOCTOR’S SKELLINGTON: *is adorable*

MALOHKEH: Oops! *halts decontamination process*

DOCTOR: Phew. Not got any celery, have you?

WHOGEEKS: LOL!

MEERA SYAL: *awakes* Oh. Lizard men.

MALOHKEH: Your drill was attacking our oxygen pockets, you halfwit primates.

DOCTOR: Right, I can see why that would be annoying. Anyway, we’re here to rescue Amy and the others – howsabout swapping them for the lovely Alaya?

RESTAC: Or I could execute you.

DOCTOR: That is certainly another option.

Creepy underground chamber

Amy and Mo are creeping around. They encounter a pair of Silurian solders, frozen in suspended animation.

MO: Run away!

AMY: Wait! Look at these panels they’re standing on. They must be transport platforms; it’s how they get up to the surface!

MO: Wow. Those are some big cognitive leaps.

AMY: Let’s steal their weapons, find the Doctor and liberate Elliot.

Amy and Mo run to the end of the corridor, which turns into a balcony overlooking a huge cavern, filled with ranks of soldiers in suspended animation.

MO: This kind of sucks.

Church kitchen

Tony raids the First Aid box, swigging down pills in the vain hope of clearing up his vein-y problem. Better subs than I would make that sentence funny. Enter Ambrose.

AMBROSE: Hey dad, are you alright?

TONY: Never better! *staggers*

AMBROSE: Let me see.

Ambrose pulls aside his shirt collar and sees a mass of thick green veins growing over his shoulder and chest.

AMBROSE: Christ on a cracker! *gags* I mean, I’m sure it’s going to be fine. I’ll get you a Nurofen.

TONY: ...

Silurian City

The Doctor and Meera Syal are marched along a walkway by Silurian soldiers.

MEERA SYAL: So why are most of the Silurians in hibernation?

DOCTOR: They thought the world was coming to an end, but it was just the moon or an eclipse or something. These ones that are awake are just protecting the city.

WHOCAP READERS: That was lame.

ME: Sorry. I wasn’t really paying attention.

Church dungeon

AMBROSE: I know what you did to my dad. If you don’t fix him, I’m going to Tase you into next week.

ALAYA: I’ll never help you.

AMBROSE: *zaps alaya with taser*

ALAYA: *frazzles*

Church... living room? What sort of a church is this?

Rory is tending to Tony’s neck wound. They hear a piercing scream from the dungeon. Oh dear.

Church dungeon

Alaya is writhing and screaming on the ground, Ambrose is standing over her, still clutching the Taser. Rory and Tony run in.

TONY: You stupeed womahn!

RORY: Alaya, how can we help you?

ALAYA: *dies*

EVERYONE: *is horrified*

Silurian courtroom

The Doctor and Meera Syal are led into the court by Restac, Malohkeh and some Silurian soldiers.

DOCTOR: Well, this is nice.

RESTAC: We’re totally going to execute you.

AMY: *bursts in* Stop right there! Or someone’s going to get magnificently frizz-free curls!

MO: I’m here too!

RESTAC: *shoves amy to the ground and grabs her weapon*

MO: *instantly surrenders*

MEERA SYAL: Brilliant.

MALOHKEH: Why don’t we all calm down?

RESTAC: Shove off, Malohkeh, this is military business.

MALOHKEH: Fine! I’m telling on you.

The soldiers chain everyone to a couple of pillars, then the Doctor fills Amy in on WTF is going on. The soldiers take aim, but hold their fire while Restac contacts the human world above.

Church basement

Rory, Tony and Ambrose are freaking out, staring at Alaya’s body and wondering what to do. Suddenly, a computer monitor in a box flickers to life. Restac’s face magically appears on the screen. How awkward.

RESTAC: Who speaks for the apes?

AMBROSE: *flings blanket over alaya*

RORY: Hi there! How are things?

RESTAC: Show me Alaya.

RORY: Um, she’s... in the bath. Outside. She’s outside in the bath.

RESTAC: Enough! Execute the be-shorted woman!

RORY: No!

COMPUTER SCREEN: *cuts to static*

Silurian courtroom

RESTAC: Fire!

ELDANE: Stop this at once! Haven’t I told you to play nicely or not at all? There’ll be no pudding for you tonight, Restac.

RESTAC: But the apes were attacking us with a big drill!

ELDANE: Indeed! You should know better than the apes, they’re only little. Unchain them now, and say sorry.

RESTAC: You’re so unfair! *storms off*

Church dungeon

Computer fizzes to life once more. Rory, Ambrose and Tony cluster round, relieved to see Amy still alive.

DOCTOR: (on screen) Get down here, it’s ace! Bring Alaya and we’ll have this whole ‘end of the human race’ thing sorted out in no time.

EVERYONE: *looks guilty*

Silurian courtroom

DOCTOR: Right. I suggest Eldane negotiates a peace deal with Amy and Meera Syal.

MO: And me?

DOCTOR: No. And remember, ladies, this is not a fixed point in time. Anything can happen; peace, war, dogs and cats living together, rivers of Ovaltine, whatever. Have fun! Right, I’m off to get Elliot. Come on, Mo.

Silurian courtroom

Eldane, Amy and Meera Syal are around a table, discussing a way that the Silurians and humans could share the Earth’s surface.

ELDANE: (voice over) As I sat there that day with the humans, the future of both species and our beloved planet resting in our hands, I couldn’t help but notice that Amy kept rolling her eyes and banging her head on the table. How rude.

MEERA SYAL: Okay, I’m starting to think this whole planet-sharing thing could work out.

DOCTOR: Bravo! And look, I’ve rescued Elliot.

ELDANE: And what’s that I hear? The surface transporter has returned! Let’s get our various hostages exchanged and we’ll all be home in time for tea and crumpets. Huzzah!

Corridor of sleepy Silurians

Restac is waking up her troops. Malohkeh stumbles across them. Cheese it, Malohkeh!

MALOHKEH: You can’t do this!

RESTAC: I totally can. *shoots malohkeh*

Silurian courtroom

DOCTOR: Ah, here they are!

RORY and AMBROSE: *enter sheepishly*

ELLIOT: Hooray!

TONY: *enters, carrying alaya’s body*

DOCTOR: Arse. Also, couldn’t you’ve found a nicer blanket? This orange crochet can only make matters worse.

Restac enters with loads of soldiers, all packing weapons.

RESTAC: My sister? *throws back blanket*

ALAYA: *is dead*

RESTAC:

ELDANE: We are very cross with you, human. No pudding for you either.

AMBROSE: Screw pudding! Tony and I have rigged up the drill to start burrowing again in fifteen minutes! Your precious oxygen pockets will be destoyed forever!

RESTAC: We are so going to KILL YOU DEAD!

DOCTOR: Everyone run back to the lab!

EVERYONE: *runs*

SOLDIERS: *fire*

Silurian lab

Amy, Rory, Tony, Ambrose, Elliot, Meera Syal and Eldane escape into the lab while the Doctor disarms the pursuing guards with his sonic screwdriver. Well, that’s a useful function, Doctor. He follows the gang into the lab and locks the door behind them.

DOCTOR: Right, let’s get us out of here.

TONY: Doctor, I am dying of the licky-vein!

DOCTOR: You’re actually mutating. Have you seen District 9 at all? Anyway, I’ll get Eldane to run the decontamination machine over you, that might help.

ELDANE: Fair enough.

MO: We’re surrounded!

DOCTOR: Okay, I’m going to send an energy pulse up through the earth to blow up the drill. Before that, we have to get past the Restac’s troops and escape in the TARDIS. Ideas?

ELDANE: Um, we do have this emergency fumigation thing. We generally just use it for badgers, but it makes everyone scuttle back to their sleepy cells.

DOCTOR: Do it. Time the suspended animation for one thousand years. By the time the Silurians wake, humankind will be ready to share the planet. Everyone ready to run like the clappers?

ELDANE: But what about Tony? We haven’t decontaminated him yet.

TONY: Ah, just go. I’ll stay here with the Silurians.

AMBROSE: This is all my fault.

EVERYONE: Yep.

ALARM: TOXIC FUMIGATION COMMENCING

SOLDIERS: *run to sleepy cells*

DOCTOR: Let’s roll! You’re looking for a blue box!

MEERA SYAL: I think I’ll stay here with Tony.

EVERYONE: What? Okay. *runs*

ELDANE: Drive safe!

TARDIS exterior

Ambrose, Mo and Elliot run into the TARDIS, with the Doctor, Amy and Rory close behind.

DOCTOR: Right, everybody in!

AMY: Doctor, look! It’s another one of those mad time-sucking cracks.

CRACK: *smokes eerily*

DOCTOR: Right. I’m going to stick my arm in it.

RORY: You can’t!

DOCTOR: *sticks his handkerchief-covered hand in and pulls out an object*

RESTAC: *crawls towards them*

RORY: Doctor, look out!

RESTAC: *shoots*

RORY: *is zapped in chest*

AMY: Rory!

RORY: Argh! But... last episode we saw us both on the hill. I don’t die here?

AMY: You’ll be fine.

RORY: *dies*

AMY: Doctor, help him!

VIEWERS: You’ve picked a fine time to start giving a crap.

DOCTOR: Sorry, but we’ve got to go before the time-suck crack pulls us out of existence.

TARDIS interior

The Doctor pulls a hysterical Amy into the TARDIS and locks the door. Dramatic!

AMY: Doctor stoppit!

DOCTOR: I can’t! The only place that Rory survives now is in your memory. Remember Rory! Remember the glorious gilet!

We see Amy’s memories of Rory, including the excellent time he professed to be a gondola driver. Although frankly if my husband’s life flashed before my eyes, I like to think I’d remember more than him falling over and telling me off. Oh well. The TARDIS lands, knocking Amy and the Doctor to the ground. When they recover, Rory is gone from Amy’s memory, although possibly not the Doctor’s.

AMY: So what were we talking about?

DOCTOR: Hey, let’s go outside and watch the drill explode.

AMY’S ENGAGEMENT RING: Hi guys!

DOCTOR: Shh.

TARDIS exterior

The Doctor, Amy, Mo, Ambrose and Elliot exit the TARDIS to find themselves at the top of a hill overlooking the mine. The drill explodes. Woo! Mo and his family wander off in the direction of home, while Amy spots a future version of herself in the distance.

AMY: Look, there’s me again. Helloo! Nice boots! Right, let’s go.

DOCTOR: Good idea. You go ahead and put the kettle on – apparently we have one of those – I’m just going to do some TARDIS repairs out here for a sec.

Once Amy is gone, the Doctor unwraps his handkerchief to reveal the object he pulled from the time-suck crack earlier. It’s... a broken bit of TARDIS! Crikey.

CREDITS

My Verdict:
★★★★
This episode earns an extra star for the double-whammy of Rory’s unexpected death and the surprise TARDIS fragment at the end. Exciting stuff! While I’m disappointed that poor Rory bought the farm, it’s brought a dangerous edge to proceedings; we can usually rely on all the major players to make through a series intact, but not any more. Van Gogh special next week. Stand by for a tediously educational Whocap!

The Boy’s Verdict:
★★★
Felt a bit mid-season-ey, though the whole big crack (tee-hee!)/TARDIS thing bodes well for an epic end of series. The thing that struck me here, though, was that even stone cold sober – and if you’ve been following along, you’ll know that that’s an anomalous state for watching Doctor Who as far as I’m concerned – I find myself genuinely affected by some of lines in Smith-era Who. I know it sounds a bit silly, but like the occasional flash of brilliance and pathos in Star Trek, the prism through which Doctor Who looks at the world can produce some lovely images; the line about sharing the Earth at the end could have felt leaden and laboured, but it was written and delivered with grace.

Did you enjoy the episode? Do you want to join my Bring Back Rory (And Donna) leaflet campaign? Let me know in the comments below!

You can follow me on Twitter for a weekly Whocap heads-up.

Contains spoilers for the new series of Doctor Who

Previously on Doctor Who:
Amy invited Rory to join her and the Doctor in the TARDIS in a transparent attempt to postpone their impending marriage. In other news, the TARDIS is still wonky, there are cracks in the universe and the Doctor hates himself a bit. Get clicking to catch up with Whocaps for episodes 6, 5, 4, 3, 2 and 1. Episode 7 is currently The Lost Whocap; my cat ate it.

Some village, Wales, 2020

MINER WHO LOOKS CONFUSINGLY LIKE A POSTMAN: Hey kids, forget about those newfangled XCubes and Eye-Paddes; reading is cool!

AWESOME KID: Whatever. Aren’t you late for work?

MWLCLAP: You’re right. I’ll just hop on my bike to confuse the issue of my employment further.

Futuristic mine of doom

MEERA SYAL: Good news everyone, our amazing robotic drilling equipment has reached hitherto unknown depths!

EVERYONE: Yay!

TONY: Keep drilling. I can imagine no way in which this could all go horribly wrong.

Futuristic mine of doom, later that night

Mwlclap is on duty, eating his packed lunch and reading The Gruffalo. Everything starts to shake. Computer monitors reveal that the drill has stalled, so he goes to investigate.

MWLCLAP: What’s going on here?

HOLE IN GROUND: *smokes creepily*

MWLCAP: That’s weird. *sticks arm in hole*

HOLE IN GROUND: *swallows mwlclap*

GROOVY NEW CREDITS

Church graveyard

The TARDIS lands. The Doctor, Amy and Rory emerge looking confused.

DOCTOR: Welcome to – hang on, this isn’t Rio.

VIEWERS: Rio? Venice? What’s with the sexy destinations, Doctor? You’re like a Gallifreyan Judith Chalmers.

AMY: What? But I’m dressed for Rio!

RORY: And I’m wearing a suspiciously appropriate gilet.

DOCTOR: This graveyard has blue grass. And future-Amy-and-Rory are waving to us from that hill. Rio be damned, we’re staying here! Let’s go and look at that mining equipment.

AMY: *sulks*

RORY: You two go on, I’ve got to be a scene behind for plot reasons.

Futuristic mine of doom

TONY: I don’t understand, Meera Syal. I can’t find Mwlclap anywhere and the drill just won’t start. What d’you think is going on?

MEERA SYAL: *shrugs* Who cares? This is much more fun than Holby City.

Church graveyard

Rory locks the TARDIS and comes face-to-face with the awesome kid, Elliot, and his mother, Ambrose.

AMBROSE: Thank god you’re here! CID, is it?

ELLIOT: Your crime lab is a bit weird, though.

ME: Hooray! Someone mistakes the TARDIS for a police-related thing rather than just calling it a ‘blue box’.

RORY: ...

AMBROSE: So anyway, I was hoping to bury my dead uncle in the same plot as my dead aunt, but when we came to dig up the grave, it was totally empty.

Futuristic mine of doom

DOCTOR: Helloo! I’m a passing boffin and thought I’d break in to see what’s up in the world of mining. So what’s up?

MEERA SYAL: None of your freakin’ business, young man.

DOCTOR: I can’t help but notice that your computer readings are all screwy and that there’s a big hole in the floor.

TONY: Suggestions?

DOCTOR: I suggest we pack up all of this equipment and run like billy-o.

AMY: Doctor, is the hole supposed to smoke like this?

DOCTOR: It’s not ideal.

There’s lots of shaking and more holes open in the ground.

DOCTOR: Run! And stay away from the holes!

AMY: *falls into hole*

DOCTOR: Hold on, Amy!

AMY: *is swallowed*

DOCTOR:

VIEWERS: Rory’s going to slap you like a ripe melon.

Church graveyard

Rory is standing in a grave, still pretending to be a detective. What the hell, Rory? Just go back into the TARDIS and hide. Isn’t there a swimming pool in there? And you could try on the Doctor’s old outfits!

ELLIOT: So, what do you reckon to the empty grave?

RORY: Um. Moles?

ELLIOT: I reckon the graves eat people. No one’s coming in from above, so something must be getting in underneath.

RORY: Interesting theory. What are your plans for the next thirty minutes?

Futuristic mine of doom

TONY: So poor old Mwlclap got swallowed by the ground, just like your leggy assistant?

DOCTOR: Yup. It’s bioprogramming. Something underground wants you to stop drilling.

MEERA SYAL: I don’t understand.

DOCTOR: There’s more, but let’s just forget it and enjoy the lizard-monsters.

TONY: Agreed.

DOCTOR: Here’s they come. Cheese it!

Scrubby path of jazzy effects

The Doctor, Tony and Meera Syal run girlishly in the direction of the church. Overhead, bolts of scarlet electricity shoot across the sky. Oooh! The Doctor pulls a catapult from his trousers and shoots a pebble into the air. This is not a euphemism.

DOCTOR: We’re trapped under an energy barricade generated by an unknown underground source.

RORY: *appears* Plus, the graves are eating people.

DOCTOR: Also, Amy got swallowed by the ground and might be dead, but never mind that! We’ve got to get inside the church before the Silurians turn up.

RORY: Sil– what?

Underground

Lizard-O-Vision: Amy is unconscious and covered in earth. She is swaddled in green light. Okay.

Church interior
The Doctor, Rory, Tony, Meera Syal, Ambrose and Elliot are setting up their amazing underground-monitoring equipment. Only Ambrose is freaking out.

AMBROSE: This is nuts!

TONY: Calm down dear, it’s only an ancient race of subterranean beings hell-bent on the total destruction of all human life.

DOCTOR: Okay everyone, we’ve got eight minutes. Let’s do a montage where we gaffer tape a lot of electronic goods around the outside of the church. Elliot, your job is to draw a freakishly accurate map of the village; I’m not sure why yet.

EVERYONE: *swings into action*

AMBROSE: Shall I put some weapons in the Meals on Wheels van?

DOCTOR: No thanks.

Church, eight minutes later

RORY: It’s gone dark!

DOCTOR: They’re here.

TONY and MEERA SYAL: *kiss*

VIEWERS: Was that strictly necessary?

Everything starts shaking, then the power goes out and it’s eerily still.

AMBROSE: Hang on, where’s Elliot?

Church graveyard

Elliot is staggering towards the church in the dark. Shadowy figures dart between the gravestones. Oh dear. He bangs on the jammed church door while the rest of the gang struggle to open it from the inside.

ELLIOT: Open the door! Quick!

Lizard-O-Vision: Elliot looks terrified. Green light.

ELLIOT: Arse.

The door bursts open and the gang pile out, shining torches around.

AMBROSE: Where is he? Elliot?

TONY and AMBROSE: *run off into graveyard*

VIEWERS: Idiots.

A Silurian attacks Ambrose, but Tony fights it off. The Silurian, er, licks Tony with its whippy tongue.

TONY: Yowch.

DOCTOR: Everyone back in the church! Except you, Rory.

The Doctor and Rory manage to freeze one of the Silurians with a fire extinguisher and throw it in the back of Ambrose’s Meals on Wheels van. I know. They’d better be saving up this series’ special effects budget for something ruddy spectacular.

SKY: *lightens*

DOCTOR: They’re leaving.

RORY: Wow. That was easy.

DOCTOR: And now both sides have hostages.

Underground

Amy is trapped in a perspex box.

AMY: Let me out! I am feisty!

Church... dungeon?

The Silurian is chained to a wall.

DOCTOR: You’re beautiful. What’s your name? Do you like Italian food? I know a great little place –

SILURIAN: I am Alaya. The humans attacked us with their mighty drill, and now we shall wipe them from the planet.

DOCTOR: So can I have Amy back?

ALAYA: No.

Church

DOCTOR: Right everyone. Basically I’m going to go down to the Silurians’ underground lair and negotiate Amy’s release. If there’s time, I may also dissuade them from annihilating the human race.

EVERYONE: Excellent.

DOCTOR: In the meantime, please look after Alaya; we have dinner plans.

TARDIS exterior

MEERA SYAL: Doctor, can I come on this madcap adventure?

DOCTOR: No way.

MEERA SYAL: But I’m BBC royalty!

DOCTOR: Fine.

TARDIS interior

MEERA SYAL: Wow. Was that gramophone thing there last week?

DOCTOR: God knows. Hang on – we’re being hijacked! They’re pulling the TARDIS down into the Earth. I can’t stop it!

The Doctor and Meera Syal stagger around the TARDIS. Whee!

Church dungeon

Rory, Ambrose and Tony enter cautiously. Alaya rises to her feet, still chained to the wall.

ALAYA: Gaze upon my reptilian beauty and despair, puny humans!

RORY: Don’t worry, we’re going to look after you until the Doctor gets back. Can we get you something to drink? Or a moist towelette?

ALAYA: I predict that one of you will kill me before the end of the next episode.

ME: Bet it’s Tony.

Church corridor

Tony stumbles into the corridor alone. There’s an old mirror propped up against the wall; he slumps to the ground, facing it. As he pulls aside his shirt collar, we see that his skin is covered in thick green veins around the place where the Silurian licked him earlier. Blargh! I’d keep that to myself if I were you, Tony.

TARDIS interior

The TARDIS comes to a halt. The Doctor and Meera Syal fall to the ground.

MEERA SYAL: Where are we?

DOCTOR: *gets up and flings the TARDIS door open*

Underground

They exit the TARDIS and find themselves in an echoing tunnel.

DOCTOR: Well, this is nice.

Silurian lab

Amy awakes. She is strapped to an upright table. I like her boots. There’s someone next to her. It’s Mwlclap! Oh, he’s strapped to a table too.

MWLCLAP: Don’t struggle. They’re about to dissect you, and it’ll hurt like hell.

AMY: Thanks, you’ve been a great comfort.

SILURIAN SCIENTIST: Behold my giant syringe!

Underground

DOCTOR: Let me know if you spot a Silurian settlement. There’ll probably be a few dwellings, maybe a Nandos, that type of thing.

SILURIAN CITY: *is massive*

MEERA SYAL: Okay.

CREDITS

My Verdict:
★★★
A fun Doctor Who frolic, but I feel it’s all been a long set-up for what looks to be a fantastic episode next week. I’m a bit worried about Rory; he’s cramping Amy’s style and pulls the Doctor up on his mistakes more often than anyone else. He’s got to go, I just hope it’s not in a tragically terminal fashion. Also, I can only apologise for the Ood at the top. I tried to make him look cute, but he looks like a confused man eating spaghetti.

The Boy’s Verdict:
★★★
This is not really a verdict on this particular episode as such, but on this whole series. Forced to pick just one word, I'd go for 'fresh'; it just feels so invigorated – great lead, good (ur-) stories, smart use of budget (I'd always hated the overreaching wobbly sets and make-up, though I know it was part of the charm) and a well-pitched, well-used score throughout. Having been antipathetic towards Who in the past, I do now genuinely look forward to new episodes. What was a chore – watching it with Jenny – is now a joy. Huzzah! (This episode wasn't tremendous, but the wit and freshness made it eminently watchable.)

Did you enjoy the episode? Got any crackpot theories to share? Let me know in the comments!

You can follow me on Twitter for a weekly Whocap heads-up.

Contains spoilers for the new series of Doctor Who

Previously on Doctor Who:
Amy confessed that she was supposed to be marrying Rory instead of slouching around the TARDIS being underwhelmed by everything. The boy drank four glasses of wine and downloaded the Total Wipeout application form. Click to get up to speed with episode 5 or whizz back through episodes 4, 3, 2, 1. Go baby, go baby, go! Don’t upset the rhythm, though.

16th Century Venice, House of Volturi Calvierri

Sinister-yet-foxy lady Rosanna is seated on a throne, her sinister-yet-dashing son Francesco by her side.

FRANCESCO: We could’ve easily got a throne for me too. I’m just saying.

ROSANNA: Why don’t you sit on my lap?

FRANCESCO: Er, we need to get you out a bit more. What about evening classes? Or yoga?

Gondola jockey Guido arrives with his daughter Isabella. I know. At least it wasn’t Renesmee. They are escorted by Rosanna’s hilariously behatted steward.

GUIDO: Please accept my daughter into your school of vampirism. I am but a humble boat builder and Hogwarts fees are a bitch.

ROSANNA: She looks delicious, by which I mean delightful. Done!

GUIDO: Right. Bye then, Isabella. Do your homework! *leaves*

ISABELLA: Wonderful. So who do I talk to about my timetable and –

FRANCESCO: *surprise vamp teeth*

ISABELLA: Argh!

Rory’s stag night, in a pub

Rory and his chums are enjoying the sweetest stag night in history. Rory is making a tipsy phone call to Amy’s answer machine while his mates play a friendly game of pool. No one is throwing up, crying, or groping a barmaid. Everyone is wearing really fantastic t-shirts.

RORY: (on phone) Amy! Ahluvyu! Look, thur’z acake!

A giant cake is indeed wheeled into shot while David Rose’s The Stripper instrumental starts up. See, even the stripper music is sweet! Surely real strippers jump out of cakes to Dirrty or Paranoid Android or something. Why yes, many of my musical references are at least eight years old.

DOCTOR: *bursts out of cake*

STAG PARTY: *look crestfallen*

DOCTOR: Rory, your fiancee is dangerously attracted to my wonky alien face and delightful bow tie. You must join us in the TARDIS immediately so I can subject you to my experimental couples counselling techniques.

RORY: ...

CREDITS

TARDIS interior

DOCTOR: I am welding the TARDIS!

AMY: Doctor, what the hell is going on? I thought you were going to tell us why I’m so very SOOPER SPESHOL in this complex story arc.

DOCTOR: What? No, forget about that. Instead, let’s all go on an awkward group date to vampire-infested Venice. There’s nothing like a bit of mortal peril to reinvigorate a relationship!

RORY: I already know things about the TARDIS.

VIEWERS: What, did you Google it?

16th Century Venice

DOCTOR: Here we are! You two go off and have fun while I stare at these creepy schoolgirls.

The creepy schoolgirls cross the square in long frocks and veils. Guido appears, running up and lifting their veils in search of Isabella. Poor Guido.

GUIDO: Isabella? Isabella, it’s me!

ISABELLA: I am confused.

CREEPY GIRLS: *scary teeth*

GUIDO: WTF?

FRACESCO: Mine is an evil cape!

Venetian alley

DOCTOR: Excuse me sir! Why are you trying to get your daughter out of that totally creepy school? I mean, the uniforms and everything seem nice enough.

GUIDO: But the school turns the girls into something evil. And the orthodontistry leaves a lot to be desired.

Courtyard, House of Calvierri

Rosanna is drinking from a large pitcher, attended by her steward.

FRANCESCO: Mother! We were accosted in the street again! Surely we have converted enough creepy girls; it’s time to introduce them to my brothers.

ROSANNA: Not now, darling, I am hydrating. Come and lounge in my lap.

FRANCESCO: But isn’t that a bit ... oh, alright.

Venetian avenue of betrayal

RORY: So, have you missed me?

AMY: No. I do like your gilet, though.

Rory and Amy are horsing around taking digital photos, which is a fantastic idea. Why have none of the other companions taken photos? You’d think Martha’s Facebook page would be all ‘Here’s me on the moon LOL’. Anyway, they hear a bloodcurdling scream and run towards it to find Francesco sucking the blood from a flower seller.

FRANCESCO: Well, this is awkward.

AMY and RORY: ...

FRANCESCO: *walks off and disappears*

Gates, House of Calvierri

GUIDO: Let me in! Isabella!

INCONGRUOUSLY COCKNEY GUARD: Yer not comin’ in mate, get aht of it!

The Doctor slips around to the side entrance and breaks in with his sonic screwdriver. Handy!

Scene we’ve all seen in the unending tide of promotional television appearances by Matt Smith

The Doctor is admiring himself in a small mirror in a stone chamber. A bunch of creepy schoolgirls appear behind him, talking in unison.

CREEPY GIRLS: We are the creepy girls. Ooh, touch our teeth.

DOCTOR: Look, my library card has Hartnell on it!

CREEPY GIRLS: We are so going to kill you.

DOCTOR: *runs away*

Guido’s house

DOCTOR: We need to get back into that school, rescue Isabella and find out what those vamps want from Venice. Ideas?

GUIDO: There is a tunnel that leads into the school, but it ends in a locked trapdoor.

AMY: Why don’t I pretend to be a potential creepy schoolgirl and infiltrate the building? I could let you guys in!

DOCTOR: Other ideas?

GUIDO: What about my gunpowder stash? I keep it right here, directly opposite my roaring fire.

RORY: This whole scenario is MENTAL.

VIEWERS: Rory, you’re twice the viewer proxy Amy will ever be. Go Team Rory!

House of Calvierri

Rosanna is back on her throne with Francesco at her side. Amy and Rory are in period clothing, pretending to be brother and sister.

RORY: I’m a gondola... driver. Please can Amy join your special vamp school? Look, we’ve got references on psychic stationery!

ROSANNA: Interesting. We’ll take her, by which I mean we’ll slowly drain her blood in a weird green room in a few scenes’ time.

RORY: Excellent. Bye then!

A gondola, night

Guido is wearing Rory’s fantastic stag t-shirt and, er, driving the gondola. That shirt looks good on everyone! I’ve got serious shirt envy.

DOCTOR: I’m sure she’ll be fine.

RORY: Don’t talk to me, tweedypits. This is the worst stag night ever.

GUIDO: Here’s the start of the tunnel. Be sure to take this flaming torch for maximum drama.

Courtyard, House of Calvierri

Amy creeps into the courtyard and unlocks the trapdoor. Good work, Amy!

STEWARD: Stop right there, missy.

AMY: Damn!

Weird green room

Amy is hustled into the room by the steward. She is surrounded by Rosanna and all of the creepy schoolgirls.

ROSANNA: Psychic paper? I can spot it a mile away, you fool.

Courtyard, House of Calvierri

The Doctor and Rory climb out of the trapdoor and look for Amy as arranged.

RORY: Amy? Where is she? I can’t see a thing. Is that an ultraviolet lamp in your pocket, Doctor, or –

DOCTOR: Yes it is. Portable sunlight! Remember that, kids.

RORY: Christ, look at these desiccated human remains. What happened?

DOCTOR: The vamps have removed all the fluids from these bodies. So they’re not really vamps, they’re something else.

Weird green room

ROSANNA: Where are you from? Where did you get that psychic paper? Ryman?

FRANCESCO: Mother, let’s just start the vamping process!

Amy is strapped into a chair and hooked up to a drip. Rosanna gets her teeth out and bites her neck. Oh no!

ROSANNA: Ahh, refreshing. Don’t worry Amy, all we’re going to do is slowly drain your blood, replace it with ours, turn you into a hideous creature and throw you to our thrashing army of sex-starved canal beasts.

AMY: *kicks Rosanna in the hip*

Rosanna screams and her image flickers to reveal her true form beneath; a hideous fish-lizard monster. Eurgh! She fiddles with a little perception filter strapped to her dress and looks humanish again. She is mortified and runs off with Francesco.

ISABELLA: Hi there! Let me unstrap you and we can run like the wind in our lovely nighties.

AMY: Hurry up!

Courtyard, House of Calvierri

The creepy girls have caught up with Rory and the Doctor. Exciting!

CREEPY GIRLS: Who are you?

DOCTOR: Stay back, or I’ll swipe at you with my ultraviolet light.

DOCTOR and RORY: *run away*

Corridor, House of Calvierri

DOCTOR: Amy!

AMY: Doctor, they’re aliens!

RORY: We’re trapped!

ISABELLA: This way!

CREEPY GIRLS: Hiss! Growl! Etc!

The gang run back into the tunnel, pursued by Francesco and the creepy girls. The Doctor waves his ultraviolet light at them every so often to keep them at bay.

Secret door, House of Calvierri

Isabella leads everyone to safety as Guido ushers them into his gondola.

DOCTOR: Hurry up, Isabella.

ISABELLA: The sun! It burns! *cowers*

The creepy girls grab her and pull her back inside the building. The Doctor tries to break back in but is electrocuted by their security system.

AMY: Doctor, are you alright?

DOCTOR: Apparently.

Jacuzzi of doom

ROSANNA: Guards, throw her into the jacuzzi and let my fish-lizard kin drown her in lacklustre bubbles.

ISABELLA: *drowns*

VIEWERS: Harsh.

House of Calvierri

ROSANNA: Who are you? Get out of my throne. We’ve only got one.

DOCTOR: You’re a long way from home, fish-lizard. Why’s that?

ROSANNA: We are refugees fleeing the silence. Our planet was swallowed whole by one of those scary cracks, so we came to earth to sink Venice, make a home and preserve our fishy gene pool in an underwater city using converted humans.

DOCTOR: Right. So where’s Isabella?

ROSANNA: We killed her by jacuzzi.

DOCTOR: What? I’m leaving. *leaves*

Courtyard, House of Calvierri

ROSANNA: Action stations, creepy girls! Run after and slaughter the Doctor and his little friends while I activate my amazing Venice-flooding rain device!

CREEPY GIRLS: Let’s roll.

Guido’s house

DOCTOR: Let’s all sit down while I explain the events of the last 30 minutes.

CREEPY GIRLS: *burst in through windows*

RORY: Vampire space fish-lizards incoming!

EVERYONE: *runs away*

GUIDO: Wait, I’m going back!

EVERYONE: Are you insane?

As the gang escape the house, Guido runs back. Luring the creepy girls back to the kitchen, he ignites his stockpile of gunpowder with a candle. Wow, Guido is hardcore.

GUIDO’S HOUSE: *explodes*

House of Calvierri

Rosanna has activated some alien technology in the building’s bell tower that pours clouds and lightning into the atmosphere over Venice, creating a huge electrical storm complete with mini earthquakes. Let’s just go with it.

DOCTOR: Amy and Rory, your job is to destroy the circuit boards of this crazy weather machine while I scale the bell tower in a slightly 1960s Batman fashion.

RORY: Wilco.

Bell tower crazy weather machine
The Doctor switches off the machine with a handy little switch.

SUN: *shines*

AMY and RORY: *cheer and hug*

DOCTOR: Thanks! We certainly got over the deaths of Isabella and Guido quickly.

Jacuzzi of doom
ROSANNA: (to water) The creepy girls I created are dead. Our vampire fish-lizard race is doomed.

DOCTOR: Don’t do it! This episode already has an unusually high death count!

ROSANNA: *jumps into water in her human guise and is attacked by her fishy sons*

DOCTOR:

TARDIS exterior

DOCTOR: Right, now that you two are rock-solid, let’s get you back to your wedding.

AMY: *looks dubious* Why doesn’t Rory just accompany us on some more exciting adventures.

VIEWERS: Yes, why not? That worked so well with Rose and Mickey. /sarcasm

DOCTOR: Fair enough.

AMY: Hooray! *disappears into TARDIS*

VENICE: *falls completely silent*

DOCTOR: Rory. Have you noticed how silent it’s just gone?

RORY: And your point is?

DOCTOR: Oh, nothing. Let’s get going; next week looks brilliant.

CREDITS

My Verdict:
★★★★
It’s hard to make fun of these episodes; they’re just too good! The special effects were a bit ropey in places, but – hey! – that just follows in the grand old tradition of ropey Doctor Who effects. Rory’s great fun, and there was lots of properly funny dialogue too. Am I the only person that would quite like to see the Doctor with a permanent male companion for a while?

The Boy’s Verdict:
★★★★
No you’re not; I’m still on Team Wilf. Rollickin’ ep, though. Genuinely witty script, terrifically delivered by Smith.

What did you think of the episode? Let me know in the comments!

Contains spoilers for the new series of Doctor Who

Previously on Doctor Who:
River Song was sassy, the Doctor did a TARDIS impression, Amy was unimpressed and those poor soldier clerics were doomed. Clicky-clicky to catch up with episode 4, or go back and relive episode 1, episode 2 and episode 3. Go on, there are pictures and everything!

Cavern of imminent death

The flash from the exploding gravity globe fades and everyone staggers around after their cute hokey-cokey jump.

AMY: Where are we?

DOCTOR: We are standing upside down on the crashed spaceship using the still-functioning gravity field, much like that Eddie Izzard sketch about Mars that doesn’t seem to be on YouTube. Now, keep looking up while I open this hatch; there are a bunch of scary stone angels climbing after us.

AMY: So they can’t fly?

DOCTOR: No. Yes. I don’t think so. Now let’s all climb into the ship and run like the bejesus.

ANGELS: *look menacing*

Byzantium corridor of cheap-but-great effects

DOCTOR: In order to get us through this locked door, I must switch off all the lights.

AMY: But that’s madness! If we can’t see the angels, they can catch us and snap us all like Twiglets!

FATHER OCTAVIAN: Doctor, my clerics and I will provide flashes of machine gun fire in order that the viewers get terrifying glimpses of the angels approaching us in the darkness.

DOCTOR: *switches off lights*

FATHER OCTAVIAN: Fire! Fire! Fire!

ANGELS: *scary! scary! scary!*

VIEWERS: This is just awesome.

Narnia

DOCTOR: Amy, I’m afraid there’s an angel living inside your brain and you must close your eyes this instant or die a horrible death.

AMY: Awkward.

DOCTOR: Don’t worry, I’m going to run off with the only other recurring character in this series and leave you in the care of these anonymous clerics. In the dark, angel-infested forest. With your eyes closed.

AMY:

DOCTOR: You need to start trusting me, even though I abandoned you without explanation as a child, rendering you permanently psychologically damaged and unable to commit to your boyfriend.

AMY:

Byzantium flight deck

RIVER: Doctor, I’m sure if I get these transporters working I can save everyone from the angels!

DOCTOR: Don’t be ridiculous. I’ll use my radio to offer uselessly disheartening guidance to my blind-or-dead companion and her fearless protector clerics.

Narnia

AMY: What’s up in the forest, guys?

CLERIC: The angels, they’re getting closer!

OTHER CLERIC: They’re turning out the lights!

AMY: Um, you could’ve lied.

A bright light shines through the trees; it’s a crack that matches the one in Amy’s wall! The angels flee.

JITTERY CLERIC: Philip, Crispin, go and have a closer look at that dazzling light.

PHILIP and CRISPIN: *run off and lose radio contact*

CLERIC PEDRO: Sir, I’m just going to have a look at that light too. *runs off*

AMY: Why don’t you wait til Philip and Crispin come back?

JITTERY CLERIC: Who are Philip and Crispin? Keep your eyes shut, missy, this is man talk. Right, hang on to this communicator, I’ve got to get a look at that light.

AMY: What are you, moths?

Byzantium flight deck

DOCTOR: Octavian’s dead.

RIVER: Ah well.

DOCTOR: Amy? What’s happening in Narnia?

AMY: (on radio) Swings and roundabouts, Doctor. I can’t see, an existence-cancelling crack has swallowed my bodyguards, and there’s a swarm of murderous statues roaming about. But my nail varnish is nice this week.

DOCTOR: Right. Well, just pretend you can see and the angels will almost certainly be fooled.

Narnia

AMY: *falls down*

ANGELS: *actually move!*

CHILDREN EVERYWHERE: *are scarred*

Byzantium flight deck

RIVER: What’s that big time crack going to do?

DOCTOR: It’s basically going to swallow time whole, it’ll be like the universe never existed.

RIVER: ...

DOCTOR: But forget about that, I’ve got to get back to Amy with some more useless directions.

ME: Doctor Who sat-nav voice? You know it makes sense.

River mends the transporter in the nick of time and zaps Amy out of harm’s way.

DOCTOR: River Song, I could bloody kiss you!

VIEWERS: ‘Bloody’?!

DOCTOR: The angels have drained the last of the power, which means the shield is going to open dramatically to reveal a host of deadly angels!

SHIELD: *opens*

ANGELS: *look dramatic*

DOCTOR: What do you want, angels?

ANGEL BOB: Doctor, if a masterful lord of time such as your good self would throw himself into the big time crack, the universe would be saved for a while. Thoughts?

RIVER: Never! Throw me in!

DOCTOR: No, you have to come back in a future episode to help us meet our agreed BBC sassy targets for 2010. Why don’t we chuck all the angels in instead? Hold on, everyone!

The angels drain the last of the power from the Byzantium, and the gravity fails. The Doctor, Amy and River hang on to useful console handles while the angels tumble into the big time crack below.

EVERYONE: Yay!

CRACK: *seals up*

Suspiciously quarry-like planet

AMY: So I can open my eyes now?

DOCTOR: Yes, as the angels fell into the big time crack, the one in your head never existed.

AMY: But how can I still remember it?

DOCTOR: Let’s not worry about that. Oh look, there’s River.

RIVER: Bye everyone. I’m going back to the prison I apparently came from. *beams up*

DOCTOR: Bye then.

AMY: Hey Doctor, let’s go back to mine. WINK WINK.

Amy’s bedroom, the night before her wedding

AMY’S DRESS: You’re back! I’ve been so lonely! The cute Doctor dolls are no company at all.

DOCTOR: What is happening?

AMY: Get out of those braces, you delicious, slightly foetal-looking hunk of Gallifreyan deliciousness!

DOCTOR: But I have at least one granddaughter! And she’s older than you!

AMY: Physics, schmysics, what does it matter so long as you love your companion-who-has-slightly-weird-daddy-issues?

VIEWERS: Make it stop!

DOCTOR: Wait!

ME: Thank Christ.

DOCTOR: Duck ponds, time cracks, space whales, base codes; it’s all about you, Amy, and I must hustle you into the TARDIS before the clock hits midnight and this outrageous seduction scene goes any further.

VIEWERS: Hooray!

CREDITS

My Verdict:
★★★★★
That was fantastic! Even the snogging, which I hated, was preferable to all the soppy longing that Rose and Martha got up to. I like your style, Amy! And your nail varnish.

The Boy’s Verdict:
★★★★★
I have observed before that the correct blood-alcohol level for watching Doctor Who can be accurately judged when, during the preceding Total Wipeout programme, you think that you could bloody well do that assault course yourself. It’s possible that I nailed it even more precisely this week, as I apparently got round to downloading the application form, but still, that shouldn’t take away from the fact that this was a hella good episode. The kissy-kissy actually made sense – I’m glad they finally confronted it head-on instead of having Billie Piper making lisping moon-eyes at the gurning Eccleston – and the simple wonder of the gravity trick was pitch-perfect. And I say it again: Smith rulez teh Who.

What did you think? Let me know in the comments!

Contains spoilers for the new series of Doctor Who

Previously on Doctor Who:
Loads happened! Clickety-click to get up to speed with episode 1, episode 2 and episode 3. Or, you know, don’t.

Garden of wondrous illusion

Fleetingly popular hip-hop vocalist Mike Skinner spins on the spot, dazzled by his surroundings. He has a lipstick smear on the corner of his mouth. A man in a tuxedo approaches, followed by two military blokes.

MIKE SKINNER: Tangerine trees! Marmalade skies!

TUXEDO MAN: (Examining lipstick smear) Hallucinogenic lipstick. You are a crap guard, Mike Skinner.

Spaceship corridor of crushing reality

MIKE SKINNER: Kaleidoscope eyes!

TUXEDO MAN: She’s here. And I’ll wager she’s wearing magnificent shoes.

Auxiliary spaceship corridor

A sexy lady in a pair of truly magnificent shoes struts toward a locked door. She shoots the lock with a tiny gun and the door swings open to reveal a weird black box. At the flick of the switch, the tiny gun turns into a gas torch. Exciting!

12,000 years later (seriously)

Amy and the Doctor are exploring the biggest museum ever. Amy is bored. Get a grip, Amy!

AMY: Can we go now? I want to see a planet.

DOCTOR: We can’t afford planets, Amy, just quarries and old factories. Blimey, look at this exhibit! It’s a Home Box!

AMY: Which is? Please explain quickly before I roll my eyes right out of my skull.

DOCTOR: It’s like the black box on an aeroplane, except it’s for spaceships. When the ship crashes, it finds its way home. This one is intriguing as someone has burnt a message on to it in Gallifreyan, the language of the mighty, mighty Time Lords.

AMY: What does it say?

DOCTOR: It says ‘Hello sweetie’. We must steal this priceless exhibit immediately!

AMY: Cheese it!

The Doctor and Amy run to the TARDIS, escaping the bumbling museum guards.

Spaceship corridor

It’s Dr Corday River Song! She’s cornered by Tuxedo Guy and his military blokes.

RIVER: *winks* I am sassy, guys. SASSY.

TUXEDO GUY: Stop right there, Dr Song. My jittery military blokes are going to shoot you right out of those amazing shoes. And then I’m going to wear them and dance around like a princess.

RIVER: Have you any idea what’s down in the vaults of this ship? Why don’t you ponder it while I recite a list of coordinates to the Home Box?

TARDIS interior

The Doctor and Amy watch the security footage of River and Tuxedo Guy on the Home Box.

AMY: Well, she seems... sassy.

DOCTOR: I’ve got to enter those coordinates! Apparently a Fawlty Towers-style bell will help.

Spaceship corridor

RIVER: Well, it’s been fab, but now I have to open this airlock, fly through the vacuum of space in a tunnel of air and land in the magically-appearing TARDIS.

TUXEDO GUY: Good luck with that.

River flies from the airlock and lands in the TARDIS.

TARDIS interior

RIVER: Follow that ship!

GROOVY NEW CREDITS

TARDIS interior

River Song pilots the TARDIS like a pro, which makes the Doctor sulk.

AMY: How come she can fly the TARDIS better than you?

DOCTOR: Shut up.

RIVER: My sassiness cannot be contained. Let’s go outside.

Suspiciously quarry-like planet

The Doctor, Amy and River look upon the flaming wreckage of the Byzantium – the spaceship River escaped from. The ship was sabotaged and has crashed into an abandoned temple, with no survivors EXCEPT ONE!

RIVER: There’s a thing in that ship that can’t ever die.

BRASS SECTION: *ominous parp*

RIVER: Allow me to summon my crack squad of apparating clerical squaddies.

CLERICAL SQUADDIES: Good evening!

FATHER OCTAVIAN: Doctor! Sir, I’m so glad you’re here. River Song has been helping us track this Weeping Angel thing. Do you know anything about them?

DOCTOR: WTF, didn’t you watch Blink? We’re all going to die!

AMY: I am curiously unperturbed by this information.

Temple interior

FATHER OCTAVIAN: *points to map* So we’re going to work our way up through the catacombs of doom towards the crashed ship then blast our way through and neutralise the angel. I’ve got a bottle of Febreze that’ll do the job nicely. If you’ll excuse me, sir, I’ll go and help the clerics with their game of Mouse Trap. *salutes and leaves*

AMY: Doctor, you let him call you ‘sir’. You never do that.

VIEWERS: How would you know?!

AMY: Is River Song your wife in the future?

DOCTOR: Probably. I was gutted when she died last series, but now I seem to hate her a bit.

AMY: Interesting.

The littlest spaceship, interior

Everyone gathers around a screen showing footage of the angel with its back to the camera. The footage is a four second loop that flutters at the end before starting again.

RIVER: Try to follow my exposition while being distracted by my foundation tide-mark. Basically, the angel is a stone statue when you look at it, but when you turn your back it attacks, sending you back in time and living on your potential energy.

DOCTOR: And the angel’s getting terrifyingly strong as it feeds off radiation leaking from the crashed Byzantium.

AMY: *yawns* I think I’ll just hang out in here while you discuss your plan further.

Temple interior

DOCTOR: River, who built these catacombs?

RIVER: The long-extinct indigenous people of this planet, whose name I shall now mumble.

DOCTOR: Will I need to remember this?

RIVER: Frustratingly, yes.

The littlest spaceship, interior

Amy looks at the screen to see that the angel footage looks different. The angel’s face has turned slightly.

AMY: Okay, that’s weird.

Amy glances away. When she looks back the angel has turned completely and moved closer to the camera.

AMY: But it’s just a recording... *clicks remote control ineffectually*

ANGEL: *looks scary*

AMY: *looks down at power cable*

VIEWERS: OMG stop looking away, you fool!

ANGEL: *is very close to screen*

AMY: ARGH!

Drama! The image of the angel escapes the TV, locks Amy inside the ship and enters a tense stare-off.

DOCTOR: (shouting through door) Don’t look it in the eye!

AMY: *looks at angel’s eyes*

Waiting for the flicker in the looped recording, Amy manages to switch off the screen and thus the angel. Crikey.

RIVER and THE DOCTOR: *burst in* Are you alright?

AMY: Yep, I’ve just got something in my eye.

STRING SECTION: *eerie pizzicato*

Catacombs of doom

The Doctor, River, Amy, Father Octavian and his band of soldier clerics stand in the darkness wondering which way to go. The Doctor kicks a gravity globe high into the cavernous space to reveal OMG STATUES EVERYWHERE! But it’s okay, they’re just normal statues, sculpted by the temple-builders ages ago.

FATHER OCTAVIAN: Inspect every one of these statues until we find the weeping angel!

CLERIC CHRISTIAN: Sir, can Angelo and I investigate this creepy chamber?

FATHER OCTAVIAN: I can see no reason that would be hazardous. Amy, should we be concerned that a pile of gravel fell out of your eye when you rubbed it just then?

AMY: It’s probably nothing.

STATUES: *loom*

Creepy chamber

Clerics Christian and Angelo are stalking about in the dark with guns and torches. They split up and Christian’s torch begins to flicker. Oh no!

CLERIC CHRISTIAN: Dude, hunting statues is lame. Angelo?

ANGEL: *surprise scaryface*

CLERIC CHRISTIAN: Wah!

Creepy chamber anteroom

Cleric Angelo is looking a bit bewildered by the whole business. His radio crackles.

CLERIC ANGELO: Christian, where are you?

CLERIC CHRISTIAN: (on radio) Come and see this, you totally won’t regret it.

CLERIC ANGELO: *regrets it*

Maze of the dead

The maze is lined with statues, the gang shine their torches at them, checking as they walk.

DOCTOR: You know, I met the people who built this maze. They were great! They had two heads, which is handy because – hang on, these statues are one-headed.

AMY: So?

DOCTOR: Don’t panic, but all of the hundreds of statues we’ve walked past this episode are actually really old and weak weeping angels. They will almost certainly kill us dead.

AMY: I shall try and muster up some alarm.

Corridor of loneliness
Cleric Bob stands alone, guarding the entrance to the maze.

CLERIC ANGELO: (on radio) Bob, come and see this.

VIEWERS: Noooo!

Maze of the dead

DOCTOR: I have deduced that the Byzantium crash was a rescue mission for all these angels. The leaking radiation is reviving them. We’re doomed!

CLERIC BOB: (on radio) Doctor? I’ve been killed by the angel from the wreckage. It snapped my neck, which seems a bit unfair, and now it’s using my voice to talk to you. About me. Weird, huh? Also, I AM COMING FOR YOU. Sorry about that.

DOCTOR: Everyone run like the wind!

EVERYONE EXCEPT AMY: *runs*

AMY: Doctor, sorry to be a bore, but my hand has turned to stone. It’s stuck to the wall.

DOCTOR: What? No it hasn’t. That angel you looked at earlier has messed with your mindcogs.

AMY: I can’t move it. Run! Save yourself. I’ll stay here and be tearily stoic rather than hysterically out of my mind, which is how any normal person would react.

DOCTOR: *bites Amy’s hand*

AMY: *jerks her hand away*

DOCTOR: Ta-daa!

AMY: You utter oddball.

ANGELS: *are scarily close*

TORCHES: *flicker*

DOCTOR: Run!

Cavern beneath crashed Byzantium

FATHER OCTAVIAN: Our only way out now is to go through the wreckage.

RIVER: But that’s thirty feet up! What are we going to do?

CLERIC EXPOSITION: Sir, the torches are flickering! We need to be able to see the angels to stop them! They’re approaching from all sides!

RIVER: Ideas, Doctor?

FATHER BOB: (on radio) You’re trapped and about to die. Apologies again for the inconvenience.

DOCTOR: Call this a trap? I’ll tell you this, Bob, this is a rubbish trap. Do you know why? Because there’s one thing you don’t put in a trap. One thing you never put in a trap, if you have any sense. If you want to live to see tomorrow, there’s one thing you never put in a trap and do you know what that thing is?

ANIMATED GRAHAM NORTON: Helloo! Watch my thinly veiled advertisement for Andrew Lloyd Webber’s latest stage show, in which we cast grown women dressed like tarts in the role of Kansas girlchild Dorothy Gale! Toodles! *dances off*

ENGLISH VIEWERS: *complain to BBC en masse*

DOCTOR: Right, when I shoot this gravity globe, jump.

EVERYONE: In the absence of a sensible plan, we will comply.

DOCTOR: *shoots globe*

GLOBE: *explodes*

CREDITS

My Verdict:
★★★★★
Yay, cliffhanger! Scary monsters, timebending action sequences and properly funny dialogue; what more could you want from Doctor Who? I can’t shake the impression that Amy’s just not shocked enough by the things that happen to her, but I’m hoping that maybe she’s got a secret up her sleeve that would explain it.

The Boy’s Verdict:
★★★★
I’m with El Cobbett on this one. The great beauty of the angels was their simplicity – it’s a brilliant brainworm of an idea, the kind of really special little idea that feels like a kind of ur-story – and by mucking about with them with the whole “anything that takes the image of an angel becomes itself an angel” schtick robs them of some of their power. Regardless, a top episode, and I’m rapidly coming to the (worthless, given my traditional antipathy to all things Who) conclusion that Matt Smith is the best Doctor in the history of ever.

EDIT: I forgot to say ‘What did you think? Let me know below!’ Also, if you missed last week’s comments section, it was hilarious. Check it out!

Hi there! I’ve got some Actual Work to do this weekend, so the most-exciting-yet Whocap will be live on Tuesday. Ooh, come back then and we can discuss Weeping Angels, sexy shoes and that Graham Norton graphic.

Contains spoilers for the new series of Doctor Who

Previously on Doctor Who:
The new-faced Doctor met Amy Pond as a child, then twice more as an adult. They had an adventure with a giant eyeball and then one with a Star Whale. Amy wore provocative outfits and the remodelled TARDIS was a bit glitchy.

Map Room, Cabinet War Rooms

Air raid sirens! Stiff upper lips! Dapper uniforms! It’s Blitzkrieg, baby, and I’m geeking out on the settee.

WINSTON CHURCHILL: Damn those Nazis! London’s getting flattened and no one’s seen a banana since 1939.

STOIC COMMS GIRL: I represent the humanitarian horror of war. Just forget about me and enjoy the Daleks.

MILITARY STRATEGISTS: Let’s all play Dalek Risk to take our minds off things.

WINSTON CHURCHILL: No! It’s time to use our new secret weapon!

CREDITS

Soldier-packed corridor, Cabinet War Rooms

The TARDIS lands. The Doctor and Amy emerge to find themselves surrounded by rifle-wielding soldiers and Winston Churchill.

DOCTOR: Amy, permit me to introduce you to Winston Churchill, the noted historical figure who’s been dead for decades, brought to you by the magic of time travel!

AMY: Whatever.

WINSTON CHURCHILL: Hello Doctor! Why did it take you a month to return my timebending phone call?

DOCTOR: Apparently I’m having TARDIS trouble; it took me twelve years to stage an intervention on poor Amy’s neglectful childhood. Let’s hope this minor glitch causes no problems in a future climactic series finale.

WINSTON CHURCHILL: Let’s go up on the roof to see my new secret weapon.

ME: They should go to the cafe; you can get Dig for Victory soup and the menu’s like a ration book.

Bombwatch rooftop

BILL PATERSON: War! What is it good for? Manufacturing Daleks Bracewell Ironsides!

DALEK: HOW DO YOU DO?

DOCTOR: You idiots, that’s a Dalek!

DALEK: I AM A HELPFUL WAR ROBOT. CHECK OUT MY UTILITY KNAPSACK.

DOCTOR: Lies! He’ll fry us all like a side of bacon!

BILL PATERSON: Nonsense. Now let’s get back inside for your scheduled manic episode, Doctor, I’m sure no one will want to miss it.

Dalek teashop, Cabinet War Rooms

DOCTOR: Amy, tell Winston Churchill that Daleks are an insanely dangerous race of alien beings.

AMY: What’s a Dalek?

DOCTOR: Remember! I saved the Earth from them last series? John Barrowman was there?

AMY: I’m drawing a blank. Please don’t let Barrowman be in this series.

WINSTON CHURCHILL: Dude, chillax. Bill Paterson designed these to help us fight Hitler and be helpful around the house.

DALEK: TEA?

DOCTOR: Argh! *dalekspannersmash*

DALEK: £I*&(@*£($*)&@!

EVERYONE: Stoppit!

DOCTOR: *dalekboot*

DALEK: SO YOU DON’T WANT TEA?

DOCTOR: You are a Dalek!

DALEKS: /helpfulrobots LOL, FOOLED YOU. WE ARE DALEKS, DALEKS RULE SUPREME, STAND ASIDE PUNY HUMANS. PREPARE TO BE EXTERMINATED.

SOLDIERS: Stop right there!

DALEKS: *zap soldiers dead*

BILL PATERSON: ...

DALEK: VICTORY! VICTORY! VICTORY! AND BILL PATERSON IS A DALEK ANDROID. SEE?

A Dalek shoots Bill Paterson’s hand off to reveal a tangle of crackling wires and stuff. Everyone exchanges boggled looks and the Daleks beam up to their flying saucer. Hidden behind the MOON! If you’re not enjoying this episode, you need another glass of wine.

DOCTOR: Awkward.

TARDIS exterior, Cabinet War Rooms

AMY: Crikey. So shall we follow the Daleks to their spaceship and fight them with biscuits?

DOCTOR: No. I’ll do the biscuit-fighting on my own. You stay in this enclosed space with Winston Churchill.

WINSTON CHURCHILL: Win!

Dalek spaceship

DOCTOR: Hi there!

DALEKS: IT IS THE DOCTOR. EXTERMINATE! EXTERMIN–

DOCTOR: Wait! One false move and I shall press my TARDIS self-destruct button and blow us all to smithereens. Anyway, I thought I killed you all?

DALEK: A FEW OF US SURVIVED SOMEHOW. ALL WE NEED NOW IS AN EXTERNAL MODERATOR TO CONFIRM THAT WE ARE PROPER DALEKS TO OUR SPECIAL DALEK-MAKING MACHINE AND WE’RE BACK IN BUSINESS.

DOCTOR: Well I already did that back in the War Rooms.

DALEK-MAKING MACHINE: *looks threatening*

DOCTOR: Arse.

DALEK: WITHDRAW, DOCTOR, OR WE DESTROY LONDON.

DOCTOR: With what, plunger-features?

DALEK: DALEKS WILL CLEVERLY SWITCH ON ALL STREETLIGHTS, LEAVING LONDON VULNERABLE TO ATTACK BY GERMAN WARPLANES.

DOCTOR:

Bombwatch rooftop

London lights up.

WARDEN: Don’t panic!

EVERYONE: *panics*

Cabinet War Rooms

WINSTON CHURCHILL: We’ve got to switch those lights off.

AMY: What about a missile?

WINSTON CHURCHILL: Into space? Are you mad? Actually, that could work. Let’s ask Bill Paterson to help us.

BILL PATERSON: Sod off, I’m an android and my life is meaningless.

AMY: But we could use your amazing Dalek-style knowledge to tactical advantage!

BILL PATERSON: Okay then. I suppose I could spend ten minutes hacking our Spitfires until they can fly in outer space.

WINSTON CHURCHILL: That is patently ridiculous.

AMY: Do it!

Dalek spaceship

DOCTOR: Turn those lights out, Daleks, or I’m pressing my detonator!

DALEK: LEAVE US ALONE WITH OUR DALEK-MAKING MACHINE AND WE’LL THINK ABOUT IT.

DOCTOR: I won’t let you get away this time!

UK VIEWERS: You so will.

DALEK-MAKING MACHINE: *spits out new colourful Daleks*

iPOD FANS: This seems familiar.

STAR WARS FANS: Are you new?

NEW DALEK: WE HAVE SCANNED YOUR BUTTON; IT IS ACTUALLY A JAMMIE DODGER.

DOCTOR: You make a valid point. *runs to TARDIS*

OTHER NEW DALEK: INCOMING!

Outer space
The Dalek spaceship is suddenly surrounded by Spitfires. It is equal parts brilliant and ridiculous.

THE BOY: They wouldn’t work in a vacuum.

ME: Have some more wine.

SPITFIRE PILOTS: Tally ho! We’ll shoot the pants off these blighters and be home in time for supper! Last one back’s a hairy kipper! Etc!

DALEK SPACESHIP: *shoots all but one of the Spitfires down*

REMAINING PILOT: It’s all down to me. Hold tight, Doctor!

Cabinet War Rooms

MILITARY GUY: Direct hit, sir!

EVERYONE: Yay!

Bombwatch rooftop

London plunged back into darkness.

WARDEN: Phew! *shakes fist at German planes in hilariously 1940s way*

Outer space

REMAINING PILOT: Heads up Doctor, I’m coming back for another attack.

TARDIS interior

DOCTOR: Set your machine guns to Jammie and blow these Daleks away!

TARDIS VIEWSCREEN: *crackles to life*

DALEK: (on viewscreen) CALL OFF THAT PILOT, DOCTOR, OR WE’LL EXPLODE BILL PATERSON.

DOCTOR: But he’s one of Scotland’s most beloved character actors!

DALEK: DALEKS CARE NOT FOR SUCCESSFUL ADAPTATIONS OF THE CROW ROAD.

DOCTOR: (on radio) Remaining Spitfire pilot? Go back to Earth immediately.

Cabinet War Rooms

The Doctor returns, runs to the Map Room and punches Bill Paterson in the face. He falls to the ground.

UK VIEWERS: Tennant was never this violent.

DOCTOR: Keep still, Bill Paterson, I need to examine your amazing steampunk chest.

BILL PATERSON’S CHEST: *is steampunky*

AMY: Those chest-lights surely indicate our imminent demise!

DOCTOR: Bill Paterson, tell us of your stolen human memories! This will somehow stop you from exploding like the big android bomb you actually are.

WINSTON CHURCHILL: I don’t understand.

DOCTOR: No one does, let’s just do it and hope for the best.

BILL PATERSON: When I was a kid I lived in a postbox, then my parents died of gout, then I fancied a girl with a crazy name. It was terrible.

AMY: *makes moony eyes*

CHEST BOMB: *deactivates*

Dalek spaceship

DALEK: WTF? BOMB DEACTIVATED! RUN FOR IT!

OTHER DALEKS: YOU WILL NEVER DEFEAT US DOCTOR! WE WILL RETURN! VICTORY! /daleksmacktalk

DALEK SPACESHIP: *flies away*

Cabinet War Rooms

DOCTOR: Nooooo! I can’t believe they’ve got away again.

UK VIEWERS: We totally can.

WINSTON CHURCHILL: Nice work on saving the Earth, though. Cigar?

DOCTOR: I’d love to, but smoking is very wrong, kids.

Bombwatch rooftop

Some military guys and the Warden raise the union flag. Okay.

Cabinet War Rooms

STOIC COMMS GIRL: War is hell.

DOCTOR: Right, I’ve taken out all of the amazing alien technology that made the Spitfires ace and now I’ll be off.

WINSTON CHURCHILL: But why not stay and help? You could save millions of lives and the war would be over in hours!

DOCTOR: There are complex reasons as to why I can’t do that.

Bill Paterson’s android moperoom

BILL PATERSON: I guess you’ll have to switch me off now. After all, I am a piece of mortally dangerous Dalek weaponry.

DOCTOR: Nah, you seem harmless enough. Off you pop!

AMY: I’m sure that decision won’t come back to haunt us. He is Scottish, after all. Like me! Have I mentioned that already?

TARDIS exterior

The Doctor and Amy are ready to leave, but have a quick chinwag outside the TARDIS first.

AMY: Wow, travelling in the TARDIS is kind of dangerous. You’d almost think I’d have asked more questions before hopping aboard.

DOCTOR: Yeah. Weird how you didn’t remember about the Daleks though, wasn’t it?

AMY: Let’s roll.

The TARDIS disappears, revealing a crack in the wall behind it.

CREDITS

My Verdict:
★★★
Yep, this episode lost it a bit in the second half, but there were some really fun scenes. The WWII-style Daleks were brilliant, and I liked it when Churchill tried to convince the Doctor to help them win the war instead of gap year-ing around time and space seemingly at random. I can’t bring myself to dislike the much-maligned new Daleks, mainly because they look much more spacious for the operator guys inside.

The Boy’s Verdict:
★★
If nothing else, hearing Daleks offer to make A CUP OF TEA means this can never be called a bad episode. Still, a bit messy again, with odd plot decisions; disarming a bomb with Happy Thoughts™ and letting Bill Paterson (sidenote: yay, Bill Paterson!) go is one thing (well, are two things), but choosing to risk the rest of the chuffing universe in order to save the Earth, while consistent with the Doctor's Earth-lovin’ flaw, feels, objectively, daft. And then to allow himself to be convinced that he made the right decision? For shame, Gatiss!

Plus, y'know, iDaleks; felt like it was a huge opportunity – reinventing the Doctor's baddies, FFS – lost. Not cool, not threatening, not especially well done. Pretty rocking score, mind you.

What did you think? Let me know below!

Contains spoilers for the new series of Doctor Who

Previously on Doctor Who:
The Doctor regenerated, met stripper kissogram Amy Pond, saved the Earth from death-by-eyeball and got his TARDIS fixed.

Starship UK

Loads of towerblocks trundle through space together, lit with neon lights to tell you they’re KENT or SURREY. The lights flicker. It’s a dystopia, I tell you, a dystopia!

Starship UK classroom of doom

ROBOT TEACHER: WELL DONE, HUMAN CHILDREN.

KIDS: Thanks!

TEST-FAILING BOY: Thanks!

ROBOT TEACHER: NOT YOU, TEST-FAILING BOY! /happyrobot

Starship UK corridor of doom

TEST-FAILING BOY: Wait up, test-passing girl, I’ll catch the FutureTube with you!

TEST-PASSING GIRL: Forget it, loser, you have to catch the next lift to Below for reasons none of us fully understand.

TEST-FAILING BOY:

GROOVY NEW CREDITS

TARDIS

Amy hangs out of the TARDIS to experience the joy of weightlessness. The Doctor hangs on to her foot so stop her tumbling into the infinite majesty of creation. Thoughtful.

AMY: This is literally the best thing ever! Also, I hope I’m wearing underpants beneath this flimsy nightgown.

DOCTOR: Is it my turn yet?

TARDIS interior

DOCTOR: So it turns out that in the 29th Century, humans have to leave the Earth to giant cockroaches and set sail for distant planets. Let’s check out the Good Ship Home Counties!

AMY: Okay!

DOCTOR: But please remember that as time travellers we must never meddle in the affairs of others.

UK VIEWERS: Since when, Doctor Meddlestein McMeddler?

AMY: Right then, I’ll just go and change into something more suitable –

DOCTOR: NO! There is apparently no time for that.

Starship UK Londonsville

TEST-PASSING GIRL: *cries*

DOCTOR: Amy, follow that girl and find out why she’s crying.

AMY: Okay. What will you be doing?

DOCTOR: Dunno. Looking lanky and noticing that this spaceship has no engine, mostly.

DEMON HEADMASTER: Don’t worry, kids, I’ll explain it all at the end.

Starship UK aristoroom

Fancy bedroom has loads of glasses and a chandelier on the floor. There sits a woman in full 1988 Phantom of the Opera costume, complete with porcelain mask and velour cape.

LIZ 10: Masquerade! Put your faces on parade!

HENCHGUY: Ma’am, the Doctor is in.

LIZ 10: Let’s roll.

Starship UK Soho zone

Test-passing girl notices that Amy’s following her. There follows a brief exchange in which T-PG tells Amy not to break the rules in front of the weird ‘Smiler’ robot henchmen and we are all reminded again that Amy is Scottish.

TEST-PASSING GIRL: Why are you following me?

AMY: What’s behind that roadblock?

TEST-PASSING GIRL: It’s a forbidden tentacle hole and you mustn’t look at it.

AMY: *looks at it*

GIANT TENTACLE: Hi there!

SMILERS: GRR!

The Smilers drug Amy; she passes out.

Starship UK voting chamber of brainfunk

Amy awakes in a chair. In front of her there is a screen and three buttons; PROTEST, RECORD and FORGET.

AMY: WTF?

MAN ON SCREEN: Hey guys. Look, the Starship UK holds a terrible truth that will almost certainly screw you up big time. As a fair and just dystopian government, we’ll show you a short explanatory film and you can decide whether to have your memory wiped or protest and possibly annihilate the human race, mmmkay?

SCREEN: *shows film*

AMY: *is horrified and presses FORGET button*

AMY ON SCREEN: Amy, whatever you do, don’t let the Doctor investigate this ship!

DOCTOR: This ship is odd, isn’t it? Let’s investigate.

AMY: Okay!

AMY ON SCREEN: ...

The Doctor presses the PROTEST button and the floor opens up, tipping the Doctor and Amy into the Below of legend.

Squelchy cavern of Below

AMY: Urgh, what a horrid squelchy cavern.

DOCTOR: Yeah, it’s actually a huge mouth with a tongue and teeth and everything.

STAR WARS FANS: This seems... familiar.

HUGE MOUTH: *vomits*

Corridor of vomit drainage

AMY: Look, there’s another FORGET button here. Let’s just press it and go back to the TARDIS.

DOCTOR: Listen missy, you’re not going to last 13 episodes with that attitude.

SMILERS: *approach menacingly*

LIZ 10: *shoots Smilers deadish*

DOCTOR: Hey, thanks. Are you the Queen?

LIZ 10: Why yes I am! Witness my regal dress and wavering Mockerney accent. Now let’s get back to my aristoroom and get you out of that vomit-soaked blazer, young man.

Starship UK aristoroom

AMY: Those were some of the most absorbent bath towels I have ever encountered! M&S?

LIZ 10: Never mind that. What do you think the deal is with this spaceship? It doesn’t have an engine and the streets are springing tentacle leaks every five minutes.

DOCTOR: I am preoccupied with your mask.

HENCHMEN: Your majesty, you have ordered us to arrest you.

EVERYONE: *is arrested*

Starship UK braintorture HQ

DEMON HEADMASTER: Allow me to explain! When Earth was finished, we managed to capture a Star Whale, build our ship around it and drive it forward by delivering continuous electric shocks to its brain. We keep telling people, but they keep pressing the FORGET button so they don’t feel like total asshats for the rest of their lives.

DOCTOR: You are all idiots! Also, how dare you withhold this vital information, Amy?

AMY: But –

DOCTOR: Shut it. You’re going home after this, you naughty and skimpily-dressed companion.

DADS EVERYWHERE: Never!

DOCTOR: Right, after reviewing my options, I have decided to zap the whalebrain to free it from pain. It will also be a half-dead vegetable, but them’s the breaks.

GIANT TENTACLE: *pats nearby children in a friendly manner*

AMY: Doctor, stop! *forces Liz 10 to press handy ABDICATE button*

EVERYONE: Are you mad?

AMY: I have deduced that the Star Whale actually loves human children and in fact volunteered to give them all a lift to distant planets.

DOCTOR: You fools! You have been pointlessly torturing this creature for centuries!

LIZ 10: And it turns out I’ve known about the brain torture for centuries, but I kept pressing the stupid FORGET button every time I found out the truth. Our dystopian civilisation was even more flawed than it first appeared!

DEMON HEADMASTER: Great. So everything’s fine, then.

Starship UK windscreen

STAR WARS FANS: This seems familiar.

DOCTOR: You could’ve killed a bunch of people today.

AMY: I didn’t though.

DOCTOR: Lucky you. I once killed a load of Daleks and it was a total bummer. I turned into Christopher Eccleston and moped around for a whole series.

TARDIS interior

DOCTOR: Amy, answer the phone.

AMY and UK VIEWERS: The TARDIS has a landline?

DOCTOR: Apparently.

WINSTON CHURCHILL (on phone): Dude, we’re at war!

DALEK SHADOW: *is ace*

DOCTOR: Let’s go. There’s nothing more entertaining than a horrific war that’s still within living memory!

AMY: Right, I’ll just get changed into something more –

DOCTOR: No time!

Starship UK exterior

We see the towerblocks on the back of the Star Whale, swimming through space.

DISCWORLD FANS: This seems – oh, never mind.

But look! There’s a huge crack in the side of the ship! And I’ll be jiggered if it doesn’t match the one in Amy’s bedroom wall last episode. Ominous.

CREDITS

My Verdict:
★★★
Not magical, but a fun off-planet adventure for the all-new Doc and a good glimpse of his grumpy Time Lord side.

The Boy’s Verdict:
★★★
Yer actual acting from Smith, which was ace, but the episode didn’t feel as neat as last week’s. Regardless, I’m genuinely enjoying this series, where before I’ve had to be three sheets to the wind before enjoyment of any kind set in. Plus next week, those irrepressible Daleks are sure to be restored this time. For sure.

What did you think? Let me know below!

Contains spoilers for the new series of Doctor Who

Previously on Doctor Who:
The Doctor’s old adversary The Master is magically resurrected-by-lipgloss and turns everyone into a clone of himself. Then some Time Lords come back. Then they go away again. Then the whole cloning business is somehow reversed. Look, it aired over the Christmas break, what do you want from me? It’s a wonder I could even focus on the screen through the fog of Baileys and Deflatine. PLOT POINT! The Doctor saves Wilf from a techno-chamber which then zaps him with enough radiation to turn his innards into delicious Gallifreyan strudel. Regeneration begins.

OLD DOCTOR: Curses, I’m dying! My face, it changes!

NEW DOCTOR: Hi there! I’ll be your disconcertingly-young Doctor for the next thirteen weeks. Can I get you any sauces; ketchup, mayonnaise? Oh hang on, my TARDIS appears to be exploding. Let me just attend to that.

Skies above London

The TARDIS tumbles through the air with the Doctor hanging out of it in an alarming manner.

DOCTOR: Whee! Argh! Etc!

He narrowly misses castration-by-Big Ben; that would’ve had to go out much later than 6.20.

GROOVY NEW CREDITS

Scottish kid’s bedroom

KID: Dear Santa, please make scary bedroom whispers go away, kthxbai.

TARDIS: *crashes outside*

KID: *runs outside with the same 1980s torch that my family had when I was growing up*

ME: We had that torch.

Kid’s garden, night

Kid is staring slack-jawed at the TARDIS. A grappling-hook (!) appears from within, shortly followed by crazy-haired Doctor

DOCTOR: Hi there! Any starters?

Scottish kid’s house, confusingly not in Scotland

The kid, Amelia, has been left at home alone by her aunt. I know! Worse, she invites the Doctor into her house to investigate the scary bedroom whispers and to partake in some excellent cuisine. Cue a food-tasting scene that veers dangerously close to Wacky Canyon before parking neatly in Genuinely Amusing. Thank god.

DOCTOR: So, this crack in your bedroom wall is, in fact, a rip in space and time.

AMELIA: Wow, that ... sucks.

DOCTOR: If I just crank open the space/time crack a bit further, it will almost certainly reveal a gigantic talking eyeball. *opens space/time crack*

GIANT EYEBALL: Good evening. Have you seen Prisoner Zero?

SPACE/TIME CRACK: *slams shut*

DOCTOR: There’s an inter-dimensional criminal loose aboot this hoose!

UK VIEWERS: Where the hell is this kid’s legal guardian?

AMELIA: Word.

Kid’s garden

DOCTOR: I’m just going to fix my TARDIS, then I’ll take you away from this tragic home-alone childhood. Back in five!

TARDIS: *disappears*

AMELIA: *packs suitcase and waits for the Doctor to return*

DOCTOR: *doesn’t return*

AMELIA:

Amelia’s garden, 12 years later

The TARDIS lands and the Doctor runs out and heads for the house.

DOCTOR: Amelia, don’t panic! I know where the alien criminal is! *breaks into house with sonic screwdriver*

ADULT AMELIA, NOW INEXPLICABLY CALLED AMY: *hits doctor with cricket bat*

Hospital ward

DR EXPOSITION: There’s no way these coma patients were wandering the streets and talking out loud, Nurse Rory, they’re out cold and have been for yonks.

RORY: But I filmed ‘em on my generic in-no-way-a-BlackBerry phone!

DR EXPOSITION: Lies!

COMA PATIENTS: Doctor... doctor...

DR EXPOSITION: That’s weird.

MAN IN COMA: Why not take some time to admire this photo of me with my beloved rottweiler?

Amy’s house

The Doctor awakes to find himself handcuffed to a radiator.

DOCTOR: I can’t help but notice that you are a policewoman.

UK AUDIENCE: A foxy policewoman!

AMY: I am actually a kissogram, which explains these non-regulation tights.

DOCTOR: Right. Also, where is the child Amelia?

AMY: She is me, you fool! It’s been 12 freaking years!

DOCTOR: Blimey. Have you read The Time Traveler’s Wife?

DOOR TO CREEPY ROOM: *creaks*

AMY: OMG!

DOCTOR: Don’t go in there, the scary alien criminal has almost certainly been hiding there these last 12 years.

Creepy room

Amy enters and comes face-to-face with a toothy alien eel; the fabled Prisoner Zero.

PRISONER ZERO: Blargh! *magically turns into man-in-coma-with-his-dog from hospital* Grr, woof!

DOCTOR and AMY: *run away*

Old lady’s house

Giant Eyeball is on TV. Old lady is Mrs Meldrew! Is she also Amy’s aunt? I... don’t know! Let’s say no.

MRS MELDREW: Don’t I know you?

DOCTOR: We’re British character actors; we’ve probably all been on Casualty together at some point.

JEFF: Hey, you’re the Doctor! Young Amy used to make models of you out of kitchen roll tubes, it was super-cute until we had to call a psychiatrist.

Village green

Citizens are wandering around, calmly filming the Atraxi eyeball-ship mucking about with the sun

RORY: I’m totally putting this on YouTube.

PRISONER ZERO: Growl, woof woof.

RORY: Hold still, my not-a-BlackBerry can’t focus on your scary eel-teeth.

DOCTOR: Nurse! Give me your phone and return to your place of work immediately!

RORY: Holy crap, you’re my girlfriend’s imaginary childhood friend! I shall instantly do as you say. *runs off*

AMY: Why should I trust you, Doctor?

DOCTOR: Give me 20 minutes and I’ll get you on the cover of Radio Times, baby.

PRISONER ZERO: *melts down drain*

AMY: Fair enough.

Old lady’s house

DOCTOR: Jeff, I must use your laptop to summon my Boffin Squad. Dude, you should at least switch to Private Browsing.

JEFF: *is ashamed*

PATRICK MOORE: I speak for the Boffin Squad! Doctor, we shall get all of our mates to text 0000 to the eyeball-ship.

DOCTOR: Rock on.

Hospital

Amy and Rory run straight into Prisoner Zero, this time disguised as a different coma patient. It’s Sophie out of Peep Show! She’s with two small children. Prisoner Zero takes his form from the patients’ memories, y’see?

PRISONER ZERO: Fear me puny humans!

AMY and RORY: *run away*

Amy’s phone rings. It’s the Doctor!

AMY: Help us!

DOCTOR (on phone): I have stolen a fire engine!

UK AUDIENCE: Mobile phone whilst driving? Tennant would never have flouted road safety laws in this way.

Coma patient ward

PRISONER ZERO: I’m gonna kill you for no obvious reason!

AMY and RORY: Damn!

FIRE ENGINE LADDER: *smashes through window*

DOCTOR: Hi there!

PRISONER ZERO: Arse. Also, the Universe is cracked and silence will fall. Whatever that means.

Much body-switching occurs until the Doctor tricks Prisoner Zero into taking its own form from the now-unconscious Amy’s memory. The Atraxi eyeball-ship instantly recognises its escaped prisoner and recaptures him.

EVERYONE: Hooray!

Hospital locker room

DOCTOR: Guys, I totally need some new duds before I discuss intergalactic politics with the Giant Eyeball.

RORY: ...

AMY: Rowr!

Hospital roof

GIANT EYEBALL: So, thanks for all the help with recapturing Prisoner Zero. Um, I don’t want to be rude, but is there any good reason not to blow this crappy planet to smithereens?

DOCTOR: Try it, Eyeball, and I’ll kill you dead.

GIANT EYEBALL: Ooo-kay. Bye then! *flies off*

Amy’s garden

The Doctor runs back into the awesome new TARDIS and disappears.

AMY: Whatever.

Amy’s bedroom, night, two years later

Amy awakes and looks out of her window to see that the TARDIS is back.

AMY: It’s been two years, WTF?

DOCTOR: Yikes, sorry. Again. So do you want to be my new companion or what?

AMY: Hell yes! Only, can we be back for tomorrow morning?

DOCTOR: It’s a time machine, moron, we can be back before last Thursday if you want.

AMY: Ace.

The TARDIS takes off.

AMY and DOCTOR: Whee!

Amy’s bedroom

CRAFTED TOY DOCTORS: *are cute*

WEDDING DRESS: *is forlorn*

CREDITS


My Verdict:
★★★★★
Okay, that was pant-wettingly ace. I can’t wait for next week!

The Boy’s Verdict:
★★★★
Who‽ More like ‘What‽’, as in ‘What a surprisingly good show’, amirite? Smith, however, has found a rich seam of gurning, untapped even by Eccleston.

What did you think? Splurge your geekily-detailed analysis in the comments below. I won’t tell anyone!